Lonlieness of a Long Distance Runner

I've been moaning and groaning for weeks now about how not looking forward I am to going back into high mileage weeks to train for my fall/winter events. I've come to love the 20-minute WOD. When we do endurance WODs that take 45-50 minutes it feels like it's soooooooooo long. Granted, there is a difference of going all out for 50 minutes compared to a steady comfortable run but the thought of doing anything over an hour these days is just not where my head is at.

That's going to have to change. Soon. I have a 20K, a half marathon, and the GOOFY CHALLENGE all coming up (with a Tough Mudder thrown in there for good measure). Endurance is going to have to be my thing again. I am stronger, faster, and more fit than I ever have been in my life but I know I don't have the endurance I did last fall.

I was talking with 2 women from Xfit, both Ironman finishers and they said the same thing. They're in better shape now than after doing the Ironman. If that's not a huge endorsement for Xfit I don't know what is. They also agreed with me: going out and doing long training runs is so unappealing right now when we know we can get phenomenal results doing Xfit.

I'm getting ready to put together my training calendar and I was thinking about those 16-, 18-, and 20-mile runs. Ugh. Hours and hours alone on the road. When I trained for NYC I reveled in that solitude. It was a badge of honor that I did all my training alone and pounded out every mile with nothing but my own thoughts. Some days were fine, I would lose myself in the rhythym of running and the miles ticked by fairly effortlessly. Some days I felt like every step was a battle of wills. I learned to take the good runs with the bad. Even though I blogged and connected to people in that way it was still very much a lonely process.

Yesterday was the Branford Road Race. I did it last year for the first time and loved it. The course is beautiful, it's challenging but not overly hard. I did 52 minutes last year (5 miles) and I was planning on trying to get closer to 45 this year. One thing about Xfit and running, we don't go out there and do miles and miles at at time but we do fast ones. Then we go do about a hundred other things and go back out and run more. Running is part of our WODs, not our whole focus, so anything up to 5 miles doesn't really rattle me anymore.

I have a dear friend who was doing this race for the first time and I knew she was nervous. She's amazing. If I could lift half the weight she does I'd be thrilled. She went from not having run at all to doing 4 miles last week as a training run. But this wasn't her comfort zone which I totally understand because last year it wasn't mine either. I thought about what Xfit means to me, how I could never have come this far without the support and encouragement of my Xfit family. I knew I'd have way more fun doing this race with her than busting my ass alone for *maybe* a PR (maybe not). So we did it together. She was awesome, she's got the biggest heart and she never gives up. I don't know if she had as much fun as I did -- I ran through every sprinkler and waved to anyone who waved at me, something I forget to do when I'm in that "to run is to suffer" mode -- but I hope she looks back and sees it for the huge accomplishment it was. At the end I watched her pull out a huge sprint to the finish and saw the pride and joy her family had when she crossed the finish line.

One of our friends from Xfit ran the race too. She decided the night before around 10 pm that because our friend was doing it, she would too. She did it on a whim (did fantastic, btw) because Xfit makes us capable and, more importantly, makes us family.

It made me reconsider what the next 6 months of my life will be. It doesn't have to be suffering alone, being stoic about the mental and physical drain of training for a long-distance event. I realized yesterday that I know at least 4 people from Xfit, probably more, that I could text the day before a long run and ask them to meet me somewhere on my route and run a few miles with me. That idea was so foreign to me but it's beautiful. It's the cultivation of months of bonding with people over blood (sometimes literally), sweat, and tears. In the beginning I wrote a lot about how difficult it was to think of myself as part of this group of amazing athletes. Now I can't imagine doing things without them. I've always known that I wouldn't hesistate to support one of my Xfit family if they wanted some company on a training run. Now I know I can ask the same of them.

Xfit is not only redefining my body in ways I couldn't imagine, it's redefining my whole concept of what it means to be an athlete. When I signed up I was certainly hoping for the former, the latter has been an unexpected and wonderful surprise.

Own it

I haven't been blogging because I mostly use my iPad and I can't figure out how to save pictures from my iPhone on there. Not that I've had burning things to write about but I like checking in here because it keeps me accountable.

