Life is a Whiteboard

This blog has been so many things to me over the last 15 months. With the 2011 NYC Marathon coming up it's time to move on though. I did run NYC. In my mind, I ran the hell out of it. But I've moved onto other things and so my blog needs to, too.

Come on over to lifeisawhiteboard.com to continue this journey with me. I don't know where I'll be going with it but that's half the fun, I'm learning.

Back in action

Today was a really, really great day.



The Tuff Scramblers was SO much fun. It was the perfect event to do as my comeback race. It was so low key, I was with my dear friend, and I had nothing to prove other than to finish and have a good time. Mission accomplished.

The first mile was all trail -- REAL trail, not like the Airline Trail which is kind of like a dirt road. It's so different, we felt it in our calves immediately. Lots of tree roots, going over or under fallen trees, slogging through streams -- it was a true trail.

After the first mile we started getting to some obstacles. There were a lot of giant mud mountains that we had to climb. We had both watched the video and seen the people running down it and decided there was no way we were risking taking out our ankles so we butt slid. Very effective and quite fun!



And here's our butt print in another dirt mountain.



There were a few giant hills made out of boulders. My friend really got me through those because, while I had been feeling okay with my abdomen about the obstacles I was doing I was scared to death of slipping on a muddy rock and ripping something. She loves to hike -- the real deal hiking -- so she got me through some of the scarier parts where I really didn't know which rock was safest and if I could even reach it. Here's one of the boulder mountains.



And putting on a brave face that I wasn't scared out of my mind of falling.



Every time we thought we were done because we could see the finish line we would end up taking a turn and going back into the woods for for trail. It happened at least 3 times. Near the end they had made giant pyramids of wrapped hay bales. I skipped that one. If I wasn't afraid of popping whatever stitches I have left I could have done it. They were about chest height so I just would have had to use my upper body to get a boost and pull my legs up. Even just engaging that motion made me feel my core and that was just too scary. Especially if I had gotten to the second or third tier of the hay bales and been about 25 feet high and then couldn't get down. I was okay with that. Tough Mudder is still 6 weeks away and I won't have that fear then.

My friend was having a really good time but she said that she thought we'd be covered in mud and soaking wet. Well, she kind of got her wish. The last obstacle was a swimout and we both got wet, for sure.



It was so much fun and the perfect way to get ready for the Mudder. The post-race food was the best I've ever had -- pulled pork sandwiches, pizza, and beer! It beats a bagel and an orange for sure. I hope they have the race again next year. It wasn't really well attended but it wasn't really advertised either. I'd definitely do it again next year. Tough Mudder and Spartan is a circus -- a jacked-up, fun circus -- but a circus all the same. It's all Xfit and military, it's the fittest of the fittest. It's a different vibe. This was just fun. And that's what I needed.

The Mudder is going to be a lot of fun this year. My friend and I are going to go at the pace we did the Tuff Scrambler and have a good time with it. We'll stop for pictures, walk when we need to, and have the best time we can with it. I'm really looking forward to it now!

The 9 miles tomorrow though... That's another story.

Testing boundaries

We went to xfit tonight. I checked the WOD last night online and it seemed like something I could do: 3 rounds of 10 deadlifts, 20 pull ups, and 400 meter run. I knew I could scale the deadlift weight back to something that wouldn't hurt, I knew I could go back to using the green and blue band for the pullups so I wouldn't stretch anything that shouldn't be stretched, and I knew I could do the 3 runs. Having my husband go to xfit with me has become the greatest thing for me. I know I always have someone who is going to encourage me, motivate me, and celebrate my successes. Going back after surgery has added another level of security: I know he's watching out for me to make sure I don't hurt myself.

When we set up our barbells I felt like a wimp. The women's RX weight was 185, which is really high for 30 DLs but I had my bar set at 65 lbs. I just didn't want to risk pulling anything. It was all guys in the class and they had their bars set anywhere from 150 lbs to 275! There was no way I was competing with that and it's not like anyone expected me to.

The WOD was great. I ripped through the first 2 sets of pullups I'm not used to having that extra band. The deadlifts didn't hurt. The runs were a good cardio blast. I felt like 6 weeks and 1 day out from surgery I was on my way to rebuilding my xfit base.

Afterwards we went grocery shopping and my abdomen felt kind of tender. When I got home I looked and it's definitely swollen. I don't think it's anything serious, I never felt any pain during the WOD like I had hurt myself. I think it's just swelling from pushing a little harder than maybe I should have. I hope it's back to normal tomorrow morning. It's a reminder that my body has been through a huge ordeal and as much as *I* want to be done with this I have to still respect the healing process.

I'm glad tomorrow is a rest day from working out. I have big things this weekend. If I have to go slow, I go slow. Finishing slow is better than not finishing at all. "Listen to your body" is always a tenet of fitness. I really need to heed that advice.

TNRC

Our Tuesday Night Running Club is gaining momentum! We had a great time last night and got to celebrate our newest member's engagement in the process (congrats, Deb!!). It was the weirdest weather, it was cold and humid at the same time. I was slimy and had goosebumps at the same time. So gross. I felt like I was struggling a lot in the first mile but it ended up being a great run, my strongest yet. We did 4.77 miles and if we hadn't stopped at the end to talk for a few minutes with some people from Xfit who were running in the opposite direction our overall pace would have been in the mid-11s. All our miles were at a nice pace, certainly my best since surgery.



This was doing a 5 min running/2 min walking intervals the whole time. That's really not bad at all. We're going to keep working upward, next week we'll do 6/2, etc. Since we all have to build endurance for the Mudder in a relatively short time I proposed this method because it's worked for me before. The pace will come down eventually, it always does.

When we were getting ready to leave everyone had their headphones, probably out of habit. One of the women said "you're bringing headphones? I thought we'd be chatting." Of course we would be. I think it's new for all of us to not make running a solitary thing. Since there were 4 of us there was always someone to talk to and at the end when Deb and I moved ahead a little from the rest of our group (I was feeling strong and happy to take advantage of it!) I got to chat more with her.

I think this is going to be a regular thing. We're all seeing the benefits of running with other people. If the weather is shitty (and it has been the last 2 weeks) we all keep going instead of turning around. If we're tired there is someone to boost you up and tell you to keep going.

Today I did 3 because I go back to work tomorrow and I'm fairly certain I won't be getting up early (as if) nor will I want to do it when I get home. That works out well because that gives me Thursday and Friday to get ready for the weekend: the Tuff Scrambler on Saturday and then my long run on Sunday. I *might* do Xfit on Friday night but I'll modify it again until I'm fully comfortable. Now that I know the dissolvable stitches really are dissolving at this timepoint (6-8 weeks) I'm still afraid to do some of the aggressive movements. I miss those aggressive movements, like toes to bar or nice, heavy kettlebell swings but until I am sure I'm not going to rip something inside there's no need to push it. Running is the focus until January anyway.

That said, I'm not looking forward to Sunday. I didn't get a taper week because I was making up for lost time but it is what it is. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to keep happening. I'm realizing that if I was able to bounce back from surgery and 4 weeks off from everything and am making progress my heart and spirit will carry me through the runs that my legs don't want to. At least I hope...

A plunge into normal

I went for a follow up appointment today. My surgeon is so sweet, I really like her. She's happy with the healing and said I have "good contours" 6 weeks out. I guess that's good. Maybe I'll have better ones to come. Haha! We talked again about my hips and while the swelling has started to come down I have 2 pointy scars where the skin where the 2 incisions came together on each hip. I can live with scarring but they are right above my hip line where my workout clothes would be and they poke out. I hadn't decided if I should be distraught over it because I just decided last week to see what happens before getting any more depressed.

Turns out, I don't even need to sweat this one. My surgeon said they should flatten out but if they don't by 6 months she can fix them with local anesthetic and a small incision in the office. She said it's a tradeoff with the surgery, either she extends the incision further back on the hip or does it this way and usually they go away. I was so relieved that it's a little fix and something she said she would be happy to do for me. If that issue goes away I will be in such a better place with all of this because I'm starting to like the results now that the swelling is starting to go down and I am returning to workouts. I can't this enough: this procedure was a total mindf*ck and continues to be. It's not like on tv, that's for sure.

I think we're just days away from my new blog! I saw the revised header today and I'm loving it! It will be a good time to start something new, even if I end up talking about the same crap anyway.

