You can't always get what you want

I'm going to be insightful and start out by saying that when I don't sleep the whole day is shit. I was up every half hour last night. For some reason the house was baking hot and once I was up and sweaty there was no restful sleep to be had. When I woke up I was already in a rotten mood and my first thought was "Today is 4 weeks."

I don't know what I expected. Probably nothing. I was looking for a reason to be depressed and miserable. I looked at myself in the mirror, saw the same swelling I've seen for the last 4 weeks, and let my mood go completely black. I did something I've only done one other time in 5 years: I called my husband at work. I haven't seen him since Monday but it feels like it's been forever. As soon as I heard his voice I started crying. I told him how unhappy I was and how I hated what I looked like. I told him how sorry I was for putting us through this and how ashamed and embarrassed I am about all of this. God bless him for saying all the right things. He told me it's only 4 weeks and it will take a long time for everything to adjust itself. He told me once I go back to Xfit that will make a huge difference too. He told me not to worry and we'll deal with this no matter what. My biggest fear is that I'll wait the year, I'll never be happy with the results, and I either spend another fortune on more surgery (risking more disappointing results and putting myself through the trauma of another procedure) or live the rest of my life with regret. My husband is very calming and while I did feel better after talking to him I was still just so upset and depressed.

I don't know if I believe in karma because there seem to be a lot of shitty people living great lives but I do think that sometimes you get what you need. I had already planned to have lunch with my friend who has been my sounding board through this whole process. I didn't want it to be another conversation about this but I ended up telling her about how I felt. She's so rational and objective. We talked about how 4 weeks off from working out, which has been my salvation for the last 2 years, is effecting my emotions. We talked about that definition of "normal" that has been a barrier for me: my "normal" vs the normal "normal." And, like Bill, she reminded me that it's only 4 weeks. One week (which I've blocked out since it was so awful) was hurricane survival week that caused me so much stress and I know set my healing back a week.

Rationally, I know these things but thank goodness I have people I love and trust to remind me. The other thing I love about my friend is that she would tell me things straight up. I am wearing jeans today. They're super low cut so they fit because they don't have to go over my waist. But they're jeans. And that's kind of normal. So, being the good, straight-shooter friend she is, she looked at me and said that I told her I wanted to look good in jeans and, from her perspective, I looked great. She said looking at me she'd get it done tomorrow. She asked (in that sensitive good friend way) if my disappointment was that my expectation really was more than I had initially said. I think that's probably a lot of it. Yes, I truly wanted to look good in clothes and not feel like I always had a gut hanging out. But when you go through this you can't help but think you might end up with even more.

It was a good conversation and one I needed to hear. I'm starting up with workouts again, I've done the treadmill twice this week, I'll do it tomorrow, and then my friend and I are going to do a long run on Saturday (with walk breaks -- I need them, she doesn't!). She thinks once I'm out there I'll feel so much better and I agree. Once I'm back in motion and working toward something I think a lot of the anxiety and focus on my stupid hips will go away. I'll be more concerned with mileage, pace, WODs, and all the stuff that has made me who I am today, regardless of the surgery.

After our lunch I went to Kohl's. My surgeon had told me last week that I could switch to Spanx, I haven't been to the store and I was still afraid to get rid of the binder, no matter how much I hated it. I found these:



So I bought 2. I got home, took off this wretched thing:



And I instantly felt better. Again, kind of normal.

Then I looked in the mirror, clothes on, and tried to see what my friend says she can see. I realized, swelling and all, I'm not hideous. My first "after" pictures.





A return back to running, a few weeks back at Xfit, an "event" even if it's just a 5K to feel like I'm part of something again, some more weeks of healing (and hopefully less swelling) and I might not feel the regret I do now.

I know the internet is such a reliable source of information but I read this and it made me feel a little better. Seems like 3-6 months is normal, a year is not unheard of. I am not alone in this.

So you can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.