Day 2 of no power, water, or cell service. I got out today to go to the surgeon's and had to reroute twice because of giant trees. I almost didn't make it. Not that it would have mattered because she said to keep the drain in (I knew she would) for another few days. I have to get down to 30ml a day and I'm still in the 50s. I'm glad though because when I was logging the fluid yesterday I thought it seemed high to leave inside my body if there was no drain. The drain site isn't infected so I was okay with her leaving it in. Also, I hadn't had anything to eat when I got there and since this one is the deeper (ie, more painful) of the 2 to remove I didn't want pass out.
Otherwise I'm healing okay she said. The outer incisions are closing up nicely. She felt around where I popped the stitches and didn't feel any muscle damage (thank god). She said she puts multiple layers in so ripping a few wouldn't make much if a difference. Without tv this recovery just ot a lot harder though!
I'm coming up on 2 weeks and I miss working out so much. I'm more active during the day, I can wake better and for longer. I'll give myself another week before I start to worry about losing strength or stamina. The rest probably wasn't a bad thing and since 2 weeks has gone by so quickly and I'm just *now* starting to feel antsy I know this was one hell of a procedure.
I got a beautiful card today from a friend at xfit. She's such a doll. She was one of the great people who got me to the finish line of the tough mudder. I wouldn't have finished without her, that's for certain. It was so wonderful to read her kind, encouraging words when I'm starting to feel anxious about being out of commission. I know when I'm ready I have friends waiting for me and that is an awesome feeling.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Chicken Soup for the Soul
Today was my first social outing since the surgery. It's taken 9 days to feel ready, which blows my mind that it's already been that long. I'm so grateful I have another week off from work because I really could not imagine going back this coming week.
I met Chris and her son at the shore and her and Bill went for a run while I sat by the water. Just sitting outside and getting some sea air felt wonderful. When they were done we went out for breakfast. It was SO what I needed. Chris said she can already see a big difference. My perspective is so skewed because I feel bulky from the binder and dressings underneath. I'm flat but I'm swollen. I have no shape still because the skin down to my belly button is stretched so tight it's flat but not in the flat-you-can-see-ab-muscles way, just flat until the skin forgives me enough to start molding back into a shape.
We had a great time, albeit too short as it always seems to be when we get together. Sitting outside on a beautiful day (the last for a few days with the hurricane coming) eating a great breakfast with my dear friend, her adorable son, and my great husband made me feel like "Okay, life is getting back to normal. Things are going to be fine." It was a fantastic feeling. Something that 9 days of pain, anxiety, sleeplessness, depression, and doubt made me appreciate all the more.
And, being the amazing person she is, she brought me home-made chicken soup which was INCREDIBLE and so thoughtful. I felt so loved. It was a great, GREAT morning.
After that B began hurricane preparations. For the most part I'm not worried about the storm but then I see that scary satellite picture and wonder how bad it's going to be. I'm on a hill so I don't expect flooding but I am surrounded by tons and tons of trees. What can I do though? If something is going to happen it's going to happen. B took out all our patio furniture and I hope he knows it's going right back after the storm because the best days of sitting on the deck are yet to come in September and October. The deck looks so empty!
We went to Walmart and that outing wasn't nearly as satisfying as the morning. I get really, really tired by mid-day. You can tell just by how I walk, I'm more upright in the morning, I'm practically hunched over by mid-day. I also try to take just 2 pills for pain now, one when I get up and one around 6 when the burning feeling sets in. We got some provisions and Walmart was amazingly organized and calm. They had carts filled with flashlights and propane tanks at the front of the store with employees manning them so there wasn't a mob of people walking off with all the stuff people were there for. After that I took a 2+ hour nap. Drained.
Today being such a great day I am starting to feel that excitement about getting this done before I actually did get it done and questioned myself every day after. I haven't dared to try on real clothes yet, I know they won't fit right because of the swelling and the binder. I don't know if I will have lost a size or what but I am hopeful that fall shopping will be different this year. I'm hoping to be able to wear things I wouldn't have before with the gut always in the way. Even though my big b-day fete is 6 weeks away it's NEVER too early to look for just the right outfit. ;) I lurve this dress so I ordered it. If the swelling is down by then I'm thinking I may be able to pull it off. We'll see!
I met Chris and her son at the shore and her and Bill went for a run while I sat by the water. Just sitting outside and getting some sea air felt wonderful. When they were done we went out for breakfast. It was SO what I needed. Chris said she can already see a big difference. My perspective is so skewed because I feel bulky from the binder and dressings underneath. I'm flat but I'm swollen. I have no shape still because the skin down to my belly button is stretched so tight it's flat but not in the flat-you-can-see-ab-muscles way, just flat until the skin forgives me enough to start molding back into a shape.
We had a great time, albeit too short as it always seems to be when we get together. Sitting outside on a beautiful day (the last for a few days with the hurricane coming) eating a great breakfast with my dear friend, her adorable son, and my great husband made me feel like "Okay, life is getting back to normal. Things are going to be fine." It was a fantastic feeling. Something that 9 days of pain, anxiety, sleeplessness, depression, and doubt made me appreciate all the more.
And, being the amazing person she is, she brought me home-made chicken soup which was INCREDIBLE and so thoughtful. I felt so loved. It was a great, GREAT morning.
After that B began hurricane preparations. For the most part I'm not worried about the storm but then I see that scary satellite picture and wonder how bad it's going to be. I'm on a hill so I don't expect flooding but I am surrounded by tons and tons of trees. What can I do though? If something is going to happen it's going to happen. B took out all our patio furniture and I hope he knows it's going right back after the storm because the best days of sitting on the deck are yet to come in September and October. The deck looks so empty!
We went to Walmart and that outing wasn't nearly as satisfying as the morning. I get really, really tired by mid-day. You can tell just by how I walk, I'm more upright in the morning, I'm practically hunched over by mid-day. I also try to take just 2 pills for pain now, one when I get up and one around 6 when the burning feeling sets in. We got some provisions and Walmart was amazingly organized and calm. They had carts filled with flashlights and propane tanks at the front of the store with employees manning them so there wasn't a mob of people walking off with all the stuff people were there for. After that I took a 2+ hour nap. Drained.