I had sort of a nervous breakdown last week about a silly (and it was literally silly) event that I signed up for with Xfit. It was the Gladiator Gauntlet and it was a mini obstacle run sponsored by Milford Xfit with all proceeds going to Make a Wish. When I heard about it I was psyched. Then I didn't make it onto a team because they filled up before I got myself together to get on a team so I was bummed out. Then the owner of my Xfit couldn't make it so she asked if I could sub for her so I was psyched again. Then the reality of being on a team with 3 of the best athletes at my Xfit dawned on me. And I freaked.

They are all awesome people. I went up to one of them after class one night and said that I totally understood if he wanted a different sub because I didn't want to hold them back. I can't see anyone at Xfit actually saying "yeah, stay home, you suck" because they are all so supportive and encouraging but I have that hang up of not being on the same level as the other athletes at my box. I dreaded it the whole week. I was also away in Detroit for work so that was stressing me out. I got home around 11 the night before and I truly didn't know how I was going to work up the courage to go the next morning. When I got home I checked the website and saw that we were in the last starting heat and that was it. Last. Last of the last. It was too much to deal with.

The course wasn't as hard as we all thought it would be and I actually did pretty well. I was elated when we were done because even though we were in the last heat we weren't last. My teammates checked the finish time of the other teams and we had done pretty well. I didn't hold them back, at least not that much.

This week I reflected on my anxiety a lot. I realize that I need to own it. If I want to be a part of these team events then I can't flip out every time. If I'm not as strong or as fast then I need to push harder and make myself stronger and faster. Competing means pushing myself beyond what I thought I could do and certainly beyond what's comfortable. If I'm going to sign up for these things then I need to own my weakness, figure out where I can be an asset, and do the best I can. If fear of being last is my motivator then I have to make it work for me. If being an equal with my team mates is my driver, then I need to step up my game. I choose to put myself in these situations. I choose to be a part of a group of amazing, athletes. I may never be to their level but I need to at least try. Otherwise, why bother? I could go back to working out in my basement with no pressure and watch myself stagnate and never evolve to the level of athleticism that I dream of. Own it: either deal with the competition and pressure of being part of a hardcore group or don't. But stop crying about it.

My team mates were all bad ass athletes but, in a way, I'm kind of bad ass too. At least compared to where I was 18 months ago. I need to own that too. I beat myself up because I'm not an elite like so many people are at Xfit but 18 months ago I would never have even dreamed of going to Xfit. My husband just started Xfit and I'm seeing the process through his eyes. Last night I was teaching him knees to elbows on the bar. A few people fro his on ramp class joined in and wanted to learn too. One said it was harder than she thought and I made it look easy. I just always assume everyone is better than me. I realize that we all come into these things with our own strengths and weaknesses and we grow together. My Xfit family makes me stronger and they help me build my confidence every time I enter one of these events. It's time for me to raise my game and pay them back for all they've given me so I can pay it forward.

Here's the very cool shirt from the Gladiator Gauntlet. Since I was subbing for the owner I got her size small. But I'm owning that too. ;)

Been here before, not sticking around this time

I've been quiet lately. I go through these periods where I know I have a tenuous hold on staying healthy. Maybe it's that I've been not sleeping well, maybe it's work pressures/anxieties making their way into my personal life, maybe it's an intangible that I can't identify. I just know I've been going though it but I feel like I'm ready to shake it off.

It hasn't been all bad though. I ran a 5K last weekend with my friend -- it was his first -- and not only did we persevere through wind, torrential downpours, mud (as if I didn't get enough of that the weekend before), and a slippery trail I did something I never anticipated and will probably never do again. I PLACED!!!! Third in my age group! Okay, there were only 12 people in my division but I still placed! I have an award at HMF I want to go pick up because it's the first time I've gotten a award that every other participant didn't get also. It wasn't even a PR but I think because the weather was so bad and it was the inaugural 5K there weren't the usual hardcore runners. There were 350 people though. And I placed.

I love this picture of us finishing. You can see how drenched we were. My friend did not diss me, by the way, he high-fived me as soon as he realized my hand was up. He was in his own happy groove at the moment.



