Yesterday I went for a trail run, the first one in a long time. I had every intention of making it to Xfit but I didn't. Slept until 10:30 as a matter of fact. I didn't feel rested when I woke up though, I felt sad. I've been feeling sad a lot lately. Sleeping late is a indication of that. I find it harder and harder to face the days lately. But I made myself go to the trail and I parked in the usual line of cars along the road. All the weekend warriors, cars I recognized, some I didn't. I looked at the stickers on their cars: Ragnar Relay, 13.1, biking stickers, ultra marathon stickers -- the stickers of athletes. I have a few on my car: 26.2 and Tough Mudder. I was so proud to put those stickers on. But yesterday when I was getting out of my car I wondered if one of those other sticker owners saw me getting out they would think "Oh. She must be driving her husband's car." I don't feel like I am what I want people to think I am when they're driving behind me.
The run was tough. Why wouldn't it be? I've avoided distances like the plague. It wasn't a bust, it just showed me I have work to do again. I know it's nothing I can't do and nothing I won't do, it's just something I don't really want to do.
I thought about what it is that drives me to sign up for the next big challenge. Is it because I truly get something out of the experience? Is it because I want another medal? Another sticker on my car? Is it to prove people wrong when they see me as one thing and I can pretend to be another? Is it out of love for the sport or self-loathing?
Self loathing. Something I do every day. I look in the mirror and I don't see what those stickers on my car say I should be. I see bat wings. Saggy thighs. A gross stomach. I see someone "passing" for normal if you don't look too hard. We all have horrendous childhood stories that have scarred us for life, I always think of 1: going to summer camp for the first time and a kid jamming his finger into my stomach and telling me I was fat. I went and cried behind a tree, it hurt -- he wasn't gentle about it, but I hurt more inside. I've heard Kelly Jelly Belly more than I care to count. I know I should be over the taunts of children but that stuff stays with you, especially if you never learned to say "Fuck you, I'm better than that." I feel like all the challenges I've chased have been my way of saying that but I'm always the same person at the finish line.
I'm going to be forthcoming about this because I feel like I have nothing to hide. I have a consultation on July 25th with a plastic surgeon. I've thought about doing this for years and years -- the first time I lost weight, when I gained the weight and told myself that if I had finished out the process I wouldn't have gained it back, and when I lost it again this time. I'm looking to get abdominoplasty and possibly my thighs done. Truthfully, if she would do it all in one shot (she won't), I'd get a total overhaul: boobs, arms, stomach, thighs, butt. The recovery time would be brutal though and I have all those events coming up. Again: doing it for me or doing it to run away from me? The fact that I am even considering needing to account for training time in my cosmetic plans tells me I do actually get something out of these things but not enough, apparently. Not enough to accept me for who I am.
My husband is concerned, of course. He loves me for who I am. He's proud of my accomplishments. He'd rather I not have any surgery. But he understands how I feel about this, he has for a long time. I think he's also worried that I may end up with a flat stomach but it will just make me focus on something else I hate. I wouldn't say he'd be wrong there. I told him that if I could get my appearance to match my ability I'd have the confidence to do so much more. I said if I got this done I would train for the Xfit Open next year. Truthfully, I could train without having a flat stomach. Should CrossFit only be about being able to wear tiny shorts and knee socks? Shouldn't it be about the average person who achieved amazing things? I'm not that brave and I'm not that foolish. I know I'm using my appearance not to push myself harder to be a true athlete just as I know we would all rather look at smoking hot bodies in bra tops with ripped abs.
I've got some mental homework to do. I need to decide if this is truly about shedding my skin (literally) and emerging as the athlete I've worked so, SO hard to be or if this is chasing an ideal of perfection that I physically won't be able to reach. I need to give some hard thought to who I am and who it is I want to be. Am I the girl who can own those stickers on her car or one who is always going to let self-doubt ruin the experiences that so much work went into having.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Lonlieness of a Long Distance Runner
I've been moaning and groaning for weeks now about how not looking forward I am to going back into high mileage weeks to train for my fall/winter events. I've come to love the 20-minute WOD. When we do endurance WODs that take 45-50 minutes it feels like it's soooooooooo long. Granted, there is a difference of going all out for 50 minutes compared to a steady comfortable run but the thought of doing anything over an hour these days is just not where my head is at.