Today being such a great day I am starting to feel that excitement about getting this done before I actually did get it done and questioned myself every day after. I haven't dared to try on real clothes yet, I know they won't fit right because of the swelling and the binder. I don't know if I will have lost a size or what but I am hopeful that fall shopping will be different this year. I'm hoping to be able to wear things I wouldn't have before with the gut always in the way. Even though my big b-day fete is 6 weeks away it's NEVER too early to look for just the right outfit. ;) I lurve this dress so I ordered it. If the swelling is down by then I'm thinking I may be able to pull it off. We'll see!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Bust a gut
Yesterday I felt like I finally tuned a corner. Physically: doing well. Mentally: feeling better about the whole thing. Took a look in the mirror without the dressings and saw potential. Things were good.
I've coughed a few times since the surgery and when I knew it was coming and couldn't stop it I would hold my stomach and make it as shallow as possible. The other day my husband was making me laugh and I would get a chuckle out before I had to clutch my sides and stop. I've *felt* like I could literally bust a gut but I never thought it could really happen.
Well guess what? You can! Last night I coughed. It snuck up on me, I didn't have time to brace myself. I coughed and I felt something pop, almost like something was being unzipped underneath my skin. I freaked the F out. It didn't hurt. It burned a little but there wasn't any pain. I called the surgeon right away and the doctor on duty called me back within 10 minutes. He wasn't alarmed, he said if my drain suddenly started getting dark fluid or the output increased significantly to call back but otherwise even if I popped a few stitches it's not like they would go back in and fix them. As long as the outside was holding together that was the important thing.
It was a stressful night. I was terrified I was A) bleeding to death and B) had screwed up my surgery. Thankfully, I had friends to calm me down.
The drain was fine, it was the exact same amount of fluid all night as it had been the day before. The color is the same. My outer incisions are fine. I seem to be holding together. I have another follow-up on Monday and we'll talk about this, of course, but I have to believe in the history anyone -- man or woman -- who has had a tummy tuck no one ever popped a stitch or 2 sneezing, coughing, farting, or whatever. I was 8 days out at that point and the stitches under my skin are dissolvable so maybe they were on their way out anyway? Who knows. I look actually like I'm making some healing progress on the outside so I would think I'm healing internally too. This whole process has been and will remain a mystery to me.
I got a package today from my dear friend Chris (who also helped me calm down last night). She was the one who asked me what my goal was and I told her to wear jeans with a belt. Guess what she sent? I love it!!
Right now I can't imagine getting out of sweatpants or sleep shorts but when the swelling does subside and I attempt regular clothes for the first time, I cannot wait to wear it. "Don't dream it, be it." I don't know if she knows this but that's a line from my favorite song from Rocky Horror. I put it on my playlist during my NYC training and I always loved that part. Don't dream it, be it. Awesome.
In other exciting news, I got an email today -- Blog Fairy is ready to start working on my new layout! Decisions! Decisions! Also, I sold my 7th auction on eBay so operation Louis V Phase I is complete. Now I start working on funding a matching wallet. Why not? Apparently I have good crap to sell!
I've coughed a few times since the surgery and when I knew it was coming and couldn't stop it I would hold my stomach and make it as shallow as possible. The other day my husband was making me laugh and I would get a chuckle out before I had to clutch my sides and stop. I've *felt* like I could literally bust a gut but I never thought it could really happen.
Well guess what? You can! Last night I coughed. It snuck up on me, I didn't have time to brace myself. I coughed and I felt something pop, almost like something was being unzipped underneath my skin. I freaked the F out. It didn't hurt. It burned a little but there wasn't any pain. I called the surgeon right away and the doctor on duty called me back within 10 minutes. He wasn't alarmed, he said if my drain suddenly started getting dark fluid or the output increased significantly to call back but otherwise even if I popped a few stitches it's not like they would go back in and fix them. As long as the outside was holding together that was the important thing.
It was a stressful night. I was terrified I was A) bleeding to death and B) had screwed up my surgery. Thankfully, I had friends to calm me down.
The drain was fine, it was the exact same amount of fluid all night as it had been the day before. The color is the same. My outer incisions are fine. I seem to be holding together. I have another follow-up on Monday and we'll talk about this, of course, but I have to believe in the history anyone -- man or woman -- who has had a tummy tuck no one ever popped a stitch or 2 sneezing, coughing, farting, or whatever. I was 8 days out at that point and the stitches under my skin are dissolvable so maybe they were on their way out anyway? Who knows. I look actually like I'm making some healing progress on the outside so I would think I'm healing internally too. This whole process has been and will remain a mystery to me.
I got a package today from my dear friend Chris (who also helped me calm down last night). She was the one who asked me what my goal was and I told her to wear jeans with a belt. Guess what she sent? I love it!!
Right now I can't imagine getting out of sweatpants or sleep shorts but when the swelling does subside and I attempt regular clothes for the first time, I cannot wait to wear it. "Don't dream it, be it." I don't know if she knows this but that's a line from my favorite song from Rocky Horror. I put it on my playlist during my NYC training and I always loved that part. Don't dream it, be it. Awesome.
In other exciting news, I got an email today -- Blog Fairy is ready to start working on my new layout! Decisions! Decisions! Also, I sold my 7th auction on eBay so operation Louis V Phase I is complete. Now I start working on funding a matching wallet. Why not? Apparently I have good crap to sell!
Monday, August 22, 2011
A lot of thankfulness to be had
I don't like text heavy blogs because, you know, who wants to go blind from me yammering without at least a picture of something to break it up. Lately I don't have much to photograph though -- me lying on the couch, me lying in bed, me hunched over sitting semi-upright looking green -- not really interesting. And let's not even consider posting pictures of the "work." I love horror movies but I'm not subjecting anyone to that mess.
Today I have a little visual interest though! A cookie basket from work! How very thoughtful!
That's a lot of freaking cookies! I love the little doctor bears. Cute because it was a get well basket and also because of our industry. Nice touch.
I feel strange accepting "get well" wishes like this because I'm not sick. This was an elective procedure. Work doesn't know the details because I've always felt that less is more whenever stuff like this is concerned. They could find out easily enough and I'd be completely honest if anyone asked. No one did so I didn't volunteer. So this was very, VERY kind of them to send.