As weary as I am of being in heavy, wet clothes (seriously, last weekend was just as uncomfortable as the Mudder) I am signed up for the November Tough Mudder in NJ! I'm going back in! I'm really excited because a lot of people from Xfit who didn't do it the first time are signed up, including my dear friend Chris. Check out her blog, she inspires me with her words but I'm lucky enough to see her actions at Xfit and in life. The Mudder is still so far away but it will be here before we know it. I love that it's the same time of year as the NYC Marathon. I didn't enter the lottery this year because I'm doing the Goofy Challenge in January but I know I'd feel nostalgic and maybe a little sad that I wasn't doing it again in 2011. The Mudder will knock that right out of me. :) Plus I'll be with an amazing group of people who make me laugh, boost me up, and bring out the best in me. It doesn't get any better than that.

The official video for Tough Mudder VT was posted this week. I swear I've watched it 100 times and I get pumped up every time I do.



If I need to watch it 100 MORE times to snap out of this funk, I will. I was there. I did that! And I can do it again.

Gratitude

I don't usually blog much about work but I actually have something positive to write about (I know, I'm shocked too).

All week I was kicking my ass about the Mudder. I was disappointed in myself because I wanted to be a superstar. I wanted to have bragging rights about how awesome I was and what amazing shape I'm in. When that didn't happen I had nowhere to go but in the realm of "fail."

I've spent the last 2 days with a group of hemophilia patients. You don't hear much about hemophilia these days. Medications are improved, no one -- thankfully -- is dying of acquired diseases from blood products. For the folks who survived the HIV days they are warriors. In addition to having HIV and hepatitis, they have joint damage that has crippled them. Walking up stairs is painful. Every day they can walk at all is a victory.

I forget about these things when I get so wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself. I forget that health is not something to be taken for granted. Just being able to have the ability to take on something like the Mudder is a luxury. How good or bad I was at it was largely in my control. If I had done more hill training maybe I wouldn't have cramped so badly. It was up to me how I performed that day. Not everyone has that choice.

Having this week off from working out has been enlightening. It was mainly out of necessity, I start my days at 5 am and won't finish until midnight. I actually did look to see if there was an Xfit affiliate here and there is. I won't be seeing it though and that's fine, I am surprised I'm making it through the week and this meeting as it is. Having this time away from my routine has made me miss it. It's made me feel like something is wrong that I don't have a run scheduled or a class to go to. I feel lazy and like I haven't worked out in weeks. All good things because hopefully that will make my return to the world of fitness more appreciated, especially after feeling so defeated on Saturday.

This journey I've been on -- the weight loss, the marathon, Xfit, the mudder -- it all has been incredible and something I'm fortunate to be able to do. None of it was easy and I have wanted to throw in the towel many, many times. I think as I've gotten older and have seen people I love suffer grave health problems I realize that I don't have unlimited time to get it right. There aren't a lot of second (or third) chances left. I have to make the most of what I have today.

The official Mudder pictures were finally posted. Brightroom sucked, yet again, so there were only 3 pictures of me. I dig this one though. I look all kinds of badass. When I have a crappy day I'm going to think about this. Crawling through mud, up a hill, over rocks, and under barbed wire -- and I was fortunate to have the opportunity to do it!

Have Courage

I'm feeling better about the Mudder.

It's a couple of things that have gotten me to a better place with this. I talked to my aunt today who was there as part of her Xfit crew. She said she walked up to watch one of the obstacles and even that she thought was hard on the legs. She asked me if we went higher than that and I told her we went to the top twice. The obstacle she was talking about wasn't even halfway. Where she and my uncle were standing at the start line was also where people came back down the mountain around mile 3. It took his Xfit crew about an hour to get to that point which sounds about right. When we hit the first mile marker (seriously I thought we were at least 3 in by that time) our trainer said "Well that took us 25 minutes." Everyone on our team routinely does under a 10-minute mile, many do it in 6-7 minutes. Twenty-five minutes for one mile. I can't even put the blame on myself for that one because I was feeling fine at that point. It was HARD. Plain and simple.

