Exercise is easier

I'm hoping to get clearance to do *something* physical when I go to the dr's tomorrow. It's been a long 3 weeks. The first week I was in so much pain that I didn't care about working out. The second week I had no power so I was depressed and bored (and still in pain) so while I thought about working out every day I still was in "eat what you want, you're recovering" mode.

This is my third-going-into-fourth week. Now is when my body isn't burning as much to heal, any residual effects of developing a good metabolism is probably disappearing, so I've come to the proverbial fork in the road: keep eating crap or cut back on calories to offset the lack of exercise.

When we chucked the fridge and freezer after the hurricane I only bought healthy things. It was hard to do, given the steady diet of candy and Chinese I lived on during hurricane week. And really, when you're standing in a grocery store surrounded by chips and ice cream, who really wants to say no? Not me.

In my regular life I eat fairly healthy. I have my indulgences but I enjoy them. I don't weigh myself a lot, I go by my clothing. I obsessed over food and points and all that tedious shit for so long, I don't make it the focus of my life now. I did -- both times I lost 100 lbs -- the first time with WW and the second time on a high protein diet using daily plate. I tracked everything down to measuring how much milk I put in my coffee. It's a drag. I hated it but I was seeing results week after week. When I got to my goal weight I tried to keep up with it but there doesn't seem to be the same incentive to be just as diligent but only see no change on the scale. So I stopped. I also joined xfit and I could see in pictures and in my clothes that whatever I was doing was working.

Truth be told, I could and maybe should lose 10 more lbs which would mean cracking down on my diet again. I always have this inner battle with myself: bust my ass and lose 10 more lbs and white knuckle my way through every day trying to stay there or be thrilled I've lost the weight (again) and have maintained it for over a year now. For the first time in my life I can eat something "bad" and A) not beat myself up for being a failure and B) not let it put me into a food frenzy that doesn't end. I've been in a good place with this. Maybe I'm going easy on myself by not losing 10 more lbs, maybe it's that I know myself well enough to know that's putting me into a precarious mental state that I may still not be strong enough to handle. As someone who has had food issues my entire life I avoid that chaotic, scary mind space whenever I can.

But, like I said, no working out means something has to give on the other end. My recognition of such is kind of a victory in itself. If I had a good track record of putting the breaks on I wouldn't have gained 100 lbs TWICE. The last few days have been good, egg whites or a scrambeled egg in the morning, turkey rollups, meatballs, Greek yogurt throughout the day -- my high protein go-tos that served me well this last time. It's like detoxing though. I miss grabbing a handful of Swedish fish or cheese popcorn. It's hard to eat healthy. It's not natural for me (and a lot of people) but I'm not going back to where I was and why would I have put myself through this hell of the abdominoplasty to get fat? Today I weighed myself and I'm 8 lbs lighter than when I went into the hospital. Three of which the surgeon removed for me. Some may be muscle loss. At least it isn't a gain. I have hope that once the swelling is gone I will be able to fit into regular clothes again.

I'm glad I seem to be able to reign it in when I have to but I would much prefer to be able to work out. It gives me so much more insurance in maintaining my weight. Not only that it makes me feel good. It gives me an opportunity every single day to better myself. Counting protein and carb grams doesn't quite have the same effect.

I hope to have a much rosier outlook tomorrow once the drain is out and it won't be from the percosets either.