Today was a long day. I didn't fall asleep until the sun was coming up. I don't think my cat naps during the day are doing it because I'm really tired all the time, I just think night is a really hard time because I'm incredibly uncomfortable. I'm so tired of having to grab onto the bed frame behind me to pull myself up an inch. I'm SO miserable sleeping on my back like a freaking vampire. I don't know what to do with my arms so I cross them over my chest. I have to keep a pillow under my knees because I can't stretch out fully. So bedtime just isn't a fun time for me no matter what meds are involved.
I had my first follow-up appointment today. The surgeon took one of the drains out. I already feel better physically. The next one won't come out until next week because it's doing more of the drainage because it is placed deeper, apparently. Also, I remarked that I couldn't believe I was glued together and she told me that it's only my outer incision that is glued. I have "layers and layers" of stitches on the inside. Ick. I forgot to ask her if my belly button was newly made or if she used my old one and just reinserted it. This is a fascinating thing to me. She wasn't very chatty so I forgot to ask her the few dumb questions I had. I did ask her about my hips and she said she thought the bulging would probably go down but the way she said it it wasn't exactly a promise. She said she gave me a nice hourglass shape, which is true, I can already see my waist is smaller despite the swelling. It's just weird that my anatomy is altered to a different body shape now. I saw myself in profile in the full-length mirror (the first time I dared to look) and I'm flat, for sure. That was the goal. It's less than a week, I'm trying not to get upset because I don't look exactly how I'm going to look. I don't know what reshaping I'll be doing on my own with Xfit once I'm back at it. I remember telling my friend that my goal was to look good in jeans - flat stomach and a big butt. The surgeon sure as hell didn't alter my ass so I think that goal was achieved. This is just all so weird for me, getting used to a new body shape that didn't occur gradually after day-in and day-out of work. I have seen a reshaping of my upper body but I saw the progression of what it took to get there: the first time I saw a bicep bulge, the first time I saw the line between the delt and the bicep, etc. And the bottom line is, whatever I am or am not used to today may look different in 6 months anyway. I've never really hated anything on my face enough that I wanted to get plastic surgery but I don't think I could handle it, I really don't. I think I can look great in jeans now even if I never wear a bikini (not the intent of this procedure but I sure wouldn't complain if it were a side effect). If I hated a new nose or new lips and had to look at it every day what would I do?
Fascinating. This mental process is fascinating. I feel like pre- and post-op counseling should be part of the package because it can easily deteriorate from "dream come true" to "if only..."
I discovered another thing about myself this morning that was brought upon by a bad mood and crappy sleep: I'm not very bright. I was in the waiting room getting pissed looking at all the people sitting around me for consultations or follow-ups and it seemed like everyone was talking about insurance but me. I thought, am I the only f*cking idiot that paid for this myself? Should I have spent months and months fighting the insurance company to get this done? I was getting in a progressively pissy mood as my appointment got later and later. A woman sitting across from me saw me hold my stomach as I moved in my seat and asked me how I was doing. I chatted with her assuming she was getting something cosmetic done and she started to cry. Yes, she was seeing a plastic surgeon but it was in conjunction with treatment at Smilow cancer center. I thought, well I'm as stupid as they come. Not everyone is here for a tummy tuck, there are people with real problems. It was kind of like that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry makes fun of a dermatologist as Pimple Popper, MD and then finds out she saved someone who had melanoma. Yeah. So a little hip bulge in my new "hourglass" figure? Not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things.
Today I have a little visual interest though! A cookie basket from work! How very thoughtful!
That's a lot of freaking cookies! I love the little doctor bears. Cute because it was a get well basket and also because of our industry. Nice touch.
I feel strange accepting "get well" wishes like this because I'm not sick. This was an elective procedure. Work doesn't know the details because I've always felt that less is more whenever stuff like this is concerned. They could find out easily enough and I'd be completely honest if anyone asked. No one did so I didn't volunteer. So this was very, VERY kind of them to send.
Today was a long day. I didn't fall asleep until the sun was coming up. I don't think my cat naps during the day are doing it because I'm really tired all the time, I just think night is a really hard time because I'm incredibly uncomfortable. I'm so tired of having to grab onto the bed frame behind me to pull myself up an inch. I'm SO miserable sleeping on my back like a freaking vampire. I don't know what to do with my arms so I cross them over my chest. I have to keep a pillow under my knees because I can't stretch out fully. So bedtime just isn't a fun time for me no matter what meds are involved.
I had my first follow-up appointment today. The surgeon took one of the drains out. I already feel better physically. The next one won't come out until next week because it's doing more of the drainage because it is placed deeper, apparently. Also, I remarked that I couldn't believe I was glued together and she told me that it's only my outer incision that is glued. I have "layers and layers" of stitches on the inside. Ick. I forgot to ask her if my belly button was newly made or if she used my old one and just reinserted it. This is a fascinating thing to me. She wasn't very chatty so I forgot to ask her the few dumb questions I had. I did ask her about my hips and she said she thought the bulging would probably go down but the way she said it it wasn't exactly a promise. She said she gave me a nice hourglass shape, which is true, I can already see my waist is smaller despite the swelling. It's just weird that my anatomy is altered to a different body shape now. I saw myself in profile in the full-length mirror (the first time I dared to look) and I'm flat, for sure. That was the goal. It's less than a week, I'm trying not to get upset because I don't look exactly how I'm going to look. I don't know what reshaping I'll be doing on my own with Xfit once I'm back at it. I remember telling my friend that my goal was to look good in jeans - flat stomach and a big butt. The surgeon sure as hell didn't alter my ass so I think that goal was achieved. This is just all so weird for me, getting used to a new body shape that didn't occur gradually after day-in and day-out of work. I have seen a reshaping of my upper body but I saw the progression of what it took to get there: the first time I saw a bicep bulge, the first time I saw the line between the delt and the bicep, etc. And the bottom line is, whatever I am or am not used to today may look different in 6 months anyway. I've never really hated anything on my face enough that I wanted to get plastic surgery but I don't think I could handle it, I really don't. I think I can look great in jeans now even if I never wear a bikini (not the intent of this procedure but I sure wouldn't complain if it were a side effect). If I hated a new nose or new lips and had to look at it every day what would I do?
Fascinating. This mental process is fascinating. I feel like pre- and post-op counseling should be part of the package because it can easily deteriorate from "dream come true" to "if only..."
