Child's Play

A week from today -- right now -- I hope to be celebrating with my teammates the completion of our first Tough Mudder.



I've been honest about my fears: fear of failing my team, fear of not finishing, and -- if you've watched the video -- fear of just about every obstacle that is bound to inflict mental and physical pain. The last few days I've divided the obstacles in my mind into 2 categories: ones that require skill (like the monkey bars) and ones that just plain suck for everyone (like the live wires). I can't do anything about the live wires other than gut my way through them just like everyone else will have to. But the ones that require skill -- those are the ones I know are on me to do or not do, as Yoda would say.

I went to Xfit today and we had a good WOD. A 20-minute AMRAP of 400 meter run, a rope climb, and handstand pushups to failure. We've had lots of running this week which is good prep for the mudder. Today we also had rope climbs which I was glad to do because that will definitely help with some of the obstacles. I got 3.5 climbs in today and I was happy with that because it was a confidence boost for next week.

After the WOD we were all talking about the mudder and we decided to go to a playground and practice monkey bars. I was not an active kid so I can honestly say I never made my way across monkey bars as a child so to do it as an adult is even harder. But we had a lot of fun! I made it across with just my arms and then the girls tried crawling underneath them using both our hands and feet. That's the way to go, for me anyway, but I was glad to see that I have *some* upper body strength.

I feel really good about the mudder now. I feel like I've trained the best I could for this and that I am on a team with amazing athletes who are going into this for the camaraderie and the team spirit. I don't feel like I am going to fail them, just as I know they aren't going to let me fail.

It's amazing how 30 minutes at a playground with some teammates has changed my mindset about this. I'm excited now! I'm looking forward to it! It's going to be hard and it's going to be a huge challenge but I'm going to do this!! I really believe I can!

Team

I have my Mudder team t-shirt so this really must be happening. It's pretty bitchin, if I don't say so myself.



I haven't been part of too many teams in my life, especially not athletic ones. I played Little League softball when I was a kid and I guess I was pretty good at it. I know I was a good hitter, at least. But, like most memories associated with childhood I remember being big and awkward more than I remember being an asset to the team. The last year I played Little League I was taller than the little peanuts on my team and sturdy so they had to get me pants from the boys because the largest girls size didn't fit. How this affected my confidence and desire to be on another sports team, I don't know. I still remember my face being flushed with embarassment when I had to ask the coach for larger pants almost 30 years later so maybe it affected me a lot.

When I did the NYC marathon I was technically part of a team but I wasn't really. I never saw anyone from my team on race day. No one knew each other, we all had different starts, and everyone was there to run our own race. I was part of the team in charity only and that was fine.

Now that the Mudder is really happening (in 11 days!) and I'm part of a team I'm terrified. I'm used to failing myself but the thought of failing the 16 other members of my team is a pressure I haven't found a way to deal with. I originally planned to do the Mudder on my own, then when I joined Xfit I became part of their team, now I wish I was on my own again not because I don't like the people on my team and I don't desperately want to be a part of the camraderie -- because I do! -- it's because I don't want to fail them. It's that "being last" thing again. Damn it, it's always there.

Last night my friend and I looked at the team roster and she could tell I was having anxiety issues. She's awesome and built me up like she always does. I've been thinking about "team" a lot since last night and this morning and I realized that we're all going to bring different strengths to this, that's what a team is. We have a guy on the team who can deadlift 405 lbs and can probably pull us up the walls 2 at a time. We have people who run 7-minute miles. We have women who can do pullups like a Navy Seal and can probably tackle the greased monkey bars without breaking a sweat. And then we have me.

I don't have great upper body strength (yet). I'm not fast (yet). But, as far as I know, I'm the only one on the team who has done a marathon, at least within the last 6 months. Not that it will help me physically, sadly I've read that you lose that peak endurance within 2 weeks of a marathon. I believe it too, it astounded me that I ran 26.2 miles and a week later 5 miles killed me. But I know what it's like to dig down and find something to push me through when I feel like I have nothing left to give. I know perservence. I know cramps, frustration, the mental game of getting just one more mile in, and the elation of finishing something that I never thought I would have the courage to start. It may not be a tangible strength like being able to scale a wall but in an event like the Tough Mudder I'm not going to discount it.