That's going to have to change. Soon. I have a 20K, a half marathon, and the GOOFY CHALLENGE all coming up (with a Tough Mudder thrown in there for good measure). Endurance is going to have to be my thing again. I am stronger, faster, and more fit than I ever have been in my life but I know I don't have the endurance I did last fall.
I was talking with 2 women from Xfit, both Ironman finishers and they said the same thing. They're in better shape now than after doing the Ironman. If that's not a huge endorsement for Xfit I don't know what is. They also agreed with me: going out and doing long training runs is so unappealing right now when we know we can get phenomenal results doing Xfit.
I'm getting ready to put together my training calendar and I was thinking about those 16-, 18-, and 20-mile runs. Ugh. Hours and hours alone on the road. When I trained for NYC I reveled in that solitude. It was a badge of honor that I did all my training alone and pounded out every mile with nothing but my own thoughts. Some days were fine, I would lose myself in the rhythym of running and the miles ticked by fairly effortlessly. Some days I felt like every step was a battle of wills. I learned to take the good runs with the bad. Even though I blogged and connected to people in that way it was still very much a lonely process.
Yesterday was the Branford Road Race. I did it last year for the first time and loved it. The course is beautiful, it's challenging but not overly hard. I did 52 minutes last year (5 miles) and I was planning on trying to get closer to 45 this year. One thing about Xfit and running, we don't go out there and do miles and miles at at time but we do fast ones. Then we go do about a hundred other things and go back out and run more. Running is part of our WODs, not our whole focus, so anything up to 5 miles doesn't really rattle me anymore.
I have a dear friend who was doing this race for the first time and I knew she was nervous. She's amazing. If I could lift half the weight she does I'd be thrilled. She went from not having run at all to doing 4 miles last week as a training run. But this wasn't her comfort zone which I totally understand because last year it wasn't mine either. I thought about what Xfit means to me, how I could never have come this far without the support and encouragement of my Xfit family. I knew I'd have way more fun doing this race with her than busting my ass alone for *maybe* a PR (maybe not). So we did it together. She was awesome, she's got the biggest heart and she never gives up. I don't know if she had as much fun as I did -- I ran through every sprinkler and waved to anyone who waved at me, something I forget to do when I'm in that "to run is to suffer" mode -- but I hope she looks back and sees it for the huge accomplishment it was. At the end I watched her pull out a huge sprint to the finish and saw the pride and joy her family had when she crossed the finish line.
One of our friends from Xfit ran the race too. She decided the night before around 10 pm that because our friend was doing it, she would too. She did it on a whim (did fantastic, btw) because Xfit makes us capable and, more importantly, makes us family.
It made me reconsider what the next 6 months of my life will be. It doesn't have to be suffering alone, being stoic about the mental and physical drain of training for a long-distance event. I realized yesterday that I know at least 4 people from Xfit, probably more, that I could text the day before a long run and ask them to meet me somewhere on my route and run a few miles with me. That idea was so foreign to me but it's beautiful. It's the cultivation of months of bonding with people over blood (sometimes literally), sweat, and tears. In the beginning I wrote a lot about how difficult it was to think of myself as part of this group of amazing athletes. Now I can't imagine doing things without them. I've always known that I wouldn't hesistate to support one of my Xfit family if they wanted some company on a training run. Now I know I can ask the same of them.
Xfit is not only redefining my body in ways I couldn't imagine, it's redefining my whole concept of what it means to be an athlete. When I signed up I was certainly hoping for the former, the latter has been an unexpected and wonderful surprise.
That's going to have to change. Soon. I have a 20K, a half marathon, and the GOOFY CHALLENGE all coming up (with a Tough Mudder thrown in there for good measure). Endurance is going to have to be my thing again. I am stronger, faster, and more fit than I ever have been in my life but I know I don't have the endurance I did last fall.
I was talking with 2 women from Xfit, both Ironman finishers and they said the same thing. They're in better shape now than after doing the Ironman. If that's not a huge endorsement for Xfit I don't know what is. They also agreed with me: going out and doing long training runs is so unappealing right now when we know we can get phenomenal results doing Xfit.
I'm getting ready to put together my training calendar and I was thinking about those 16-, 18-, and 20-mile runs. Ugh. Hours and hours alone on the road. When I trained for NYC I reveled in that solitude. It was a badge of honor that I did all my training alone and pounded out every mile with nothing but my own thoughts. Some days were fine, I would lose myself in the rhythym of running and the miles ticked by fairly effortlessly. Some days I felt like every step was a battle of wills. I learned to take the good runs with the bad. Even though I blogged and connected to people in that way it was still very much a lonely process.