I discovered another thing about myself this morning that was brought upon by a bad mood and crappy sleep: I'm not very bright. I was in the waiting room getting pissed looking at all the people sitting around me for consultations or follow-ups and it seemed like everyone was talking about insurance but me. I thought, am I the only f*cking idiot that paid for this myself? Should I have spent months and months fighting the insurance company to get this done? I was getting in a progressively pissy mood as my appointment got later and later. A woman sitting across from me saw me hold my stomach as I moved in my seat and asked me how I was doing. I chatted with her assuming she was getting something cosmetic done and she started to cry. Yes, she was seeing a plastic surgeon but it was in conjunction with treatment at Smilow cancer center. I thought, well I'm as stupid as they come. Not everyone is here for a tummy tuck, there are people with real problems. It was kind of like that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry makes fun of a dermatologist as Pimple Popper, MD and then finds out she saved someone who had melanoma. Yeah. So a little hip bulge in my new "hourglass" figure? Not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Coming to my senses
Today was a better day. I didn't fall asleep until 3:30ish so I slept later but when I got up my drains were good and I was stiff from not moving but not in horrible pain. I took some pain meds when I got up but I lasted until 5pm before taking another one. I didn't take Valium for the muscle soreness but I'll take one before bed. The antibiotic horse pills are killing me though. They get stuck every time and my stomach (the inside one) hurts. I'll be happy when that bottle is done.
My parents came over today. It was a good visit but I was exhausted after even from just 2 hours. I took a nap after but let's be honest, I'd take a 2-hour nap on a Sunday anyway. I did a reveal of my stomach (the outside one) for my mom and she said it looked good and I needed a belly ring. Haha. She was more pleased that there was no redness at all from infection. It was a quick glance though, it is pretty hideous to look at so we changed the dressings and sealed me back up in the binder.
I had a great chat with my dear friend tonight. That boosted me spirits a lot and I'm going to meet her on Friday while -- get this -- she and my husband do a run and then we all go out for breakfast. That's awesome! I think the best way for me to stay in the game with fitness is to keep it a part of my life even while I'm recovering. Just because I can't run I am thrilled my husband and friend will do it anyway. My xfit is hosting a benefit WOD on the 3rd called 31 Heroes and even though I won't be able to do it I signed up to support the cause and I'll go and be the photographer. The door is and will remain open to me there. I'm the only one who can shut it by feeling sorry for myself, convincing myself I've lost too much time and can't recover for my fall events, and turning my back on the support system I've been lucky enough to develop. When I go back I'll be slow, I won't be lifting heavy, and I'll have to modify some moves again but it's not going to matter. My place in the community was never contingent on whether I could RX a WOD or not. Talking with Chris made me realize that.
Tomorrow is my first follow up. I know it's too soon to see how I'm going to turn out but I'd really like not to hear "Wow. I really botched that one up, huh?" when she looks at me. After that I have to mail out my first completed auction! It ended 7 days early with buy-it-now. I wish I had better crap to sell!!
My parents came over today. It was a good visit but I was exhausted after even from just 2 hours. I took a nap after but let's be honest, I'd take a 2-hour nap on a Sunday anyway. I did a reveal of my stomach (the outside one) for my mom and she said it looked good and I needed a belly ring. Haha. She was more pleased that there was no redness at all from infection. It was a quick glance though, it is pretty hideous to look at so we changed the dressings and sealed me back up in the binder.
I had a great chat with my dear friend tonight. That boosted me spirits a lot and I'm going to meet her on Friday while -- get this -- she and my husband do a run and then we all go out for breakfast. That's awesome! I think the best way for me to stay in the game with fitness is to keep it a part of my life even while I'm recovering. Just because I can't run I am thrilled my husband and friend will do it anyway. My xfit is hosting a benefit WOD on the 3rd called 31 Heroes and even though I won't be able to do it I signed up to support the cause and I'll go and be the photographer. The door is and will remain open to me there. I'm the only one who can shut it by feeling sorry for myself, convincing myself I've lost too much time and can't recover for my fall events, and turning my back on the support system I've been lucky enough to develop. When I go back I'll be slow, I won't be lifting heavy, and I'll have to modify some moves again but it's not going to matter. My place in the community was never contingent on whether I could RX a WOD or not. Talking with Chris made me realize that.
Tomorrow is my first follow up. I know it's too soon to see how I'm going to turn out but I'd really like not to hear "Wow. I really botched that one up, huh?" when she looks at me. After that I have to mail out my first completed auction! It ended 7 days early with buy-it-now. I wish I had better crap to sell!!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Onions make me cry
I've reached the depression stage of healing. I'm tired of being tired. Sick of being sore. I have to empty my drains 3 times a day and even though I know the repercussions of not doing so I don't want to deal with it any more. I feel more swollen today than before but that's normal apparently. When I lift up the binder to get at the drains I see all the glue holding me together and the ugly stitches keeping the drains secure and I am depressed that I mutilated myself so hideously.
These are all fairly normal post-op feelings. It's not like walking into a salon and walking out with a great new 'do. It will be weeks before I'll get a true idea of what I will look like. It will be months before I'm 100% healed although life should be back to normal 4 to 6 weeks out. Right now I'm not seeing the benefit. I only feel the discomfort and let-down. Again, all normal so I've read. I've put my body through an enormous strain. My mind isn't that resolute that I'm immune to the feelings that accompany this.
I can't forget that this process in itself was emotional, regardless of post-surgical fatigue and melancholy. All the fluctuations of excitement, fear, and uncertainty certainly play a part in my mood now.
I started the day off well: I woke up with 10ml less fluid in each drain than I had been getting. The sun was out so I laid in my deck chair (which is the perfect angle for how I'm supposed to be reclining) and when I started to get sweaty I had husband help me wash my hair. I could have done yesterday but I had neither the energy nor need for clean hair when I planned on staying in bed all day. It was when I undid the binder that I felt the depression kick in. I noticed bulges in my hip area that looked awful to me. Instead of saying to myself a) they weren't there the other day so it's probably swelling and b) that's exactly where the drains are so -- again -- probably swelling, I thought I looked horrible and that this was for nothing. I looked it up online and nearly everything I read said it takes months, even up to a year, for the body to settle into its new positioning. Of course the one post that really stuck with me was the woman who said it was a waste of money, how unhappy she was, how she had revision surgery and was unhappy with that too. I thought: is that going to be me? Did I just peel back the first layer of an onion and I'm going to keep peeling and peeling until there is nothing left of me?