Not your mudder's workout

Today I felt all kinds of bad ass. It didn't start out that way though. I was supposed to go to Xfit for the partner WOD and ended up sleeping until after 10. Oops. But that ended up being a good thing because since I had missed Xfit and tomorrow is Easter, it forced me to go do a trail run. It was POURING. But I figured what better practice for the Tough Mudder than slogging through -- you know -- mud to see how well I would do.

It was AWESOME. I had a whole thing going. At every mile I did a "challenge" to add to the intensity.

Mile 1: 25 pushups (man-style, baby)
Mile 2: 1-minute squat hold
Mile 3: 1-minute plank hold
Mile 4: 25 squats
Mile 5: 25 pushups (still man-style!)
Mile 6: 90-second squat hold
Mile 7: 90-second plank hold
Mile 8: 25 squats

YEAH!!!!!!!!!! It felt awesome to hear the audio cue when I had hit each mile and hit the ground. My hands were muddy and covered in gravel. I was hardcore!

The best part was that even with all the extras thrown in I averaged 11:01/mile for the 8.06 miles. A year ago when I first started doing this trail anything under 13 min/mile was a big deal. It's not a fast route. My GPS said I did a total of 890 feet climb in elevation. I'm not sure if that's accurate but I'll go along.

Here's the elevation chart:



I know the Mudder is going to be insanely hard. It's a total of 2000 in elevation climb plus 30 obstacles. But I feel better about it than I did 2 weeks ago. I'll do the trail next week, maybe go for 10 miles, maybe make the challenges at each mile harder, and hope for the best.

This sounds stupid but I feel so lucky that a workout like this is possible for me. My mother (and everyone else's mother) had the Jane Fonda record with the legwarmers and leotard. Today I was doing straight-leg pushups in the mud like a Marine. The 70s/early 80s were rad and all but I will happily take the mud over tights any day.

Trailing back

I haven't posted one of these in awhile. Lately it's been all Xfit, all the time.



Honestly, the last time I ran 8 miles was over a month ago at the 1/2. I've had nightmares about the Mudder all week ranging from the ridiculous (I was the only one they didn't order a team shirt for) to the terrifying (my plane crashed on the way, I'm driving there but the symbolism is obvious). I think it was good for me to focus on Xfit for a few weeks and take a break from running but the fear of losing endurance was obviously affecting me. It was a good few weeks -- lost a few more ell-bees, feeling stronger at Xfit, feeling less burnt out overall. But it's time to get back to some mileage.

I did the trail today and it was a good run. This is not a fast route for me, it's a long gradual climb for the first 4 miles and somehow it's never as easy coming back down for the last 4 miles as I think it would be. Pace wasn't my focus today, just getting in the distance was my goal. I actually did pretty well. I know I'm always drinking the Xfit Kool-Aid but I haven't really run in a month (a few miles at a time only) and my pace was no different than it was in August when I was doing this trail every week. In fact, it was slightly better than most of my runs during the NYC training. That's awesome. Everyone told me this would happen with Xfit and I didn't believe them. And yet, today was a really good run.

I feel better. I need to step it up in the next 20 days with more hillwork but a little anxiety has been alleviated that I haven't wasted the last month by only doing Xfit.

This week I'll swap out more running for less Xfit and then maybe change it back up the week after. This is when I wish I had a coach to tell me what to do. I don't feel like I really know what I'm doing on my own, I just have to keep working and hope for the best.

This is CrossFit

I may never get there



but I can always get further than where I am now.

Learning to love last

I've talked about coming in last before at Xfit. It happens to almost everyone, either because it's a tough endurance WOD or because someone is RXing a weight. Like I've said, there's no shame, no judgement. As long as we all go out and do our best someone will still have to come in last.