The "Tuesday Night Running Club" as it's now been called is supposed to go again tomorrow. I would happily trade seconds on pace for laughs. I can see why people train together now. I have a shitload of it ahead of me so getting to break it up with companions is going to be a really nice change for me.

This Saturday my friend and I are doing this:



What the hell was I thinking? This is my first event back? HAHAHA! No better way to get into the swing of things for the Mudder than to jump right in. This will make my long run on Sunday extra enjoyable! :) This is the life I wanted, can't complain now!

The long haul

That's what today was. It felt like I was breathing in soup, wearing soup, and running through soup. For someone who's been back at running a whole 2 weeks now it was quite a challenge. But...it got done.



7 miles. Not fast, not pretty, but 7 miles. We started out with 3 of us but one of the woman had to be back for her kids so she did 4 with us. We all immediately felt the drain of the air quality. It's not just the lungs, it gets into your muscles -- everything! If I wasn't with my friend it would have been a much rougher time but, as always, she keeps me going and motivates me to be stronger. I used to think I could only run listening to music but now that I'm running with my friend more and more I don't want to listen to music. I love our chats as we're slogging through the mucky air. I'm going to miss her next week when I do 9 alone on Sunday. :(

I finally wrote out my training schedule for Goofy. I had to do it 3 times because, apparently, it's harder to count out 18 weeks than you'd think. I knew I missed the first week but now I think I have it all squared away. You know what? I'm hating it. I know all too well this feeling of unrelenting pressure for EIGHTEEN WEEKS of living under a strict schedule. Every long run is critical because it's a set up for the one the following week. And the week after.

I read through some blog entries from last year to see where the stress of the training schedule started to get to me. It was week 6. As soon as the long runs all got over 10 miles and the mid-length run started to creep up I felt like I was under incredible pressure that wouldn't end for another 3 months. That's a LONG time. Last year I wasn't coming off of major (yes, I'm going to keep saying it now that I have lived through it) surgery and 4 weeks off. I was strong when I started and I was well ahead of the long runs for the first month. The schedule had to catch up to me, not the other way around. This time is different. I'm starting weakened, both in body and spirit. I also don't have the flexibility of swapping out long runs on Saturday or Sunday from this point forward. The key to Goofy training (so I'm told) is to do your Saturday run half the distance of the long run on Sunday. That prepares you for the half followed by the full. I used to like to get my long runs over with on Saturday but I don't have that luxury this time.

And then there's scheduling in general. I live in fear of stuff coming up on the weekends that is going to screw with my schedule. This was the end of week 3 (my week 2) -- that's 15 more weeks of hoping that nothing comes up that gets in the way of training. Almost impossible. Whenever a work project comes up that involves travel I freak out, not because I have to work but because I don't know how I'll get my runs in.

All of this is incredibly daunting and I'll be on the edge by week 9 for sure. But I signed up for it again. I guess my memory was short of how tedious training got by the end last time. Then again, people run marathons all the time, multiple ones in a year. People miss long runs because life is unpredictable. I remember feeling completely overwhelmed last year at one point and thinking that there was no way that all 42,000 people doing NYC had followed a training program to the letter the entire time. It's impossible.

Today's run was good. It showed me I still have discipline. I still have the strength to pull off a decent length run in less than ideal conditions. I can still run when I'm sore and tired (Xfit last night and female issues). I can still focus on a goal that's months away and work for it. I'll need to call on that strength many, many more times in the next 15 weeks. This time is different though: I trust that I can do it and I have friends to help me get there.

Now that I'm feeling stronger and *almost* recovered, I have to make a few changes to training.

1) Hill work once a week. Disney is flat but hill work has never done me wrong for getting stronger and faster
2) Stick with the 2nd longest run on Saturday and the long run on Sunday, no matter how much I hate it
3) Figure out what the magic formula for Xfit vs running is (easier said than done)

I can't say I'm really looking forward to the next 15 weeks knowing how soul-sucking some of those long runs are going to be but I am looking forward to crossing off another goal off my list and becoming a Goofy Challenge finisher.

Remembering why I did this

I'm 5 weeks and 2 days out from surgery. I have a follow up appointment on Monday which is right around the 6 week mark where I think you magically get cleared for everything. Not that I think even at 6 weeks I should be swinging kettlebells and doing power snatches but -- back to the ongoing debate, my "normal" vs the surgeon's "normal." I've figured that all out for myself and I know the 6 weeks is an arbitrary thing. Nothing magic is going to happen on that day.

Tonight my husband was going to Xfit and he thought I should come, even if to just warm up with the group and see everyone. I had the excuse that the housecleaners were coming and they wouldn't be gone by the time we would have to go. Either my house is really filthy or they just came from a really big job because there were 5 of them this week. They were done with the whole house in under an hour. Which meant I could go.

It was total role reversal for me to be so nervous getting ready for Xfit while my husband calmly sat on the bed. He has adapted so well to Xfit and I'm so proud of him. I know he wouldn't be there if it weren't for me so if he believed I could (and should) at least go stretch or do something at the box while the WOD was going on I trusted him.

I've been to the box once before, for the 31 Heroes WOD. I was still hunched over and had a drain in. Today I was in workout clothes. When the owner saw me she was so happy and asked if I was there to WOD. I told her I'd do what I could and she said that was absolutely fine. I saw some other friends and they told me how great I looked and how happy they were I was back. If that doesn't give you motivation I don't know what does.

The warmup was a mile run. B and I headed out and I told him I might need to take walk breaks. I felt bad for slowing him up but he stayed with me the entire time. I didn't walk once. My first full mile since surgery.

The WOD was descending sets of 10-8-6-4-2 power cleans, 20-16-12-8-4 pistols, and 30-30-30-30-30 double unders. I tried a few jump ropes and I didn't feel really comfortable with it so I asked Elayne what I could sub out. We decided 200 meter runs for each round. I did the power cleans (my favorite weightlifting move) with just the 15 lb bar. When you do it right it's such a violent movement that I didn't want to risk hurting myself. The pistols are such a hard move anyway and not feeling very stable on the way down made me worry about falling so Elayne subbed out air squats for me.

Even with the modifications it was a SOLID workout for me, 5.5 weeks since the last time I went to Xfit. I felt good on the runs, I wanted to go heavy on the power cleans and, well, the pistols are what they are. I wouldn't be good at them even if I weren't recovering from surgery.

B was really proud of me but I was proud of myself. Really. It was scary to go back no matter how much I love Xfit. Training harder was one of the reasons I said I was doing this and I feel I need to make good on that promise to myself. It will take time before I feel safe and comfortable going all out but I feel like I have the confidence to do it. I usually layer a long tank under a t-shirt to try to cover my stomach and I just wore a t-shirt tonight. That was a new kind of freedom for me. Workout clothes hide nothing anyway but to not have to *try* to hide something was pretty great.

Tomorrow we're running 7. I am a little worried that I'll be tapped out from tonight but I've performed under worse conditions. I'm not at the point where I'm even thinking about pace anyway, I'm just happy to be working on endurance and getting those miles in so I can cross that Disney finish line TWICE.

The whole package

Games were on again tonight. ESPN2 broadcasting the replays is like watching the Super Bowl for us. I went over a friend's from Xfit and she cooked a nice dinner for everyone. It was great to see everyone but listening to everyone talk about the competitions they're entering or the WOD they just did was hard. I feel like I've missed so much already.

If watching the Games will do nothing it will make you believe anything is possible. These are top-notch, world-class athletes but when you get to learn a little about who they are not all of them have been hardcore athletes all their lives. Some come from a tri background, or power lifting, or gymnastics -- but no one person can come from all those backgrounds. That's Xfit: adapting, capitalizing on your strengths, working on your weaknesses. Now that I'm paying close attention to the Xfit "names" it's interesting how no one person dominates every event, every time. Tonight I saw last year's women's champion struggle on the monkey bars and a woman who I hadn't noticed during last week's broadcast own those same bars. Even the best of the best have their weaknesses but they keep trying and keep working to be the whole package.

So I can get bummed about missing some time and feeling a little lost but I'm not going to. Every day something great can happen and my days are coming. I have a list of things I want to work on over this next year. If I hadn't been a witness to my own life and what I have achieved in the last year I'd think my goals are crazy. I know they aren't though. It's just a matter of time.

"...Oh, I wish..."

More positivity today. I know, scary! It's not that yesterday *wasn't* positive, I just didn't have anything to say. Today, however, was an exceptionally positive day so here I am.