I would *hope* that my surgeon's plan was to give me the best results possible, not make me develop a new body issue. In this state of mind I am afraid of my follow up visit and hearing her say that it wasn't going to look any better. What would I do? It's really not like going to a salon. If I hate the color the stylist redyes it. If I hate the cut it grows out. This is my body here. I have permanently altered it. There isn't any going back.
Today was a better day physically. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day mentally. I miss my friends. I miss working out. I don't like feeling like a blob with no shape hunched over when I walk because I'm not supposed to strain the incisions by standing fully upright. I lived in sweatpants and boxy men's t-shirts for years. Maybe my wardrobe is bringing up those feelings which is ironic because supposedly underneath the frumpy exterior I have a snazzy new shape.
I don't mean to whine every day. I'm just being honest about the recovery process and the feelings that have come up throughout it. I'd be worse off if I didn't try to acknowledge how I'm feeling or the possible reasons behind it. This was a running blog a year ago. It's so much more to me now (and in think after months and months on the waiting list, 6 I think) I'll have a new template soon (still 2 more people ahead of me) that reflects my life rather than that one race. Can't wait!
In non-surgical, non-bodycentric news, I started listing some stuff on eBay. I have so many things I don't use and I really want a LV bag so I have a few auctions going on. Out with the old, hopefully in with a new! I just can't justify the cost of an LV bag but if I were, in essence, trading bags I don't use anymore then it would kind of be free, right? And it's always good to clear out clutter so I'm doing my husband a favor too. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. ;) I have over a week left on the auctions I have up and I'll be posting more. Let's see if my wheeling and dealing pays off!
These are all fairly normal post-op feelings. It's not like walking into a salon and walking out with a great new 'do. It will be weeks before I'll get a true idea of what I will look like. It will be months before I'm 100% healed although life should be back to normal 4 to 6 weeks out. Right now I'm not seeing the benefit. I only feel the discomfort and let-down. Again, all normal so I've read. I've put my body through an enormous strain. My mind isn't that resolute that I'm immune to the feelings that accompany this.
I can't forget that this process in itself was emotional, regardless of post-surgical fatigue and melancholy. All the fluctuations of excitement, fear, and uncertainty certainly play a part in my mood now.
I started the day off well: I woke up with 10ml less fluid in each drain than I had been getting. The sun was out so I laid in my deck chair (which is the perfect angle for how I'm supposed to be reclining) and when I started to get sweaty I had husband help me wash my hair. I could have done yesterday but I had neither the energy nor need for clean hair when I planned on staying in bed all day. It was when I undid the binder that I felt the depression kick in. I noticed bulges in my hip area that looked awful to me. Instead of saying to myself a) they weren't there the other day so it's probably swelling and b) that's exactly where the drains are so -- again -- probably swelling, I thought I looked horrible and that this was for nothing. I looked it up online and nearly everything I read said it takes months, even up to a year, for the body to settle into its new positioning. Of course the one post that really stuck with me was the woman who said it was a waste of money, how unhappy she was, how she had revision surgery and was unhappy with that too. I thought: is that going to be me? Did I just peel back the first layer of an onion and I'm going to keep peeling and peeling until there is nothing left of me?
I would *hope* that my surgeon's plan was to give me the best results possible, not make me develop a new body issue. In this state of mind I am afraid of my follow up visit and hearing her say that it wasn't going to look any better. What would I do? It's really not like going to a salon. If I hate the color the stylist redyes it. If I hate the cut it grows out. This is my body here. I have permanently altered it. There isn't any going back.
Today was a better day physically. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day mentally. I miss my friends. I miss working out. I don't like feeling like a blob with no shape hunched over when I walk because I'm not supposed to strain the incisions by standing fully upright. I lived in sweatpants and boxy men's t-shirts for years. Maybe my wardrobe is bringing up those feelings which is ironic because supposedly underneath the frumpy exterior I have a snazzy new shape.
I don't mean to whine every day. I'm just being honest about the recovery process and the feelings that have come up throughout it. I'd be worse off if I didn't try to acknowledge how I'm feeling or the possible reasons behind it. This was a running blog a year ago. It's so much more to me now (and in think after months and months on the waiting list, 6 I think) I'll have a new template soon (still 2 more people ahead of me) that reflects my life rather than that one race. Can't wait!
In non-surgical, non-bodycentric news, I started listing some stuff on eBay. I have so many things I don't use and I really want a LV bag so I have a few auctions going on. Out with the old, hopefully in with a new! I just can't justify the cost of an LV bag but if I were, in essence, trading bags I don't use anymore then it would kind of be free, right? And it's always good to clear out clutter so I'm doing my husband a favor too. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. ;) I have over a week left on the auctions I have up and I'll be posting more. Let's see if my wheeling and dealing pays off!
Friday, August 19, 2011
Oof
Today was the worst yet. I think Wednesday went okay because I was so happy to have made it through surgery and I was on great drugs. Thursday was good because I came home. Today was just rough. I almost fainted emptying my drains this morning. That's how the day started. I was queasy most of the day but as soon as I started drinking more fluids I seemed to feel better.
Pain is considerable. I read on my discharge papers that it's normal to have more swelling a few days after so I think I'm at that point where my body is over the initial shock and working hard to heal.
I'm hoping to turn a corner tomorrow. My husband has been taking great care of me but I think it's freaking him out to see me so incapacitated. He's stressed out, I can tell. Later in the day he commented that I had color back in my face. I guess he was quietly watching and worrying when I wasn't looking so great in the morning.
I think today was the closest I've felt to second guessing having this done. I know this will pass and I'll be happy I did it. Today wasca challenge though. I hope I sleep well and tomorrow is a better day.
Pain is considerable. I read on my discharge papers that it's normal to have more swelling a few days after so I think I'm at that point where my body is over the initial shock and working hard to heal.
I'm hoping to turn a corner tomorrow. My husband has been taking great care of me but I think it's freaking him out to see me so incapacitated. He's stressed out, I can tell. Later in the day he commented that I had color back in my face. I guess he was quietly watching and worrying when I wasn't looking so great in the morning.