My aunt told me that it took their Xfit crew 5 hours. All amazing athletes, many seasoned marathoners and triathletes. She said she saw one guy who is big into the Xfit Endurance program and he looked like hell after. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked terrible. So I'm feeling like it wasn't just me ready to die out there.

Then I got a nice recap email from Tough Mudder about the weekend. I'm going to throw some stats out that blew my mind.

We covered 13,747 feet of elevation change. To put that into context, my trail run that I've been so proud of? That's a total of 980 feet of elevation change. Multiple that by almost 14 and that's what we did.

7,000 feet of that was CLIMBING. A flight of stairs is about 12 feet. With nice treads and a railing to hold onto. We climbed a total of SEVEN THOUSAND feet. In mud! At some points while they were spraying us with snowmaking hoses. I shouldn't be too surprised I had cramps. Especially wearing freezing wet clothes for hours and hours.

I'm not going to strain myself patting myself on the back but I am just now realizing how very, very hard it was. On everyone. Do I wish I performed better? Of course. And I will next time, I'll be sure of it.

The last thing, and it's probably the dumbest, that made me feel better about the Mudder came in the form of retail therapy. I bought a cute case for my iPad and after I got it home I noticed this on the zipper pull:



Have courage.

My courage was tested again and again that day. At some things I failed. At many I succeeded. I did things that day I never thought I could do. It wasn't perfect, it wasn't pretty, but I tried. And I'll have the courage to try again next time.

Tough Enough?

Here's my answer: No. I was decidely not tough enough for the Tough Mudder.

All my fears came true. It was horrible. I dragged my team down and held them back. We split up into 3 groups at one point because it was hard to stay together with 14 people once we all were wet and freezing. I feel so bad for the people who were stuck with me. I started out strong and, to be honest, I don't think any of the obstacles were more than I could handle. Xfit prepared us well for all of that. It was climbing up and down Mount Snow at least 3 full times with lots of smaller up and downs that killed me. I don't think there's any really good way to describe the incline but this gives you an idea of how high we were. Multiple times.



Around the 5 mile mark it was a shitty little obstacle that started my demise. We had to get a running start to run up a small hill made out of hay. Because my feet had either been flexed totally up from going uphill or pointed straight down from going downhill when I ran up the hay pile my right foot locked in position and I had a calf cramp that was unbelievably painful. I was screaming like a jerk. Thank god one of our guys knew what to do and he rubbed out the cramp for me. I was so embarrased.

After that we did the Walk the Plank and, of the whole rotten day, it was the only time I can say I was proud of myself. It was a rope climb (with some footholds) up to a 15-foot plank. I climb ropes all the time at Xfit so that was probably the easiest thing I did all day. When I got to the top and looked down I realized how high it was and how very, very cold the water was going to be (they said low 40s, someone today told me they were dumping snow in the ponds to make it even colder) I got really scared. It took some prompting from one of the volunteers but I jumped in and did it. When I swam out I was elated and I thought I was ready to kick ass for the rest of the course.



Five minutes later we went into another water obstacle and as soon as I hit the cold water my calf cramped up again and I almost went under. Thank God (YET AGAIN!) for my team mates. One pulled me out, the other rubbed out the cramp. Once more I was screaming like a jerk but I can't even describe how bad that pain was.

At that point I was mentally done. I was afraid of every step after that because I was sure I was going to have another cramp. I knew if I did I'd quit. We had a long way to go still and it wasn't like a race course where you could just walk off the side of the road. We were on a GD mountain. When we got to the bottom of the the major part of it I saw an EMT and went over and made them give me a banana. They had run out of bananas and Clif bars at the 2 aid stations where I could have used them. They wrapped me in a blanket because my legs were locking up probably from hypothermia and I truthfully was ready to have them bring me to the finish line and get my first "DNF." I was so conflicted. I've never quit anything before and there I was ready to drop out when my parents had made the trip to VT to see me finish. I cried for awhile, the EMTs could give a shit and clearly wanted me to either get on a bus or get going. Then I saw my teammates (the ones I had held back for hours) finish one of the obstacles and I knew I had to finish with them. It would have been the worst thing I could do to hold them back for so long and then not finish.