I have been in love with the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile since I was a kid. I'd never actually seen it before though. Everyone I know has but not me. Last week I finally spotted it heading South on the highway while I was going North. It was the briefest of glimpses but it made me so happy.

On Sunday when I was coming home I spotted it again! Twice in one week! Being that we can't enjoy anything as a society anymore unless it has a FB page or it's on Twitter, I looked it up and started following their tweets. This morning they tweeted they would be at a grocery store and I had to go sort of that direction anyway so I decided to go get my picture with the weinermobile! And I did!



Let me tell you, I was way happier about it than the kids in line in front of me. Children appreciate nothing. Hmph. I told the Hotdogger I had waited almost 40 years to see the Weinermobile and how happy I was. A guy behind me overheard me and didn't believe I was almost 40 and kept asking strangers "Does she look 40 to you?" Kind of embarrassing. Kind of flattering. I didn't care, I was at the Weinermobile!

They gave me a sticker, 2 postcards, the sheet music of the songs, and a Weinermobile Whistle! How cool is that?



It's a really competitive internship to become a Hotdogger. I actually looked it up years ago when I wanted to change careers. It's for college seniors and they have to put together their own business and PR plan for their Weinermobile. The kid was happy when I said I came because I saw the tweet.

Tonight I went running with my friend who did the 6 miles with me and her SIL (who also goes to Xfit). We were slow but we got our 4 miles in. It was windy and humid by the shore but we got through it. The bugs were out of control. It was kind of like this, minus the dinosaur.



We talked a lot about Xfit since it was the 3 of us and I have to say I'm scared shitless to go back. It's not even the "Ugh, I'm going to be so sore the first 2 weeks" fear. I can deal with that. Just the thought of doing a burpee makes me want to take a pain pill. A power clean would rip me in half. The other day I put my pullup bar back in the doorframe and just reaching up to it and *beginning* to transfer weight to my hands started to stretch my abdomen way too much for my comfort. There is really nothing we do in Xfit that doesn't work the hell out of your core. That's good -- because when I can get back to it and I actually have an abdomen now instead of a blob of skin I may actually see some benefits. But, wow, I'm really scared. I'll just do what I can and go at it at the pace I feel comfortable with. I won't be putting my name on the whiteboard for awhile but I'm okay with that. If this hellish process has taught me nothing it's that things take time.

And on the 7th day...

Today's positive thing is this:



It's not that I did anything exceptional today. It's not that I woke up and my swelling was gone and I looked fantastic. It's that I came home after a week of housesitting, got in my bed with my dogs, put on the tv, and rested. I'm not looking at that as being lazy, I'm looking at it as knowing what I need and doing it without feeling bad.

I have fitness plans for the week to keep building back my strength and stamina little by little but in order to make that happen rest is important too. It's mandatory. It's necessary anyway in a training program, it's essential recovering from surgery. I accept that, I embrace that, and I look at it as a step in getting stronger, not a setback.

Look at me, thinking all rationally and stuff. Where was this chick last week when I needed her?

On the move

What am I feeling positive about today?



That, baby. With good reason.

I was really nervous to get back out there. After nursing myself on the treadmill this week I was afraid to leave the safety of the basement and experience the road and hills again. I never used to give much thought to "what the hell happens if I get far away from home and can't make it back?" but that thought crossed my mind a lot once these plans for today were made. I honestly don't think I would have gone if my friend wasn't doing it with me. I got to our starting point first and I sat on a park bench questioning everything -- was I ready? Would I even be able to walk it? What happened if I didn't do it? What did that mean for the Tough Mudder and Goofy? When my friend got there I joked that I was already done so I was just going to go eat a bagel across the street. She said that was fine, she was going home. And with that, we knew it was now or never.

We got going and we picked a good strategy for intervals. We stayed with it the entire time, all 6 miles. I think that was a pleasant surprise for both of us. This was my friend's longest run so far and this was my re-entry into a training schedule. While both of us would have walked the entire thing for each other and never given it a second thought we seemed to have an unspoken agreement that we weren't going to let that happen today. We had a lot on the line and I think we fed off of each other's nervousness and determination to make it a resounding success.

We did this course back in June at the Branford Road Race. I remember a part of the race where my friend was not having a good time and we were making deals to get from one telephone pole to the next. Today we ran the entire length of that hill. The smile that broke out on her face when we crested the hill was one of the best things I've ever experienced on a run. Even better, when we were running up another hill her sister drove by and beeped. It was an incredible comeback for both of us -- her to a course that gave her a rough time just a few months ago, me to running after (as I'm now realizing) major surgery.

And with that, I'm on track for my training program for January. Even though today wasn't my fastest or strongest it was still well under the sweep time for Disney and that's okay with me. I hope (and expect) to get stronger and faster in the next 16 weeks and run 2 decent races at Disney but I also don't want to be hobbling around the parks for the rest of the week and ruin my vacation. Disney is such a low-key race. Sure, plenty of people run it for a Boston Qualifier because it's fast and flat but there's far more people who run it to be able to stop for a photo op with Jack Sparrow or Chip and Dale. The people I saw finishing around the 6 hour mark seemed just as happy as the ones who shot by at the 2. I think it's going to be just fine.

So I'm feeling good. For real.

Also, I think the hot tub sessions are really helping with the muscle discomfort. Every day is a new adventure in the mirror but today I noticed my scar line is higher. While that isn't something I'm thrilled about it means that I am standing up straighter and it's probably finally moving to where it will end up. She did tell me hip to hip and for the last 4 weeks it was surprisingly low but that's because I was hunched over and it had nowhere to go. I have a feeling things will be on the move every day now that I'm making a reasonable return to physical activity. This should be interesting if nothing else.

Jelly Belly Litmus Test

My positive thing for today is that yesterday afternoon my surgeon's office called back after 3 days to tell me I was cleared for going in the hot tub. It's okay, they called back within 10 minutes the time I busted my stitches -- I understand hot tub plans are low on the priority callback schedule. And, after 3 times going in, I can feel the tension in my upper back loosening and maybe -- maybe -- my abdomen muscles are loosening up a little. I seem to be able to stand up a little straighter without the binder on which had been a serious concern for me beyond how I looked. I've been hunched over for over 4 weeks now. It's gotten better but when I take the binder off to shower I truly feel like I can't stand straight up because my middle is pulled so tightly down. After a couple of soaks in the hot tub I feel like that is getting slightly better.

Tonight when I was in the hot tub I felt the familiar feeling of jiggling across my stomach. I didn't think about it at first and then I thought "Really? My stomach is so goddamned tight I can't stand up straight but it still jiggles in a hot tub?" But it wasn't. A huge air bubble had ballooned up the compression shorts I was wearing and it was the fabric rippling against me. I felt my stomach and it was tight as a drum, even with the water jets doing their best. That's new and cool.

Going for a long run tomorrow with my friend. Oh, she is so patient to do this with me. I'm so grateful. I think I'd be afraid to go out there alone and I know I have to get back out there to get this Goofy training off the ground. Let's hope there's a Day 3 after this outing and not a permanent haitus from blogging!

4 Weeks of Positive Thinking

Since the last 4 weeks have been nothing but whining: whining about how much pain I was in, whining about how sucky living without power and water for a week was after the hurricane (while being in pain), and whining about how I look, I decided that -- for my own sanity -- that any blog post in the next 4 weeks will have at least something positive in it. If this is my last entry for a month then it wasn't a very successful experiment but I believe, like training the body, I can train my mind to get past all this bullshit. Because, really, the 3 outcomes of my unhappiness are this:

1. It resolves itself on its own
2. I learn to live with it
3. I decide to have it fixed

Put like that it seems pretty simple. It will fall into one of the 3 categories and I'll know which one it is when I know. End of story.

Today's positive thing: I did the treadmill today for 50 minutes, 3.64 miles. I've added 5 minutes and almost half a mile from my first outing on Monday. It's small progress but it's progress. I haven't thrown in the towel. It's not comfortable, I'm still very tender and tight through my whole abdomen but I'm trying to work it out.

I'm also trying to look at myself through the "clothing lens" to see if things are as bad as I think they are. I'm not going to post a picture of myself for the next 4 weeks. Any readers I have left will be thinking, "Please. I liked you better when you hated yourself and I didn't have to look at you every day." But today is Day 1 of this effort and I wore workout clothes. My positive thing I will say is that running shorts look totally flat the way they're supposed to now.



Tomorrow is another day.