Yesterday was the Branford Road Race. I did it last year for the first time and loved it. The course is beautiful, it's challenging but not overly hard. I did 52 minutes last year (5 miles) and I was planning on trying to get closer to 45 this year. One thing about Xfit and running, we don't go out there and do miles and miles at at time but we do fast ones. Then we go do about a hundred other things and go back out and run more. Running is part of our WODs, not our whole focus, so anything up to 5 miles doesn't really rattle me anymore.
I have a dear friend who was doing this race for the first time and I knew she was nervous. She's amazing. If I could lift half the weight she does I'd be thrilled. She went from not having run at all to doing 4 miles last week as a training run. But this wasn't her comfort zone which I totally understand because last year it wasn't mine either. I thought about what Xfit means to me, how I could never have come this far without the support and encouragement of my Xfit family. I knew I'd have way more fun doing this race with her than busting my ass alone for *maybe* a PR (maybe not). So we did it together. She was awesome, she's got the biggest heart and she never gives up. I don't know if she had as much fun as I did -- I ran through every sprinkler and waved to anyone who waved at me, something I forget to do when I'm in that "to run is to suffer" mode -- but I hope she looks back and sees it for the huge accomplishment it was. At the end I watched her pull out a huge sprint to the finish and saw the pride and joy her family had when she crossed the finish line.
One of our friends from Xfit ran the race too. She decided the night before around 10 pm that because our friend was doing it, she would too. She did it on a whim (did fantastic, btw) because Xfit makes us capable and, more importantly, makes us family.
It made me reconsider what the next 6 months of my life will be. It doesn't have to be suffering alone, being stoic about the mental and physical drain of training for a long-distance event. I realized yesterday that I know at least 4 people from Xfit, probably more, that I could text the day before a long run and ask them to meet me somewhere on my route and run a few miles with me. That idea was so foreign to me but it's beautiful. It's the cultivation of months of bonding with people over blood (sometimes literally), sweat, and tears. In the beginning I wrote a lot about how difficult it was to think of myself as part of this group of amazing athletes. Now I can't imagine doing things without them. I've always known that I wouldn't hesistate to support one of my Xfit family if they wanted some company on a training run. Now I know I can ask the same of them.
Xfit is not only redefining my body in ways I couldn't imagine, it's redefining my whole concept of what it means to be an athlete. When I signed up I was certainly hoping for the former, the latter has been an unexpected and wonderful surprise.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Own it
I haven't been blogging because I mostly use my iPad and I can't figure out how to save pictures from my iPhone on there. Not that I've had burning things to write about but I like checking in here because it keeps me accountable.
I had sort of a nervous breakdown last week about a silly (and it was literally silly) event that I signed up for with Xfit. It was the Gladiator Gauntlet and it was a mini obstacle run sponsored by Milford Xfit with all proceeds going to Make a Wish. When I heard about it I was psyched. Then I didn't make it onto a team because they filled up before I got myself together to get on a team so I was bummed out. Then the owner of my Xfit couldn't make it so she asked if I could sub for her so I was psyched again. Then the reality of being on a team with 3 of the best athletes at my Xfit dawned on me. And I freaked.
They are all awesome people. I went up to one of them after class one night and said that I totally understood if he wanted a different sub because I didn't want to hold them back. I can't see anyone at Xfit actually saying "yeah, stay home, you suck" because they are all so supportive and encouraging but I have that hang up of not being on the same level as the other athletes at my box. I dreaded it the whole week. I was also away in Detroit for work so that was stressing me out. I got home around 11 the night before and I truly didn't know how I was going to work up the courage to go the next morning. When I got home I checked the website and saw that we were in the last starting heat and that was it. Last. Last of the last. It was too much to deal with.
The course wasn't as hard as we all thought it would be and I actually did pretty well. I was elated when we were done because even though we were in the last heat we weren't last. My teammates checked the finish time of the other teams and we had done pretty well. I didn't hold them back, at least not that much.
