I'm staying at my aunt's house for the week while they're away. This is where I came to convalesce when we had no power after the hurricane. It's on the water. It's beautiful. I love staying here.
When I went into the basement today to do the treadmill I noticed this in the corner. It's always been there but now that I Xfit, I know what it is.
A GHD machine. Glute Ham Developer. I'd never tried one until I went to Xfit and I never found out how awesome it is for glutes and hamstrings but I do know that doing GHD situps will give you some seriously cut abs. I could have been hanging out all day on this thing. But I can't.
I'm in Branford. Minutes away from Shoreline CrossFit, one of the best boxes in the state. I could be hanging there all day. But I can't.
I can't even go into the hot tub or the pool because even though my incision is almost 100% filled with my luck I'd get a goddamned staph infection.
I'm still missing out on so much. And I'm still not happy with how I look. I'm still swollen. I still can't wear regular clothes. I weigh myself and I'm not gaining weight so I know it has to be swelling but WTF? It will be 4 weeks tomorrow.
I'm so over this. I'm fully admitting it, if I had to do it all over again I wouldn't. I'd save myself a shitload of money and just deal with my body the way it is. I'd have done the 20K on Labor Day. I'd be in good shape for the Hartford Half. I'd be 2 strong weeks into my Goofy Challenge program. I wouldn't be wearing a tight, uncomfortable binder that I want to set fire to but I'm even more uncomfortable when I'm not in it because I feel like it's holding me together. I know it's not, I know the tightness in my abs is staying but I am literally not comfortable in my own skin. I always said that I wasn't comfortable in my skin before because I wasn't able to see myself as fit and not fat but this is the real deal.
I was talking with someone today and they said that when their sister had a nose job it took a full year for the swelling to go down. That's a nose. This is my whole goddamned abdomen where 3 lbs of skin were removed. I am depressed. I am angry. I am feeling such regret.
I know (hope?) this will pass. I hope this is just a bad day where nothing has gone right and I am out of sorts.
I did try to get some of my life back. I did the treadmill today. I skipped the 1-minute jogging intervals and did 2 and 2, then 3 and 2, and then because I hate when things don't work out numerically, I did the last interval for 5 minutes but slower than I had done the others. I did a little better than yesterday, 3.25 miles in 45 minutes. Fantastic. That's another 10 feet of the Mudder I'll kill myself on.
On the bright side, unless everyone is a liar (and they may well be, who wants to admit they made a mistake?) the people who I know who have had tummy tucks all love theirs and have no regrets. Maybe they were faster healers. Maybe they weren't pissed about missing the Labor Day race. They all love the way they look. Maybe I'll get there too.
And that's my whine of the night. Probably more to come tomorrow.
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