You can't always get what you want

I'm going to be insightful and start out by saying that when I don't sleep the whole day is shit. I was up every half hour last night. For some reason the house was baking hot and once I was up and sweaty there was no restful sleep to be had. When I woke up I was already in a rotten mood and my first thought was "Today is 4 weeks."

I don't know what I expected. Probably nothing. I was looking for a reason to be depressed and miserable. I looked at myself in the mirror, saw the same swelling I've seen for the last 4 weeks, and let my mood go completely black. I did something I've only done one other time in 5 years: I called my husband at work. I haven't seen him since Monday but it feels like it's been forever. As soon as I heard his voice I started crying. I told him how unhappy I was and how I hated what I looked like. I told him how sorry I was for putting us through this and how ashamed and embarrassed I am about all of this. God bless him for saying all the right things. He told me it's only 4 weeks and it will take a long time for everything to adjust itself. He told me once I go back to Xfit that will make a huge difference too. He told me not to worry and we'll deal with this no matter what. My biggest fear is that I'll wait the year, I'll never be happy with the results, and I either spend another fortune on more surgery (risking more disappointing results and putting myself through the trauma of another procedure) or live the rest of my life with regret. My husband is very calming and while I did feel better after talking to him I was still just so upset and depressed.

I don't know if I believe in karma because there seem to be a lot of shitty people living great lives but I do think that sometimes you get what you need. I had already planned to have lunch with my friend who has been my sounding board through this whole process. I didn't want it to be another conversation about this but I ended up telling her about how I felt. She's so rational and objective. We talked about how 4 weeks off from working out, which has been my salvation for the last 2 years, is effecting my emotions. We talked about that definition of "normal" that has been a barrier for me: my "normal" vs the normal "normal." And, like Bill, she reminded me that it's only 4 weeks. One week (which I've blocked out since it was so awful) was hurricane survival week that caused me so much stress and I know set my healing back a week.

Rationally, I know these things but thank goodness I have people I love and trust to remind me. The other thing I love about my friend is that she would tell me things straight up. I am wearing jeans today. They're super low cut so they fit because they don't have to go over my waist. But they're jeans. And that's kind of normal. So, being the good, straight-shooter friend she is, she looked at me and said that I told her I wanted to look good in jeans and, from her perspective, I looked great. She said looking at me she'd get it done tomorrow. She asked (in that sensitive good friend way) if my disappointment was that my expectation really was more than I had initially said. I think that's probably a lot of it. Yes, I truly wanted to look good in clothes and not feel like I always had a gut hanging out. But when you go through this you can't help but think you might end up with even more.

It was a good conversation and one I needed to hear. I'm starting up with workouts again, I've done the treadmill twice this week, I'll do it tomorrow, and then my friend and I are going to do a long run on Saturday (with walk breaks -- I need them, she doesn't!). She thinks once I'm out there I'll feel so much better and I agree. Once I'm back in motion and working toward something I think a lot of the anxiety and focus on my stupid hips will go away. I'll be more concerned with mileage, pace, WODs, and all the stuff that has made me who I am today, regardless of the surgery.

After our lunch I went to Kohl's. My surgeon had told me last week that I could switch to Spanx, I haven't been to the store and I was still afraid to get rid of the binder, no matter how much I hated it. I found these:



So I bought 2. I got home, took off this wretched thing:



And I instantly felt better. Again, kind of normal.

Then I looked in the mirror, clothes on, and tried to see what my friend says she can see. I realized, swelling and all, I'm not hideous. My first "after" pictures.





A return back to running, a few weeks back at Xfit, an "event" even if it's just a 5K to feel like I'm part of something again, some more weeks of healing (and hopefully less swelling) and I might not feel the regret I do now.

I know the internet is such a reliable source of information but I read this and it made me feel a little better. Seems like 3-6 months is normal, a year is not unheard of. I am not alone in this.

So you can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.

Are you kidding me?

It's not funny anymore.

I'm staying at my aunt's house for the week while they're away. This is where I came to convalesce when we had no power after the hurricane. It's on the water. It's beautiful. I love staying here.

When I went into the basement today to do the treadmill I noticed this in the corner. It's always been there but now that I Xfit, I know what it is.



A GHD machine. Glute Ham Developer. I'd never tried one until I went to Xfit and I never found out how awesome it is for glutes and hamstrings but I do know that doing GHD situps will give you some seriously cut abs. I could have been hanging out all day on this thing. But I can't.

I'm in Branford. Minutes away from Shoreline CrossFit, one of the best boxes in the state. I could be hanging there all day. But I can't.

I can't even go into the hot tub or the pool because even though my incision is almost 100% filled with my luck I'd get a goddamned staph infection.

I'm still missing out on so much. And I'm still not happy with how I look. I'm still swollen. I still can't wear regular clothes. I weigh myself and I'm not gaining weight so I know it has to be swelling but WTF? It will be 4 weeks tomorrow.

I'm so over this. I'm fully admitting it, if I had to do it all over again I wouldn't. I'd save myself a shitload of money and just deal with my body the way it is. I'd have done the 20K on Labor Day. I'd be in good shape for the Hartford Half. I'd be 2 strong weeks into my Goofy Challenge program. I wouldn't be wearing a tight, uncomfortable binder that I want to set fire to but I'm even more uncomfortable when I'm not in it because I feel like it's holding me together. I know it's not, I know the tightness in my abs is staying but I am literally not comfortable in my own skin. I always said that I wasn't comfortable in my skin before because I wasn't able to see myself as fit and not fat but this is the real deal.

I was talking with someone today and they said that when their sister had a nose job it took a full year for the swelling to go down. That's a nose. This is my whole goddamned abdomen where 3 lbs of skin were removed. I am depressed. I am angry. I am feeling such regret.

I know (hope?) this will pass. I hope this is just a bad day where nothing has gone right and I am out of sorts.

I did try to get some of my life back. I did the treadmill today. I skipped the 1-minute jogging intervals and did 2 and 2, then 3 and 2, and then because I hate when things don't work out numerically, I did the last interval for 5 minutes but slower than I had done the others. I did a little better than yesterday, 3.25 miles in 45 minutes. Fantastic. That's another 10 feet of the Mudder I'll kill myself on.

On the bright side, unless everyone is a liar (and they may well be, who wants to admit they made a mistake?) the people who I know who have had tummy tucks all love theirs and have no regrets. Maybe they were faster healers. Maybe they weren't pissed about missing the Labor Day race. They all love the way they look. Maybe I'll get there too.

And that's my whine of the night. Probably more to come tomorrow.

Don't call it a comeback

Today I felt good. I felt strong and I felt ready to start rustling up some endorphins. Although I hate the dreadmill more than anything I figured it was smarter to give my first post-surgical go at exercise near a phone with a fixed location should 9-1-1 be required. My original plan was to walk. But I opened the box of new running sneakers bought just before surgery to check them out. The final verdict isn't in but the Adidas Supernova Adapt seems to be a reasonable facsimile to the Supernova Classic that I've mourned for a year now. I got so excited about my new kicks that after walking on the treadmill for 5 minutes I did a little gut check (like that? gut check?) and decided I could *try* doing 1 minutes of jogging (I can't, in good faith, call it running) to every 2 minutes of walking. I started out like that once before, why not again?

I did my first mile like that and while I felt myself running sort of doubled over to protect my stomach (same exact thing after the gallbladder) and while I felt like I was jiggling myself in ways my body hasn't felt in a few weeks, I didn't feel acute pain or like something was going to break. Plus I had the binder on (which needs a date with some febreze, BTW) so I felt a little confident going into my second mile to even the intervals to 2 minutes jogging and 2 minutes walking.

Surprisingly, I wasn't winded. It wasn't that that made me look forward to the end of each interval, it was the tenderness and a little fear of what my abdomen muscles were feeling. My legs felt strong. I felt strong.

I did my third mile with 3 minutes jogging (although I had moved up to 5 mph by that point -- I know, not exactly breaking the sound barrier but it was a good first effort) to every 2 minutes of walking. I felt like I could have gone longer and I really, really wanted to but I figured 45 minutes the first time out was a good stopping point. And here you are:



3.17 miles. Not bad coming off major surgery and 4 weeks to the day since my last workout. I am trying not to let the knowledge that those 3.17 miles on a treadmill is equivalent to about a half mile of the Tough Mudder course ruin my day but, again, we all have to start somewhere. A few more sessions like that, a little more confidence gained, and I'll be back on the trail and the road where I love it best.

I feel strong and happy today. About damned time.