I think today was the closest I've felt to second guessing having this done. I know this will pass and I'll be happy I did it. Today wasca challenge though. I hope I sleep well and tomorrow is a better day.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Anesthesia is a beautiful thing
Because when it fully wore off last night -- WOW! Searing pain. I have 2 kinds of pain: the burning kind where I feel like I'm ripping myself wide open with a wrong move and the muscle pain where I feel like I did 1000 sit-ups. The percosets are for the burning pain, the Valium is for the muscles. They aren't timed together though so in a 6-hour period there's about an hour where I'm comfortable.
I did get to see the "work" today before I was discharged. WOW for a different reason. I'm swollen but I think I'm going to be really happy with the results. The nurse who unwrapped me was impressed. They were all so nice and really happy for me. What a cool feeling.
With my discharge papers was this card of all the names of everyone from surgery. What a nice touch!
I ate, got some sleep, and am hanging out with my amazing hubby and dogs. Daisy doesn't understand why she can't jump on me but we seem to have reached a happy medium where she is pressed up against my side without hurting me.
Hopefully I'll feel a little stronger tomorrow.
I did get to see the "work" today before I was discharged. WOW for a different reason. I'm swollen but I think I'm going to be really happy with the results. The nurse who unwrapped me was impressed. They were all so nice and really happy for me. What a cool feeling.
With my discharge papers was this card of all the names of everyone from surgery. What a nice touch!
I ate, got some sleep, and am hanging out with my amazing hubby and dogs. Daisy doesn't understand why she can't jump on me but we seem to have reached a happy medium where she is pressed up against my side without hurting me.
Hopefully I'll feel a little stronger tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I'm alive and well!
Consensus was I did great in surgery although I clearly had the easy job-- 3 freaking lbs of skin removed! Just from my lower stomach! I was packing a lot if cargo, apparently. I'm hopeful this is going to be okay. I asked her about the skin on my upper stomach and she showed me it gets stretched alllllllllll the way down to my old belly button. Wild!
Everyone has been wonderful, I was in great care starting with admission to anesthesia and continuing on with all the nurses. the surgeon is so kind. I wish I had taken a picture of my stomach when she marked it up. Just like on tv! I'll see her tmw before I'm discharged.
I'm not in a *terrible* amount of pain. It hurts to move but I've gotten up once and I'm in my own pjs now. My lips were dry before so I put on some lip gloss. People say wearing your own clothes makes you feel better. Yeah, well, so does lip gloss. ;)
Eating some dinner now. Since it's the recovery center and not the actual hospital it was delivery from a nice restaurant. Got a crab cake sandwich and carrot cake. :) Just picking at it but it beats Veg-All and jello.
Thank you for the well wishes and support! I'm so grateful to have such kind, wonderful people pulling for me.
Everyone has been wonderful, I was in great care starting with admission to anesthesia and continuing on with all the nurses. the surgeon is so kind. I wish I had taken a picture of my stomach when she marked it up. Just like on tv! I'll see her tmw before I'm discharged.
I'm not in a *terrible* amount of pain. It hurts to move but I've gotten up once and I'm in my own pjs now. My lips were dry before so I put on some lip gloss. People say wearing your own clothes makes you feel better. Yeah, well, so does lip gloss. ;)
Eating some dinner now. Since it's the recovery center and not the actual hospital it was delivery from a nice restaurant. Got a crab cake sandwich and carrot cake. :) Just picking at it but it beats Veg-All and jello.
Thank you for the well wishes and support! I'm so grateful to have such kind, wonderful people pulling for me.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Always on my mind
I've been fluctuating between losing my shit and canceling the surgery and being off-the-wall excited that I'm actually getting this done. I went looking for a picture that always sticks out when I think of the legend of Kelly Jelly Belly. It's of me around age 9 at my little cousin's birthday party. I'm wearing a tube top that no mother in her right mind today would let her daughter wear yet they were all the rage in the 70s. I have an insane look on my face waiting for my cousin to blow out his candles so we could have cake. My belly is enormous in that picture.
I couldn't find it but, oh, did I find some doozies. This whole process/situation borders on the absurd so when Willie Nelson's "Always on my mind" popped in my head I had to laugh (or I'd start crying and laughter is supposedly the best medicine). So here you have it. An absolutely ridiculous tribute to Kelly Jelly Belly. Enjoy the horrendous hair and clothes from the 70s and 80s (I started avoiding pictures in the 90s and stayed that way through most of the 00s). My weight may have gone up and down, I've been fit and I've been fat, but my whole life but the belly was always there. It was always on my mind.
Wish me luck! I hope to be blogging next from the flat and taut side of life!
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I should have
Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
I couldn't find it but, oh, did I find some doozies. This whole process/situation borders on the absurd so when Willie Nelson's "Always on my mind" popped in my head I had to laugh (or I'd start crying and laughter is supposedly the best medicine). So here you have it. An absolutely ridiculous tribute to Kelly Jelly Belly. Enjoy the horrendous hair and clothes from the 70s and 80s (I started avoiding pictures in the 90s and stayed that way through most of the 00s). My weight may have gone up and down, I've been fit and I've been fat, but my whole life but the belly was always there. It was always on my mind.
Wish me luck! I hope to be blogging next from the flat and taut side of life!
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I should have
Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Thursday, August 11, 2011
The other side of the box
As I've progressed on my fitness journey I've sometimes thought about being a trainer. I feel like I have an understanding and compassion for how it feels to start out a fitness program significantly overweight. Through my experience with athletes of all kinds and the various programs I've read and followed for running or lifting, I feel like I have a grasp of the rationale behind doing things a certain way. The science and psychology of exercise intrigues me.
I've had the pleasure of running with my husband (who is not a regular runner) and coaching him through interval training. I try to be encouraging without seeming false, I try to give motivational cues -- like being to the halfway point or having a minute left on an interval -- without interferring with his thought process of how he needs to get through his run.
It's not as easy as it seems. When I go tp Xfit I have the advantage of having worked out with all the trainers at some point so I know how incredibly fit and inspiring they are. They walk the walk. At other places you might not ever see the trainer work out though. I hate, hate, hate, HATE WITH A PASSION shows like the Biggest Loser. I know so many people find that show inspiring and I think the people themselves are but trainers like Jillian Michaels who scream and yell irk the shit out of me. I've seen them at gyms barking out commands, pushing people beyond perhaps where they should go without a lot of regard for that individual's needs. It's not just about physical limitations, it's also about that fine line where you make someone work harder for you and putting someone completely off to doing it because they feel patronized.
