Own it

I haven't been blogging because I mostly use my iPad and I can't figure out how to save pictures from my iPhone on there. Not that I've had burning things to write about but I like checking in here because it keeps me accountable.

I had sort of a nervous breakdown last week about a silly (and it was literally silly) event that I signed up for with Xfit. It was the Gladiator Gauntlet and it was a mini obstacle run sponsored by Milford Xfit with all proceeds going to Make a Wish. When I heard about it I was psyched. Then I didn't make it onto a team because they filled up before I got myself together to get on a team so I was bummed out. Then the owner of my Xfit couldn't make it so she asked if I could sub for her so I was psyched again. Then the reality of being on a team with 3 of the best athletes at my Xfit dawned on me. And I freaked.

They are all awesome people. I went up to one of them after class one night and said that I totally understood if he wanted a different sub because I didn't want to hold them back. I can't see anyone at Xfit actually saying "yeah, stay home, you suck" because they are all so supportive and encouraging but I have that hang up of not being on the same level as the other athletes at my box. I dreaded it the whole week. I was also away in Detroit for work so that was stressing me out. I got home around 11 the night before and I truly didn't know how I was going to work up the courage to go the next morning. When I got home I checked the website and saw that we were in the last starting heat and that was it. Last. Last of the last. It was too much to deal with.

The course wasn't as hard as we all thought it would be and I actually did pretty well. I was elated when we were done because even though we were in the last heat we weren't last. My teammates checked the finish time of the other teams and we had done pretty well. I didn't hold them back, at least not that much.

This week I reflected on my anxiety a lot. I realize that I need to own it. If I want to be a part of these team events then I can't flip out every time. If I'm not as strong or as fast then I need to push harder and make myself stronger and faster. Competing means pushing myself beyond what I thought I could do and certainly beyond what's comfortable. If I'm going to sign up for these things then I need to own my weakness, figure out where I can be an asset, and do the best I can. If fear of being last is my motivator then I have to make it work for me. If being an equal with my team mates is my driver, then I need to step up my game. I choose to put myself in these situations. I choose to be a part of a group of amazing, athletes. I may never be to their level but I need to at least try. Otherwise, why bother? I could go back to working out in my basement with no pressure and watch myself stagnate and never evolve to the level of athleticism that I dream of. Own it: either deal with the competition and pressure of being part of a hardcore group or don't. But stop crying about it.

My team mates were all bad ass athletes but, in a way, I'm kind of bad ass too. At least compared to where I was 18 months ago. I need to own that too. I beat myself up because I'm not an elite like so many people are at Xfit but 18 months ago I would never have even dreamed of going to Xfit. My husband just started Xfit and I'm seeing the process through his eyes. Last night I was teaching him knees to elbows on the bar. A few people fro his on ramp class joined in and wanted to learn too. One said it was harder than she thought and I made it look easy. I just always assume everyone is better than me. I realize that we all come into these things with our own strengths and weaknesses and we grow together. My Xfit family makes me stronger and they help me build my confidence every time I enter one of these events. It's time for me to raise my game and pay them back for all they've given me so I can pay it forward.

Here's the very cool shirt from the Gladiator Gauntlet. Since I was subbing for the owner I got her size small. But I'm owning that too. ;)