Daisy's Day Out

Today was pretty great. Despite the somber nature of the date and the eerie perfect sunny cool weather so reminiscent of September 11, 2001, it was a really great day.

One thing about having to take time off from Xfit is that it's given my husband a chance to do some partner WODs with my friend. We decided to go this morning, they would do the partner WOD and I would go with her husband and son for a walk along the shore. They had a great WOD, my husband seems to be enjoying Xfit more and more which I LOVE. I had a good walk, albeit a little stressful because I had Daisy and she can pull like no one's business. I was trying to keep her from flipping over the jogger stroller so I got a little cardio and upper body work in today I guess.

After we went to the Paperback for breakfast and eventually everyone else from Xfit showed up there and we all sat outside eating breakfast and enjoying the day.

I think continuing to hang around at Xfit has been great for me. I'm inspired and motivated when I see the WODs and I know that I'll be back there soon enough. It's also given my husband a chance to make this his own thing and I'm so happy about that. He joined for me but I think he's seeing that he's good at it and that he's becoming stronger.

Of all of us, I think Daisy had the best day though. She got to go to see the box, meet some new people, got a walk in a new area, and had a some pancakes, sausage, and bacon. When we got back she slept for hours. :)

Wrong again

But finally in a good way.

Ohhh, was I dreading the drain pull. I'm not kidding when I say I brought my last pain pill and a bandana to chew on in anticipation of it.



The surgeon was happy with the healing so she snapped on the gloves to yank it. I took out my bandana and she asked what it was for. I told her that the last time I was there I heard someone screaming down the hall. She kind of laughed and said that the transplant unit is down the hall also and she wasn't sure what happens in those offices. She got me ready and it was over in 2 seconds. NO pain. Like, none. It felt like something slithery coming out of me but no pain. It didn't get caught on a nice chunk of skin that had healed. OMG. What a relief.

We talked about a few things. It's funny, of course I trusted her when I chose to have her do my surgery. And I've talked about why I stayed off the cosmetic surgery boards because there's only so much non-medical opinions that you can take. I'm not going to go in and micro manage my surgeon. She is where she is because she must know what she's doing. That said, I've been upset about my hip swelling from the beginning. I've talked about it here and when I look in the mirror and I can really see my tight little abdomen starting to emerge I see the bulges in my hips and I get depressed. I mentioned it again today and 2 minutes of her talking to me made all the difference in the world.

She said the swelling happens because that's where the blood supply comes from (hence the spot for the drains), meaning the area is highly susceptible to swelling and inflammation. She said she used to do lipo on the hips at the same time as the abdominoplasty but found that it was to aggressive. She said 90% of her patients look like that after surgery and it resolves itself almost all the time. IF in a year (which tells you just how long it takes for the body to snap back from this) I'm still unhappy she'd do a little lipo but to not even worry about it now.

Of course she knows what she's doing. Of course she has a rationale. I was so glad she mentioned the lipo because when I look at myself I think "Why didn't she just suck the fat out there too?" But she had a reason. I love explanations. They put me at ease and make me stress less.

Other than that I am coming along okay. I have clearance to start walking for exercise. Miles are miles so I'll take it! We decided that the trip to Istanbul for work next week is probably not a great idea so I'm on leave for 2 more weeks which I'm relieved about. I can really, really finish healing hopefully without further stress, like hurricanes and stuff.

We had dinner with our friends tonight at a churrascuria. OMG, so perfect! Relatively healthy, too especially if I'm doing high protein. I had some sides too but the meat was excellent and I'd go back again.

I'm excited the drain is out and I can really focus on getting better. Yay!

Also, got the first preview of the new blog design. I have a few tweaks I'd like to make but I love the idea of this new blog!

Exercise is easier

I'm hoping to get clearance to do *something* physical when I go to the dr's tomorrow. It's been a long 3 weeks. The first week I was in so much pain that I didn't care about working out. The second week I had no power so I was depressed and bored (and still in pain) so while I thought about working out every day I still was in "eat what you want, you're recovering" mode.

This is my third-going-into-fourth week. Now is when my body isn't burning as much to heal, any residual effects of developing a good metabolism is probably disappearing, so I've come to the proverbial fork in the road: keep eating crap or cut back on calories to offset the lack of exercise.

When we chucked the fridge and freezer after the hurricane I only bought healthy things. It was hard to do, given the steady diet of candy and Chinese I lived on during hurricane week. And really, when you're standing in a grocery store surrounded by chips and ice cream, who really wants to say no? Not me.

In my regular life I eat fairly healthy. I have my indulgences but I enjoy them. I don't weigh myself a lot, I go by my clothing. I obsessed over food and points and all that tedious shit for so long, I don't make it the focus of my life now. I did -- both times I lost 100 lbs -- the first time with WW and the second time on a high protein diet using daily plate. I tracked everything down to measuring how much milk I put in my coffee. It's a drag. I hated it but I was seeing results week after week. When I got to my goal weight I tried to keep up with it but there doesn't seem to be the same incentive to be just as diligent but only see no change on the scale. So I stopped. I also joined xfit and I could see in pictures and in my clothes that whatever I was doing was working.

Truth be told, I could and maybe should lose 10 more lbs which would mean cracking down on my diet again. I always have this inner battle with myself: bust my ass and lose 10 more lbs and white knuckle my way through every day trying to stay there or be thrilled I've lost the weight (again) and have maintained it for over a year now. For the first time in my life I can eat something "bad" and A) not beat myself up for being a failure and B) not let it put me into a food frenzy that doesn't end. I've been in a good place with this. Maybe I'm going easy on myself by not losing 10 more lbs, maybe it's that I know myself well enough to know that's putting me into a precarious mental state that I may still not be strong enough to handle. As someone who has had food issues my entire life I avoid that chaotic, scary mind space whenever I can.

But, like I said, no working out means something has to give on the other end. My recognition of such is kind of a victory in itself. If I had a good track record of putting the breaks on I wouldn't have gained 100 lbs TWICE. The last few days have been good, egg whites or a scrambeled egg in the morning, turkey rollups, meatballs, Greek yogurt throughout the day -- my high protein go-tos that served me well this last time. It's like detoxing though. I miss grabbing a handful of Swedish fish or cheese popcorn. It's hard to eat healthy. It's not natural for me (and a lot of people) but I'm not going back to where I was and why would I have put myself through this hell of the abdominoplasty to get fat? Today I weighed myself and I'm 8 lbs lighter than when I went into the hospital. Three of which the surgeon removed for me. Some may be muscle loss. At least it isn't a gain. I have hope that once the swelling is gone I will be able to fit into regular clothes again.

I'm glad I seem to be able to reign it in when I have to but I would much prefer to be able to work out. It gives me so much more insurance in maintaining my weight. Not only that it makes me feel good. It gives me an opportunity every single day to better myself. Counting protein and carb grams doesn't quite have the same effect.

I hope to have a much rosier outlook tomorrow once the drain is out and it won't be from the percosets either.

Let's wrap this b**ch up

What a difference a day makes.

Yesterday I felt *awful* all day. I knew part of it was the pre-rain crappiness I usually feel before a storm but my abdomen was killing me. I fel like I was back at week 1. I would have been concerned but my drain was fine. I have no idea if that actually means anything but it's been my own little reassurance. Not to be TMI but last night I had a giant belch and the pain was gone. So, apparently, when I get gas trapped in my stomach it's so freaking tight that it has nowhere to go. Unexpected side effect of surgery #2451 that has been a surprise.

This healing thing has been fascinating and frustrating. Im really ready for it to be done though. My drain should come out Thursday and while I'm THRILLED about that every time I see how beautiful my incision is closing and how there is the tiniest of lines where it's already closed I think, "Shit. My body has also been healing around this drain for nearly 3 weeks. Ouch." When she took the first one out it had been less than a week so it didn't hurt at all. Just a sting. When I went for my second follow-up appointment I heard a guy screaming down the hallway. I bet I know why. I'm going to take 2 pain pills and wad up a bandana to shove in my mouth when she pulls it. I'm so dreading this even though I know I can finally finish healing when it's out.

I'm also ready to be done talking about all of this. I just want to get back to my life, my "normal" like I talked about and get on with it. I want to talk about running and WODs instead of drains and gas pains from super tight skin. This bores me and I'm the one living it, I can't imagine how tedious these blog entries are to read. Now that this process is hopefully coming to an end I realize how bizarre it all was. I also realize that there are still parts of me I'd love to have fixed but it's not as easy as it sounds. I'm not willing to have the downtime and mental BS of all of it. I had legitimate reasons to do what I did. The rest though? It stays where it lays. HAHA!