This week I reflected on my anxiety a lot. I realize that I need to own it. If I want to be a part of these team events then I can't flip out every time. If I'm not as strong or as fast then I need to push harder and make myself stronger and faster. Competing means pushing myself beyond what I thought I could do and certainly beyond what's comfortable. If I'm going to sign up for these things then I need to own my weakness, figure out where I can be an asset, and do the best I can. If fear of being last is my motivator then I have to make it work for me. If being an equal with my team mates is my driver, then I need to step up my game. I choose to put myself in these situations. I choose to be a part of a group of amazing, athletes. I may never be to their level but I need to at least try. Otherwise, why bother? I could go back to working out in my basement with no pressure and watch myself stagnate and never evolve to the level of athleticism that I dream of. Own it: either deal with the competition and pressure of being part of a hardcore group or don't. But stop crying about it.
My team mates were all bad ass athletes but, in a way, I'm kind of bad ass too. At least compared to where I was 18 months ago. I need to own that too. I beat myself up because I'm not an elite like so many people are at Xfit but 18 months ago I would never have even dreamed of going to Xfit. My husband just started Xfit and I'm seeing the process through his eyes. Last night I was teaching him knees to elbows on the bar. A few people fro his on ramp class joined in and wanted to learn too. One said it was harder than she thought and I made it look easy. I just always assume everyone is better than me. I realize that we all come into these things with our own strengths and weaknesses and we grow together. My Xfit family makes me stronger and they help me build my confidence every time I enter one of these events. It's time for me to raise my game and pay them back for all they've given me so I can pay it forward.
Here's the very cool shirt from the Gladiator Gauntlet. Since I was subbing for the owner I got her size small. But I'm owning that too. ;)
I had sort of a nervous breakdown last week about a silly (and it was literally silly) event that I signed up for with Xfit. It was the Gladiator Gauntlet and it was a mini obstacle run sponsored by Milford Xfit with all proceeds going to Make a Wish. When I heard about it I was psyched. Then I didn't make it onto a team because they filled up before I got myself together to get on a team so I was bummed out. Then the owner of my Xfit couldn't make it so she asked if I could sub for her so I was psyched again. Then the reality of being on a team with 3 of the best athletes at my Xfit dawned on me. And I freaked.
They are all awesome people. I went up to one of them after class one night and said that I totally understood if he wanted a different sub because I didn't want to hold them back. I can't see anyone at Xfit actually saying "yeah, stay home, you suck" because they are all so supportive and encouraging but I have that hang up of not being on the same level as the other athletes at my box. I dreaded it the whole week. I was also away in Detroit for work so that was stressing me out. I got home around 11 the night before and I truly didn't know how I was going to work up the courage to go the next morning. When I got home I checked the website and saw that we were in the last starting heat and that was it. Last. Last of the last. It was too much to deal with.
The course wasn't as hard as we all thought it would be and I actually did pretty well. I was elated when we were done because even though we were in the last heat we weren't last. My teammates checked the finish time of the other teams and we had done pretty well. I didn't hold them back, at least not that much.
This week I reflected on my anxiety a lot. I realize that I need to own it. If I want to be a part of these team events then I can't flip out every time. If I'm not as strong or as fast then I need to push harder and make myself stronger and faster. Competing means pushing myself beyond what I thought I could do and certainly beyond what's comfortable. If I'm going to sign up for these things then I need to own my weakness, figure out where I can be an asset, and do the best I can. If fear of being last is my motivator then I have to make it work for me. If being an equal with my team mates is my driver, then I need to step up my game. I choose to put myself in these situations. I choose to be a part of a group of amazing, athletes. I may never be to their level but I need to at least try. Otherwise, why bother? I could go back to working out in my basement with no pressure and watch myself stagnate and never evolve to the level of athleticism that I dream of. Own it: either deal with the competition and pressure of being part of a hardcore group or don't. But stop crying about it.
My team mates were all bad ass athletes but, in a way, I'm kind of bad ass too. At least compared to where I was 18 months ago. I need to own that too. I beat myself up because I'm not an elite like so many people are at Xfit but 18 months ago I would never have even dreamed of going to Xfit. My husband just started Xfit and I'm seeing the process through his eyes. Last night I was teaching him knees to elbows on the bar. A few people fro his on ramp class joined in and wanted to learn too. One said it was harder than she thought and I made it look easy. I just always assume everyone is better than me. I realize that we all come into these things with our own strengths and weaknesses and we grow together. My Xfit family makes me stronger and they help me build my confidence every time I enter one of these events. It's time for me to raise my game and pay them back for all they've given me so I can pay it forward.
Here's the very cool shirt from the Gladiator Gauntlet. Since I was subbing for the owner I got her size small. But I'm owning that too. ;)
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