Onions make me cry

I've reached the depression stage of healing. I'm tired of being tired. Sick of being sore. I have to empty my drains 3 times a day and even though I know the repercussions of not doing so I don't want to deal with it any more. I feel more swollen today than before but that's normal apparently. When I lift up the binder to get at the drains I see all the glue holding me together and the ugly stitches keeping the drains secure and I am depressed that I mutilated myself so hideously.

These are all fairly normal post-op feelings. It's not like walking into a salon and walking out with a great new 'do. It will be weeks before I'll get a true idea of what I will look like. It will be months before I'm 100% healed although life should be back to normal 4 to 6 weeks out. Right now I'm not seeing the benefit. I only feel the discomfort and let-down. Again, all normal so I've read. I've put my body through an enormous strain. My mind isn't that resolute that I'm immune to the feelings that accompany this.

I can't forget that this process in itself was emotional, regardless of post-surgical fatigue and melancholy. All the fluctuations of excitement, fear, and uncertainty certainly play a part in my mood now.

I started the day off well: I woke up with 10ml less fluid in each drain than I had been getting. The sun was out so I laid in my deck chair (which is the perfect angle for how I'm supposed to be reclining) and when I started to get sweaty I had husband help me wash my hair. I could have done yesterday but I had neither the energy nor need for clean hair when I planned on staying in bed all day. It was when I undid the binder that I felt the depression kick in. I noticed bulges in my hip area that looked awful to me. Instead of saying to myself a) they weren't there the other day so it's probably swelling and b) that's exactly where the drains are so -- again -- probably swelling, I thought I looked horrible and that this was for nothing. I looked it up online and nearly everything I read said it takes months, even up to a year, for the body to settle into its new positioning. Of course the one post that really stuck with me was the woman who said it was a waste of money, how unhappy she was, how she had revision surgery and was unhappy with that too. I thought: is that going to be me? Did I just peel back the first layer of an onion and I'm going to keep peeling and peeling until there is nothing left of me?

I would *hope* that my surgeon's plan was to give me the best results possible, not make me develop a new body issue. In this state of mind I am afraid of my follow up visit and hearing her say that it wasn't going to look any better. What would I do? It's really not like going to a salon. If I hate the color the stylist redyes it. If I hate the cut it grows out. This is my body here. I have permanently altered it. There isn't any going back.

Today was a better day physically. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day mentally. I miss my friends. I miss working out. I don't like feeling like a blob with no shape hunched over when I walk because I'm not supposed to strain the incisions by standing fully upright. I lived in sweatpants and boxy men's t-shirts for years. Maybe my wardrobe is bringing up those feelings which is ironic because supposedly underneath the frumpy exterior I have a snazzy new shape.

I don't mean to whine every day. I'm just being honest about the recovery process and the feelings that have come up throughout it. I'd be worse off if I didn't try to acknowledge how I'm feeling or the possible reasons behind it. This was a running blog a year ago. It's so much more to me now (and in think after months and months on the waiting list, 6 I think) I'll have a new template soon (still 2 more people ahead of me) that reflects my life rather than that one race. Can't wait!

In non-surgical, non-bodycentric news, I started listing some stuff on eBay. I have so many things I don't use and I really want a LV bag so I have a few auctions going on. Out with the old, hopefully in with a new! I just can't justify the cost of an LV bag but if I were, in essence, trading bags I don't use anymore then it would kind of be free, right? And it's always good to clear out clutter so I'm doing my husband a favor too. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. ;) I have over a week left on the auctions I have up and I'll be posting more. Let's see if my wheeling and dealing pays off!