You did it to yourself

Life is slowly getting back to normal. Today I slept late and then we went grocery shopping to replace the entire contents of the fridge and freezer. It was actually a good thing. I didn't buy any crap. I only bought what I needed. It was a way to hit "reset" on eating healthy and, after the mental hell of the last few weeks, that's a great thing for me to do.

I have no concept of what day it is because of being without power for a week. Today is Sunday. Tomorrow is Labor Day. After that I go back to work on Thursday. I'm not ready but that's an entirely different matter. Tomorrow is the New Haven Road Race. So many people I know are doing it this year. At first I had to get over the fact I wasn't doing the 20K because I held out hope I *might* be able to do the 5K. When my drain didn't come out last week and I set my recovery back who knows how long with the stress and doing way too much shit just to survive last week without power I had to accept I wouldn't even be able to walk it. Not even walk it. That makes me so sad. I want to be there tomorrow with my friends. I want to do the 20K like I did last year, also coming off of surgery, and feel triumphant. Tonight when I feel like I should have my running clothes out and my gear packed I feel like I screwed myself royally and I have no one to blame but myself.

I remember blogging a looooong time ago about scheduling this thing. In my new life there is always some kind of event to train for. I knew if I was going to do this I'd have to make a sacrifice and miss something along the way because there was no off season. That's not a bad thing. For someone like me it's a miracle that I look at the calendar and see events and training plans instead of birthdays and anniversaries that I dread because it means that I will have to see people and they'll see how fat I've gotten. That's not how I live anymore, thankfully, but I'm having a harder time with this disruption to my life than I thought I would. Having a week-long disruption to my daily existence from the hurricane certainly didn't help but I know it's the race tomorrow that is putting me in a funk.

The Hartford 1/2 is in jeopardy now too. If my drain comes out this week (it should, amazingly the last 2 days where I've actually gotten to rest the way I should have been post-Irene has brought my fluid level down to where it should have been) then I can start up with running again. I am not afraid of pain, running the 20K last year 10 days after gallbladder surgery was pain. I'm not afraid of being slow or having to take walk breaks -- I've rebuilt my running base so many damned times now I know what to expect and I know I'll eventually prevail. But I'm right at the cusp where I'm cutting things close. I'm not going to stress about Goofy (yet) because official training wouldn't start until late September and the first few weeks are pretty low mileage anyway. I don't want to miss Hartford but I don't want to overestimate my ability to make up for lost time with training.

*sigh* This sucks. I guess I could have waited until after Goofy and done this in January. I wanted it done though. I was ready. If I put it off I might have not done it (again). There's no going back. I did what I did when I did it. I'm hoping I'm coming out on the other side of the recovery process at this point. My incision looks beautiful. It's nearly closed almost all the way across and it will be a tiny scar for the most part except the hip area because that's where the drains were/are. I'm still pretty swollen throughout the abdomen and my regular clothes are awhile away but I catch glimpses of myself in profile, binder and all, and I think "Wow. It's really gone. Maybe this wasn't for nothing after all."

I didn't spend a lot of time on cosmetic surgery boards when I was choosing to do this. Honestly, I find a lot of those forums a waste of time. A lot of it is a pissing contest (my surgeon is better than your surgeon) and a lot of it is just more stuff to worry about than I needed to because, really, once you go under it's beyond your control. I had certainly read that it was major surgery and I guess I discounted what "major" really meant. I'm not going to pop a stitch reaching around to pat myself on the back but maybe part of my mental struggle has been this: if getting back to normal for me simply meant being able to go back to work or drive then I'd pretty much be there already. Getting back to "normal" for me is being able to do a 20K race tomorrow, a 1/2 marathon a month later, the Tough Mudder a month after that, the Goofy Challenge the month after that. Maybe that's why I've struggled so hard with depression after this. It's a good problem to have. The old me wouldn't have given a shit about any of this stuff.

I wish everyone who is doing the race tomorrow a great day. I'm going to try not to have a pity party for myself because I hope to have many, many more race days in my future.

Power x 2

First and most important, we got power back tonight. Seven days later -- a week that I don't know how I got through given everything else -- it's back. I was finally in a happy place, I was staying at my aunt and uncle's and we were having so much fun. I was relaxed, resting, and happy. I should have gone there earlier in the week but who knew it would take 7 days to get it back. I'm thankful for everyone who got me through this week. I had so many offers of showers, shelter, and food. It's good to know that I have so many kind and generous people in my life.

Today I went to the 31 Heroes WOD. It was my first time back at Xfit since surgery and even though I wasn't going to WOD I was happy anyway. It was GREAT to see everyone. To hear my name and get so many hugs, it was an awesome feeling.

The WOD was incredible: a 31-minute AMRAP of 8 thrusters, 11 box jumps, and 6 rope climbs while the partner ran 400 meters with a 25 lb plate (45 lbs for men). Once the running partner got back they picked up where the other partner left off and switched. I knew it was a rough WOD when I saw almost everyone doing it look at the clock around the 11 minute mark and say, either out loud or with their expression, "That's all?!" I was proud to be there, watching my husband and friends give their very best to a very meaningful workout. I felt their power and even though I'm probably 2 weeks away from starting to Xfit again, I felt that power within me. I wanted to be jumping on the box, I wanted to be climbing the rope. I'll get back there and I think I'm going to have the confidence I've been denying myself once my strength catches back up to my will.

The intent of 31 Heroes was to honor the 30 Navy Seals who died on August 6th and their trained military dog, Bart. The organizers have raised $300,000 so far! It is always amazing to see how quickly and passionately the Xfit community rallies to offer their support. I'm proud to be a part of that community and I'm proud to be a part of my Xfit family who is so generous with their support every day to each other.

One rough week

Still no power or water. I'm at my wit's end. Recovery has been miserable because of it. Every day that I should be on the couch I've had to go out in search of a shower or food. It's a real fucking drag. It's hard to get in and out of the car. It's not comfortable to drive. Thankfully my car has a back-up camera because I honestly think twisting around would snap another layer of stitches. Or at least be really uncomfortable.

I can see exactly what I'm *not* supposed to be doing. When I wake up from a long time on my back with no motion my drain is clear like it should be. When I have to do stuff and move around it gets darker and darker. I wonder if I had actually been able to relax if my drain would be out by now.

I'm losing it. I'm depressed. I don't feel well, I have no comfort at home. I spent the week alone with no power and barely able to take care of myself. Today we came down to my aunt's house since the latest estimate is TUESDAY for getting power back. We were here an hour and my dog got out of the basement and went after one of my aunt's dogs. That was the LAST thing I needed. I told my husband to pack up the dogs and to go home. I was staying here for at least the night. I need to relax. I need to take care of myself or this healing is not ever going to finish happening and I'm in my 3rd week now.

My friend asked me if I would recommend getting this done. I told her at this point I would not. She asked if I could separate the hell of being without power and water would it have been better. I can't though. It's all been one horrible process. Maybe when this other drain comes out it will be better but it's been so much harder than I ever thought it would be and it's not like I have the results I want yet. Tonight I went to Kohl's because I have no clothes (they were in my aunt's wash) and I bought a pair of knit waist shorts 2 sizes bigger than I normally wear but I need the stretch waist to get over the binder and the drain. How depressing is that? You go into this because you want to look great and you end up buying bigger clothes. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do in less than 2 weeks when I go to Istanbul. I can't wear any suits, obviously. I have a dress I can wear a cardigan over for one day. I'll have to buy another loose dress for the other meeting day. That's assuming I feel okay. I'm really starting to stress about all of this now. I'm unraveling.

Tomorrow is the 31 Heroes WOD at Xfit. I'm not into going. I knew it would be hard to watch and not participate but with everything that's happened this week it's even harder.

Watch for news of my new blog! I've registered a URL, Blog Fairy is working on my design, I love the concept and I'm excited about this new step. It's coming at just the right time, I hope. I hope I'm going to take a corner very soon.

No snazzy title, just an update

Day 2 of no power, water, or cell service. I got out today to go to the surgeon's and had to reroute twice because of giant trees. I almost didn't make it. Not that it would have mattered because she said to keep the drain in (I knew she would) for another few days. I have to get down to 30ml a day and I'm still in the 50s. I'm glad though because when I was logging the fluid yesterday I thought it seemed high to leave inside my body if there was no drain. The drain site isn't infected so I was okay with her leaving it in. Also, I hadn't had anything to eat when I got there and since this one is the deeper (ie, more painful) of the 2 to remove I didn't want pass out.