Everyone has their own needs of how they need to be coached. Some people respond well to the "in your face" approach. Some don't. I'd never really given it much thought how I best respond to coaching until last night. I know I'm always appreciative of the form pointers and encouragement I get at Xfit but I hadn't considered what a coach could do to make me go to the next level.
Last night we had 10 minutes before the WOD to work on our "goat." Our goat being a skill that needed improvement. I like working on skills in that setting because I'm less afraid to try out new things without the chaos of a WOD happening or with the clock ticking against me. I thought about it all day what I was going to work on and I decided that I was going to overcome a fear and move up box heights for box jumps.
When we started I dragged out the 18" box. The owner looked at me and asked me what box I normally use. I told her the baby one (the 12"). She said good, work on doing the 18. I did my first round with no problem. No stumbles. I did the next round the same. I saw her come up beside me and put the 20" box. She didn't say anything, she just smiled and pointed. I smiled back and moved over. I did rounds 4-7 on the 20" box and I was pretty freaking excited that I hadn't tripped and fallen on my face.
Just before round 8, out of the corner of my eye I saw her go behind me. I thought "she better not be doing what I think she's doing." She came out with the 24" box. I told her there was no way. She said to just try it once.
I'm 5'5" (I claim to be 5'6" when scales are involved but I'm right smack in the middle). Twenty-four inches comes almost to my mid thigh. That's imposing to stand next to thinking you have to take off with two feet from a standstill and land on top of it. When the round started I braced myself, made a move toward the box, and couldn't do it. My legs just wouldn't budge. I walked away trying to shake off the fear but it was very much there. The owner told me it was all mental and I could do it. I don't know how but I found the courage to take off but I did and landed solidly on top. The rush, I can't even describe it! I've feared box jumps for 9 months now. I just assumed I'd always be on the baby box.
I did the one and I was going to move back down to the 20" box but I felt such encouragement and strength that I felt like it would almost be an insult not to finish out on the 24" box (unless, of course, I smashed my face and needed stiches). So I did it. The rest of the rounds on the 24. I don't think I've felt so accomplished at Xfit in a very long time. Of course, I sucked ass at the actual WOD but I had already met a major goal. There will be many more rope climbs, having to modify after the 2nd last night was no big deal.
I realized that coaching is harder than it seems. You have to read every person you're training to see what is going to motivate them. Elayne, knowing me for 9 months now, took the opportunity to push me but in a way where I didn't feel scared or intimidated. She made it fun. And I succeeded! I appreciate the styles of all our trainers but for that particular skill I felt like it was just the right time and person to get me where I wanted to go.
There have been so many other "right time, right person" moments at Xfit. One of the coaches running the last lap of a WOD with me. I was so out of breath but of course I was going to give it my all. Another time I was feeling completely done halfway into the WOD and a different coach said my form looked great and I instantly felt stronger. I can truly say I've benefitted from everyone who has ever trained me at Xfit. Last night was only the most recent accomplishment that I could never have done on my own.
Elayne took this picture of me jumping the 20". So add FOUR MORE inches to that and that's what I did. This picture is more about me doing something physical, it's about trust -- trusting Elayne and trusting myself -- and overcoming fear. This was a great moment in my life.
I've had the pleasure of running with my husband (who is not a regular runner) and coaching him through interval training. I try to be encouraging without seeming false, I try to give motivational cues -- like being to the halfway point or having a minute left on an interval -- without interferring with his thought process of how he needs to get through his run.
It's not as easy as it seems. When I go tp Xfit I have the advantage of having worked out with all the trainers at some point so I know how incredibly fit and inspiring they are. They walk the walk. At other places you might not ever see the trainer work out though. I hate, hate, hate, HATE WITH A PASSION shows like the Biggest Loser. I know so many people find that show inspiring and I think the people themselves are but trainers like Jillian Michaels who scream and yell irk the shit out of me. I've seen them at gyms barking out commands, pushing people beyond perhaps where they should go without a lot of regard for that individual's needs. It's not just about physical limitations, it's also about that fine line where you make someone work harder for you and putting someone completely off to doing it because they feel patronized.
Everyone has their own needs of how they need to be coached. Some people respond well to the "in your face" approach. Some don't. I'd never really given it much thought how I best respond to coaching until last night. I know I'm always appreciative of the form pointers and encouragement I get at Xfit but I hadn't considered what a coach could do to make me go to the next level.
Last night we had 10 minutes before the WOD to work on our "goat." Our goat being a skill that needed improvement. I like working on skills in that setting because I'm less afraid to try out new things without the chaos of a WOD happening or with the clock ticking against me. I thought about it all day what I was going to work on and I decided that I was going to overcome a fear and move up box heights for box jumps.
When we started I dragged out the 18" box. The owner looked at me and asked me what box I normally use. I told her the baby one (the 12"). She said good, work on doing the 18. I did my first round with no problem. No stumbles. I did the next round the same. I saw her come up beside me and put the 20" box. She didn't say anything, she just smiled and pointed. I smiled back and moved over. I did rounds 4-7 on the 20" box and I was pretty freaking excited that I hadn't tripped and fallen on my face.
Just before round 8, out of the corner of my eye I saw her go behind me. I thought "she better not be doing what I think she's doing." She came out with the 24" box. I told her there was no way. She said to just try it once.
I'm 5'5" (I claim to be 5'6" when scales are involved but I'm right smack in the middle). Twenty-four inches comes almost to my mid thigh. That's imposing to stand next to thinking you have to take off with two feet from a standstill and land on top of it. When the round started I braced myself, made a move toward the box, and couldn't do it. My legs just wouldn't budge. I walked away trying to shake off the fear but it was very much there. The owner told me it was all mental and I could do it. I don't know how but I found the courage to take off but I did and landed solidly on top. The rush, I can't even describe it! I've feared box jumps for 9 months now. I just assumed I'd always be on the baby box.