I did feel better after eating the banana and I wonder if I had done it earlier if I could have avoided the cramps. I did not feel like I couldn't have gone on endurance-wise or strength-wise, it was the cramps -- something I never had and never planned for -- that took me out.

We trudged on and the penultimate obstacle was a giant slip and slide into more freezing water. It's right in front of the spectators and I was scared to death I'd cramp up again in front of everyone -- MY PARENTS -- and look like an asshole. Not to discount the fear of another height obstacle. I didn't really think I was afraid of heights until Saturday.



The slip and slide looks small in the picture but it was enormous and FAST. I said to myself that if I ever had to have mind over body it was then, I got on the slide and flew down to the bottom. When I crawled out of the water (no cramp, thankfully) I saw my aunt and uncle who were there because their Xfit had a team and my parents. My aunt has gone to more of my events than I can count and she always waits patiently and is the first one to see me coming from far away. I got really upset when I saw them all because it was such a long day for everyone. I still had the electrical field to run through to finish but at least they got to see me and I got to see them. The electrical field was fine, no shocks, and then we were done.

I was happy about it at the finish but today I'm so, so depressed. I feel like a failure and I have no desire to do anything athletic again. A lot of people had warned me I'd get depressed after the marathon but I didn't. Not at all. I know it was because I trained hard and performed exactly how I wanted to. On Saturday I performed exactly how I feared I would: terribly. A small part of me is telling me that just finishing that was a feat. Most of me is telling me that I sucked ass and I had no business being out there.

My team was incredible. Zack, Soc, and Kristin are the only reasons I finished. I owe them more than I could ever repay. I'm so proud of the rest of our team members who all did an amazing job.



Maybe once I have some distance and perspective on this I'll feel better about the experience. For today I have to be honest, I feel absolutely crushed and it was a huge blow to my confidence and self-esteem. I know myself and I'll probably do it again because I was so unhappy with how I did on Saturday. I also know myself that I'd probably do it alone because I never want to hold anyone back ever again. I can't think about that right now though, just getting through today seems to be challenging enough. My calves still hurt but it's my heart that is really wounded.

T minus...

It's here. Well, almost. We're all leaving tomorrow for the Mudder. I feel like I should be more nervous but right now I'm keeping it in check. There's a much different feeling going into this than the marathon. I can't quite pinpoint it but I felt like there was an innate air of respect around the marathon, you had to respect the distance before you could attempt to attempt it. This is so different. I mean, come on, they are spraying us with snow-making hoses while we're on a tightrope and then shocking us with electric wires with the finish line in sight. How do you prepare for that? You don't. You just go into it, grit your teeth, and laugh about it after.

That said, I feel like the Mudder will be so much harder than the marathon. I remember starting the marathon (how could I not, it was the iconic Verrazano Bridge!) and then it was kind of a blur until the 8-mile mark. When I was in my running groove the miles thankfully ticked by. But with the Mudder: I don't think there will be a foot of that mountain or an obstacle that I'll just be able to zone out and forget about. I'm going to need to be mentally engaged as much as physically.

The marathon was such a solitary event for me. I trained alone and I ran alone. One of the things that will always stay with me was how I passed 2 million spectators (NYC's estimate) and still be alone. But I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, it was a solemn, serious quest for me. I crossed the finish line alone and cried by myself when I got my medal. I was fine with that. I don't think I could have shared that moment with anyone, even my husband.

The Mudder though -- completely different. I'm on a team. We are dependent on each other to get to the finish line. There are obstacles, like the 18-foot Evel Knevel, where it is literally impossible to do without help: someone to push up up and someone to pull you over. All this time I've doubted what my contribution could be with helping my teammates but my shoulders are strong, I can handle someone standing on them to get over the wall. What I'm not used to is accepting the help. I'm going to have to accept a hand (or some shoulders) and not feel like I'm imposing on someone or making someone else compensate for my weakness. The Mudder was designed to develop camaraderie. At the beginning you have to raise your hand and swear to leave no man behind. Xfit has shown me what it's like to have support until the last rep, the last meter of a run. This will be like a 3+ hour super WOD where we see each other to the end.

I'm so glad we're staying together as a team on Saturday night. We're going to have a lot to celebrate.