Otherwise I'm healing okay she said. The outer incisions are closing up nicely. She felt around where I popped the stitches and didn't feel any muscle damage (thank god). She said she puts multiple layers in so ripping a few wouldn't make much if a difference. Without tv this recovery just ot a lot harder though!

I'm coming up on 2 weeks and I miss working out so much. I'm more active during the day, I can wake better and for longer. I'll give myself another week before I start to worry about losing strength or stamina. The rest probably wasn't a bad thing and since 2 weeks has gone by so quickly and I'm just *now* starting to feel antsy I know this was one hell of a procedure.

I got a beautiful card today from a friend at xfit. She's such a doll. She was one of the great people who got me to the finish line of the tough mudder. I wouldn't have finished without her, that's for certain. It was so wonderful to read her kind, encouraging words when I'm starting to feel anxious about being out of commission. I know when I'm ready I have friends waiting for me and that is an awesome feeling.

Chicken Soup for the Soul

Today was my first social outing since the surgery. It's taken 9 days to feel ready, which blows my mind that it's already been that long. I'm so grateful I have another week off from work because I really could not imagine going back this coming week.

I met Chris and her son at the shore and her and Bill went for a run while I sat by the water. Just sitting outside and getting some sea air felt wonderful. When they were done we went out for breakfast. It was SO what I needed. Chris said she can already see a big difference. My perspective is so skewed because I feel bulky from the binder and dressings underneath. I'm flat but I'm swollen. I have no shape still because the skin down to my belly button is stretched so tight it's flat but not in the flat-you-can-see-ab-muscles way, just flat until the skin forgives me enough to start molding back into a shape.

We had a great time, albeit too short as it always seems to be when we get together. Sitting outside on a beautiful day (the last for a few days with the hurricane coming) eating a great breakfast with my dear friend, her adorable son, and my great husband made me feel like "Okay, life is getting back to normal. Things are going to be fine." It was a fantastic feeling. Something that 9 days of pain, anxiety, sleeplessness, depression, and doubt made me appreciate all the more.

And, being the amazing person she is, she brought me home-made chicken soup which was INCREDIBLE and so thoughtful. I felt so loved. It was a great, GREAT morning.

After that B began hurricane preparations. For the most part I'm not worried about the storm but then I see that scary satellite picture and wonder how bad it's going to be. I'm on a hill so I don't expect flooding but I am surrounded by tons and tons of trees. What can I do though? If something is going to happen it's going to happen. B took out all our patio furniture and I hope he knows it's going right back after the storm because the best days of sitting on the deck are yet to come in September and October. The deck looks so empty!



We went to Walmart and that outing wasn't nearly as satisfying as the morning. I get really, really tired by mid-day. You can tell just by how I walk, I'm more upright in the morning, I'm practically hunched over by mid-day. I also try to take just 2 pills for pain now, one when I get up and one around 6 when the burning feeling sets in. We got some provisions and Walmart was amazingly organized and calm. They had carts filled with flashlights and propane tanks at the front of the store with employees manning them so there wasn't a mob of people walking off with all the stuff people were there for. After that I took a 2+ hour nap. Drained.

Today being such a great day I am starting to feel that excitement about getting this done before I actually did get it done and questioned myself every day after. I haven't dared to try on real clothes yet, I know they won't fit right because of the swelling and the binder. I don't know if I will have lost a size or what but I am hopeful that fall shopping will be different this year. I'm hoping to be able to wear things I wouldn't have before with the gut always in the way. Even though my big b-day fete is 6 weeks away it's NEVER too early to look for just the right outfit. ;) I lurve this dress so I ordered it. If the swelling is down by then I'm thinking I may be able to pull it off. We'll see!

Bust a gut

Yesterday I felt like I finally tuned a corner. Physically: doing well. Mentally: feeling better about the whole thing. Took a look in the mirror without the dressings and saw potential. Things were good.

I've coughed a few times since the surgery and when I knew it was coming and couldn't stop it I would hold my stomach and make it as shallow as possible. The other day my husband was making me laugh and I would get a chuckle out before I had to clutch my sides and stop. I've *felt* like I could literally bust a gut but I never thought it could really happen.

Well guess what? You can! Last night I coughed. It snuck up on me, I didn't have time to brace myself. I coughed and I felt something pop, almost like something was being unzipped underneath my skin. I freaked the F out. It didn't hurt. It burned a little but there wasn't any pain. I called the surgeon right away and the doctor on duty called me back within 10 minutes. He wasn't alarmed, he said if my drain suddenly started getting dark fluid or the output increased significantly to call back but otherwise even if I popped a few stitches it's not like they would go back in and fix them. As long as the outside was holding together that was the important thing.

It was a stressful night. I was terrified I was A) bleeding to death and B) had screwed up my surgery. Thankfully, I had friends to calm me down.

The drain was fine, it was the exact same amount of fluid all night as it had been the day before. The color is the same. My outer incisions are fine. I seem to be holding together. I have another follow-up on Monday and we'll talk about this, of course, but I have to believe in the history anyone -- man or woman -- who has had a tummy tuck no one ever popped a stitch or 2 sneezing, coughing, farting, or whatever. I was 8 days out at that point and the stitches under my skin are dissolvable so maybe they were on their way out anyway? Who knows. I look actually like I'm making some healing progress on the outside so I would think I'm healing internally too. This whole process has been and will remain a mystery to me.

I got a package today from my dear friend Chris (who also helped me calm down last night). She was the one who asked me what my goal was and I told her to wear jeans with a belt. Guess what she sent? I love it!!



Right now I can't imagine getting out of sweatpants or sleep shorts but when the swelling does subside and I attempt regular clothes for the first time, I cannot wait to wear it. "Don't dream it, be it." I don't know if she knows this but that's a line from my favorite song from Rocky Horror. I put it on my playlist during my NYC training and I always loved that part. Don't dream it, be it. Awesome.

In other exciting news, I got an email today -- Blog Fairy is ready to start working on my new layout! Decisions! Decisions! Also, I sold my 7th auction on eBay so operation Louis V Phase I is complete. Now I start working on funding a matching wallet. Why not? Apparently I have good crap to sell!

A lot of thankfulness to be had

I don't like text heavy blogs because, you know, who wants to go blind from me yammering without at least a picture of something to break it up. Lately I don't have much to photograph though -- me lying on the couch, me lying in bed, me hunched over sitting semi-upright looking green -- not really interesting. And let's not even consider posting pictures of the "work." I love horror movies but I'm not subjecting anyone to that mess.

Today I have a little visual interest though! A cookie basket from work! How very thoughtful!



That's a lot of freaking cookies! I love the little doctor bears. Cute because it was a get well basket and also because of our industry. Nice touch.

I feel strange accepting "get well" wishes like this because I'm not sick. This was an elective procedure. Work doesn't know the details because I've always felt that less is more whenever stuff like this is concerned. They could find out easily enough and I'd be completely honest if anyone asked. No one did so I didn't volunteer. So this was very, VERY kind of them to send.

Today was a long day. I didn't fall asleep until the sun was coming up. I don't think my cat naps during the day are doing it because I'm really tired all the time, I just think night is a really hard time because I'm incredibly uncomfortable. I'm so tired of having to grab onto the bed frame behind me to pull myself up an inch. I'm SO miserable sleeping on my back like a freaking vampire. I don't know what to do with my arms so I cross them over my chest. I have to keep a pillow under my knees because I can't stretch out fully. So bedtime just isn't a fun time for me no matter what meds are involved.