It's me, a lot. I'll be honest. Especially lately. There's an awful feeling just before the WOD begins when you know what's ahead of you and you look at the people in the box that night and know that they're all going to be fast and strong. But what do you do? Leave? Cheat and shave off a few reps? No, because that's not why you walked in the doors in the first place. As I've made more friends there it's not as horrendous as it used to be imagining that they're all sitting there waiting for the fat girl to finish. They call out my name. They cheer me on. Tonight one of the instructors who was already done with his WOD went out to run the last 400 meters with me and we pulled off a nice sprint at the end. When moments like that happen I realize it's not a failure to be last, just a reason to try harder.

But for all this talk, I still am not right with it in my head. I was invited by a friend to go to his bootcamp class tonight. I actually did have logistic concerns, I would have had to leave work an hour early and the way things are going that was just not going to happen. But the real truth is I was scared. I didn't want to be last. Especially where I only knew one person there and they've all been training together for a long time. My friend had to courage to come up to my Xfit to work out with us when he had no idea what he was in for but he's a tremendous athlete. I don't think coming in last was ever a concern for him. But there it was again, my fear holding me back from trying new things.

I have another friend -- my buddy for partner WODs -- who did a ANOTHER 5K this weekend (2 in a row!). She was last. Her story is so awesome though -- she was high-fiving people, they were calling out her name, everyone was rooting for her. She isn't me. She wasn't mortified. She owned it and she has a great story to tell about the race where she had a police escort to the finish. She makes me laugh and she gives me so much support and motivation.

Among the many, many fears I work to overcome every single time I walk into Xfit, coming in last is still right up there and, seemingly, not going anywhere. But I have to look at the positive. When I started I was doing my pullups with the green band (the thickest) and still needing to stop after every few. Now I'm down to the 2 skinny ones and I can pump right through a set of 10 with no stops. It even occurred to me that I might be ready to go down to one band. Of course, that means slowing down in a WOD that has pullups and there's the "being last" issue but I'd rather be last but actually more fit than be faster because I'm not working as hard. As far as the people I work out with, I'd rather be last among a group of truly amazing athletes than not be challenged at all.

On Saturday we did a partner workout. It ended up being the girls against the guys and we won! As we were running our last lap, all at slightly different paces, one of the women said "Let's all finish together." So we did. No one was last because we all made sure we'd make it together.

I'm feeling it. The support. The inspiration. The fire to want to push harder. I may complain and doubt myself but I know I'm making progress through my own determination and the amazing people I draw motivation from. You know you've done your job as a team member when this just happens. Smiling. Exhausted. Happy. It's what it's all about.

Just hanging around

I've been laying low this week. It was a rough one -- my grandmother passed away and we had her service on Monday. My mom is obviously upset and she's dealing with her own health issues. Work is work. I feel stressed out, overwhelmed, and tired. I haven't felt on top of my game this week but I guess that's understandable.

I did a 5K last week with some of the folks from MCCF. It was for charity, our entry fee was 25 canned goods so that was cool. I did horrible: 29 minutes and change. I was just not feeling it and the wind was wicked. Even though it was a sucky race for me it was great to see some members of Xfit do their very first 5K! Just like when we're in the box, as each person finished (the owner finished in 22 minutes!) we all lined up by the finish to cheer on the rest of our crew. I wish every race could be like that.

Here are the girls from MCCF on race day.



The Mudder is less than a month away and I'm freaking out. I guess my goal will be just to finish since I have no idea what I'm in for with pacing. We're doing this as a team. As long as we all finish then it's a success. They posted pictures from the Mudder that's happening this weekend in PA. You can see why my anxiety is rising.



I'm signed up for the Goofy Challenge now. I did it the day it opened and a few days later I had registration regret. It's not a race you want to regret signing up for either at $310. But today Disney posted this on FB and it got me kind of excited.



It's a long way away but I know it will be here before I know it. I'll officially go into training around June. As down as I've been on distance running and all the relentless training it will be very cool to cross the finish line twice in a weekend and to earn the coveted Goofy medal.

Until then, I'll just keep doing my thing and trying to improve my strength and my outlook on things. I'm here. I haven't given up.