I did the one and I was going to move back down to the 20" box but I felt such encouragement and strength that I felt like it would almost be an insult not to finish out on the 24" box (unless, of course, I smashed my face and needed stiches). So I did it. The rest of the rounds on the 24. I don't think I've felt so accomplished at Xfit in a very long time. Of course, I sucked ass at the actual WOD but I had already met a major goal. There will be many more rope climbs, having to modify after the 2nd last night was no big deal.
I realized that coaching is harder than it seems. You have to read every person you're training to see what is going to motivate them. Elayne, knowing me for 9 months now, took the opportunity to push me but in a way where I didn't feel scared or intimidated. She made it fun. And I succeeded! I appreciate the styles of all our trainers but for that particular skill I felt like it was just the right time and person to get me where I wanted to go.
There have been so many other "right time, right person" moments at Xfit. One of the coaches running the last lap of a WOD with me. I was so out of breath but of course I was going to give it my all. Another time I was feeling completely done halfway into the WOD and a different coach said my form looked great and I instantly felt stronger. I can truly say I've benefitted from everyone who has ever trained me at Xfit. Last night was only the most recent accomplishment that I could never have done on my own.
Elayne took this picture of me jumping the 20". So add FOUR MORE inches to that and that's what I did. This picture is more about me doing something physical, it's about trust -- trusting Elayne and trusting myself -- and overcoming fear. This was a great moment in my life.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Tall Tales from the Trail
I think I might switch to Wordpress for my blog because I'm on my iPad way more than my laptop and I can't upload pictures from the iPad to blogger for some reason, which is why I don't blog as much as I'd like to.
Things are going well. I'm getting back into a regular running groove and I'm liking how that feels. I did the hill course from hell on Saturday and it was solid. I took 34 seconds off per mile! That's a big jump in one week. I never stopped to walk and I took on all the hills slow and low, just the way I used to.
On Sunday I did the trail run again with the goal being to run strong and try to get my pace down a little each mile. It was thunderstorms in the morning and when I got to the trail around 1 the moisture was starting to evaporate with the sun and it was downright steamy. I was congratulating myself for doing the trail in sauna-like conditions but by the end of the run I had a lot more to congratulate myself for. Apparently (not being a nature girl I wouldn't know this), snakes enjoy that kind of steamy weather after a storm. When I got to the turnaround which is near a really cool looking swamp, I came upon this little bastard:
An anaconda! It wrapped itself around my leg and tried to pull me into the swamp. Okay, not really but when I saw it I screamed out "Jesus Christ!" and a couple walking their dog up ahead of me said "Oh, you saw it. There's another one up here." So I jogged a little further and came upon this:
A black mamba! It chased me for a quarter mile at 30 mph! Okay, not really, but I was less than happy to see it. At the point it was close to my turnaround so I went up a little further, cautiously peering in the sides of the trail and turned around. The couple asked me if I saw another one and I laughed and said no, it was just time to turn around. After I passed the anaconda and the black mamba, I saw this:
A rattlesnake! It lunged at me with its fangs bared! Okay, not really, but my nerves were sufficiently shot by that point. I made it back down the trail and was within 100 feet of my car when the 4th snake of the day wiggled right under my feet as I was mid-stride. I screamed my head off! I was so done at that point. Is it any coincidence that my route was 6.66 miles? I think not! I was fighting evil the entire time!
After the dry heaves dyed down and I recovered a bit at home. I checked my splits. Were it not for snake mile, as I'm calling it, where I took the time to do some nature photography (from a safe distance) and talk with the couple about the infestation of snakes, I achieved my goal:
All miles were consistently faster and I would have had a much better overall pace than the 11:03 were it not for snake mile. But it's okay. I perservered, not only through the intense humidity but being accosted by venomous, deadly snakes!
Tonight I am running with my husband and my dear friend before we all go out to dinner. We're also bringing her son in the jogger stroller so it will be a real group event! We're doing it on pavement, in Old Saybrook, where I'm sure there aren't much more than tiny garter snakes hiding out in rose bushes far away from where we'll be. :)
Things are going well. I'm getting back into a regular running groove and I'm liking how that feels. I did the hill course from hell on Saturday and it was solid. I took 34 seconds off per mile! That's a big jump in one week. I never stopped to walk and I took on all the hills slow and low, just the way I used to.
On Sunday I did the trail run again with the goal being to run strong and try to get my pace down a little each mile. It was thunderstorms in the morning and when I got to the trail around 1 the moisture was starting to evaporate with the sun and it was downright steamy. I was congratulating myself for doing the trail in sauna-like conditions but by the end of the run I had a lot more to congratulate myself for. Apparently (not being a nature girl I wouldn't know this), snakes enjoy that kind of steamy weather after a storm. When I got to the turnaround which is near a really cool looking swamp, I came upon this little bastard:
An anaconda! It wrapped itself around my leg and tried to pull me into the swamp. Okay, not really but when I saw it I screamed out "Jesus Christ!" and a couple walking their dog up ahead of me said "Oh, you saw it. There's another one up here." So I jogged a little further and came upon this:
A black mamba! It chased me for a quarter mile at 30 mph! Okay, not really, but I was less than happy to see it. At the point it was close to my turnaround so I went up a little further, cautiously peering in the sides of the trail and turned around. The couple asked me if I saw another one and I laughed and said no, it was just time to turn around. After I passed the anaconda and the black mamba, I saw this:
A rattlesnake! It lunged at me with its fangs bared! Okay, not really, but my nerves were sufficiently shot by that point. I made it back down the trail and was within 100 feet of my car when the 4th snake of the day wiggled right under my feet as I was mid-stride. I screamed my head off! I was so done at that point. Is it any coincidence that my route was 6.66 miles? I think not! I was fighting evil the entire time!
After the dry heaves dyed down and I recovered a bit at home. I checked my splits. Were it not for snake mile, as I'm calling it, where I took the time to do some nature photography (from a safe distance) and talk with the couple about the infestation of snakes, I achieved my goal:
All miles were consistently faster and I would have had a much better overall pace than the 11:03 were it not for snake mile. But it's okay. I perservered, not only through the intense humidity but being accosted by venomous, deadly snakes!
Tonight I am running with my husband and my dear friend before we all go out to dinner. We're also bringing her son in the jogger stroller so it will be a real group event! We're doing it on pavement, in Old Saybrook, where I'm sure there aren't much more than tiny garter snakes hiding out in rose bushes far away from where we'll be. :)
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