I had my first follow-up appointment today. The surgeon took one of the drains out. I already feel better physically. The next one won't come out until next week because it's doing more of the drainage because it is placed deeper, apparently. Also, I remarked that I couldn't believe I was glued together and she told me that it's only my outer incision that is glued. I have "layers and layers" of stitches on the inside. Ick. I forgot to ask her if my belly button was newly made or if she used my old one and just reinserted it. This is a fascinating thing to me. She wasn't very chatty so I forgot to ask her the few dumb questions I had. I did ask her about my hips and she said she thought the bulging would probably go down but the way she said it it wasn't exactly a promise. She said she gave me a nice hourglass shape, which is true, I can already see my waist is smaller despite the swelling. It's just weird that my anatomy is altered to a different body shape now. I saw myself in profile in the full-length mirror (the first time I dared to look) and I'm flat, for sure. That was the goal. It's less than a week, I'm trying not to get upset because I don't look exactly how I'm going to look. I don't know what reshaping I'll be doing on my own with Xfit once I'm back at it. I remember telling my friend that my goal was to look good in jeans - flat stomach and a big butt. The surgeon sure as hell didn't alter my ass so I think that goal was achieved. This is just all so weird for me, getting used to a new body shape that didn't occur gradually after day-in and day-out of work. I have seen a reshaping of my upper body but I saw the progression of what it took to get there: the first time I saw a bicep bulge, the first time I saw the line between the delt and the bicep, etc. And the bottom line is, whatever I am or am not used to today may look different in 6 months anyway. I've never really hated anything on my face enough that I wanted to get plastic surgery but I don't think I could handle it, I really don't. I think I can look great in jeans now even if I never wear a bikini (not the intent of this procedure but I sure wouldn't complain if it were a side effect). If I hated a new nose or new lips and had to look at it every day what would I do?

Fascinating. This mental process is fascinating. I feel like pre- and post-op counseling should be part of the package because it can easily deteriorate from "dream come true" to "if only..."

I discovered another thing about myself this morning that was brought upon by a bad mood and crappy sleep: I'm not very bright. I was in the waiting room getting pissed looking at all the people sitting around me for consultations or follow-ups and it seemed like everyone was talking about insurance but me. I thought, am I the only f*cking idiot that paid for this myself? Should I have spent months and months fighting the insurance company to get this done? I was getting in a progressively pissy mood as my appointment got later and later. A woman sitting across from me saw me hold my stomach as I moved in my seat and asked me how I was doing. I chatted with her assuming she was getting something cosmetic done and she started to cry. Yes, she was seeing a plastic surgeon but it was in conjunction with treatment at Smilow cancer center. I thought, well I'm as stupid as they come. Not everyone is here for a tummy tuck, there are people with real problems. It was kind of like that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry makes fun of a dermatologist as Pimple Popper, MD and then finds out she saved someone who had melanoma. Yeah. So a little hip bulge in my new "hourglass" figure? Not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things.

Coming to my senses

Today was a better day. I didn't fall asleep until 3:30ish so I slept later but when I got up my drains were good and I was stiff from not moving but not in horrible pain. I took some pain meds when I got up but I lasted until 5pm before taking another one. I didn't take Valium for the muscle soreness but I'll take one before bed. The antibiotic horse pills are killing me though. They get stuck every time and my stomach (the inside one) hurts. I'll be happy when that bottle is done.

My parents came over today. It was a good visit but I was exhausted after even from just 2 hours. I took a nap after but let's be honest, I'd take a 2-hour nap on a Sunday anyway. I did a reveal of my stomach (the outside one) for my mom and she said it looked good and I needed a belly ring. Haha. She was more pleased that there was no redness at all from infection. It was a quick glance though, it is pretty hideous to look at so we changed the dressings and sealed me back up in the binder.

I had a great chat with my dear friend tonight. That boosted me spirits a lot and I'm going to meet her on Friday while -- get this -- she and my husband do a run and then we all go out for breakfast. That's awesome! I think the best way for me to stay in the game with fitness is to keep it a part of my life even while I'm recovering. Just because I can't run I am thrilled my husband and friend will do it anyway. My xfit is hosting a benefit WOD on the 3rd called 31 Heroes and even though I won't be able to do it I signed up to support the cause and I'll go and be the photographer. The door is and will remain open to me there. I'm the only one who can shut it by feeling sorry for myself, convincing myself I've lost too much time and can't recover for my fall events, and turning my back on the support system I've been lucky enough to develop. When I go back I'll be slow, I won't be lifting heavy, and I'll have to modify some moves again but it's not going to matter. My place in the community was never contingent on whether I could RX a WOD or not. Talking with Chris made me realize that.

Tomorrow is my first follow up. I know it's too soon to see how I'm going to turn out but I'd really like not to hear "Wow. I really botched that one up, huh?" when she looks at me. After that I have to mail out my first completed auction! It ended 7 days early with buy-it-now. I wish I had better crap to sell!!

Onions make me cry

I've reached the depression stage of healing. I'm tired of being tired. Sick of being sore. I have to empty my drains 3 times a day and even though I know the repercussions of not doing so I don't want to deal with it any more. I feel more swollen today than before but that's normal apparently. When I lift up the binder to get at the drains I see all the glue holding me together and the ugly stitches keeping the drains secure and I am depressed that I mutilated myself so hideously.

These are all fairly normal post-op feelings. It's not like walking into a salon and walking out with a great new 'do. It will be weeks before I'll get a true idea of what I will look like. It will be months before I'm 100% healed although life should be back to normal 4 to 6 weeks out. Right now I'm not seeing the benefit. I only feel the discomfort and let-down. Again, all normal so I've read. I've put my body through an enormous strain. My mind isn't that resolute that I'm immune to the feelings that accompany this.

I can't forget that this process in itself was emotional, regardless of post-surgical fatigue and melancholy. All the fluctuations of excitement, fear, and uncertainty certainly play a part in my mood now.

I started the day off well: I woke up with 10ml less fluid in each drain than I had been getting. The sun was out so I laid in my deck chair (which is the perfect angle for how I'm supposed to be reclining) and when I started to get sweaty I had husband help me wash my hair. I could have done yesterday but I had neither the energy nor need for clean hair when I planned on staying in bed all day. It was when I undid the binder that I felt the depression kick in. I noticed bulges in my hip area that looked awful to me. Instead of saying to myself a) they weren't there the other day so it's probably swelling and b) that's exactly where the drains are so -- again -- probably swelling, I thought I looked horrible and that this was for nothing. I looked it up online and nearly everything I read said it takes months, even up to a year, for the body to settle into its new positioning. Of course the one post that really stuck with me was the woman who said it was a waste of money, how unhappy she was, how she had revision surgery and was unhappy with that too. I thought: is that going to be me? Did I just peel back the first layer of an onion and I'm going to keep peeling and peeling until there is nothing left of me?

I would *hope* that my surgeon's plan was to give me the best results possible, not make me develop a new body issue. In this state of mind I am afraid of my follow up visit and hearing her say that it wasn't going to look any better. What would I do? It's really not like going to a salon. If I hate the color the stylist redyes it. If I hate the cut it grows out. This is my body here. I have permanently altered it. There isn't any going back.

Today was a better day physically. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day mentally. I miss my friends. I miss working out. I don't like feeling like a blob with no shape hunched over when I walk because I'm not supposed to strain the incisions by standing fully upright. I lived in sweatpants and boxy men's t-shirts for years. Maybe my wardrobe is bringing up those feelings which is ironic because supposedly underneath the frumpy exterior I have a snazzy new shape.

I don't mean to whine every day. I'm just being honest about the recovery process and the feelings that have come up throughout it. I'd be worse off if I didn't try to acknowledge how I'm feeling or the possible reasons behind it. This was a running blog a year ago. It's so much more to me now (and in think after months and months on the waiting list, 6 I think) I'll have a new template soon (still 2 more people ahead of me) that reflects my life rather than that one race. Can't wait!

In non-surgical, non-bodycentric news, I started listing some stuff on eBay. I have so many things I don't use and I really want a LV bag so I have a few auctions going on. Out with the old, hopefully in with a new! I just can't justify the cost of an LV bag but if I were, in essence, trading bags I don't use anymore then it would kind of be free, right? And it's always good to clear out clutter so I'm doing my husband a favor too. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. ;) I have over a week left on the auctions I have up and I'll be posting more. Let's see if my wheeling and dealing pays off!

Oof

Today was the worst yet. I think Wednesday went okay because I was so happy to have made it through surgery and I was on great drugs. Thursday was good because I came home. Today was just rough. I almost fainted emptying my drains this morning. That's how the day started. I was queasy most of the day but as soon as I started drinking more fluids I seemed to feel better.

Pain is considerable. I read on my discharge papers that it's normal to have more swelling a few days after so I think I'm at that point where my body is over the initial shock and working hard to heal.

I'm hoping to turn a corner tomorrow. My husband has been taking great care of me but I think it's freaking him out to see me so incapacitated. He's stressed out, I can tell. Later in the day he commented that I had color back in my face. I guess he was quietly watching and worrying when I wasn't looking so great in the morning.

I think today was the closest I've felt to second guessing having this done. I know this will pass and I'll be happy I did it. Today wasca challenge though. I hope I sleep well and tomorrow is a better day.