Tough Enough?

Here's my answer: No. I was decidely not tough enough for the Tough Mudder.

All my fears came true. It was horrible. I dragged my team down and held them back. We split up into 3 groups at one point because it was hard to stay together with 14 people once we all were wet and freezing. I feel so bad for the people who were stuck with me. I started out strong and, to be honest, I don't think any of the obstacles were more than I could handle. Xfit prepared us well for all of that. It was climbing up and down Mount Snow at least 3 full times with lots of smaller up and downs that killed me. I don't think there's any really good way to describe the incline but this gives you an idea of how high we were. Multiple times.



Around the 5 mile mark it was a shitty little obstacle that started my demise. We had to get a running start to run up a small hill made out of hay. Because my feet had either been flexed totally up from going uphill or pointed straight down from going downhill when I ran up the hay pile my right foot locked in position and I had a calf cramp that was unbelievably painful. I was screaming like a jerk. Thank god one of our guys knew what to do and he rubbed out the cramp for me. I was so embarrased.

After that we did the Walk the Plank and, of the whole rotten day, it was the only time I can say I was proud of myself. It was a rope climb (with some footholds) up to a 15-foot plank. I climb ropes all the time at Xfit so that was probably the easiest thing I did all day. When I got to the top and looked down I realized how high it was and how very, very cold the water was going to be (they said low 40s, someone today told me they were dumping snow in the ponds to make it even colder) I got really scared. It took some prompting from one of the volunteers but I jumped in and did it. When I swam out I was elated and I thought I was ready to kick ass for the rest of the course.



Five minutes later we went into another water obstacle and as soon as I hit the cold water my calf cramped up again and I almost went under. Thank God (YET AGAIN!) for my team mates. One pulled me out, the other rubbed out the cramp. Once more I was screaming like a jerk but I can't even describe how bad that pain was.

At that point I was mentally done. I was afraid of every step after that because I was sure I was going to have another cramp. I knew if I did I'd quit. We had a long way to go still and it wasn't like a race course where you could just walk off the side of the road. We were on a GD mountain. When we got to the bottom of the the major part of it I saw an EMT and went over and made them give me a banana. They had run out of bananas and Clif bars at the 2 aid stations where I could have used them. They wrapped me in a blanket because my legs were locking up probably from hypothermia and I truthfully was ready to have them bring me to the finish line and get my first "DNF." I was so conflicted. I've never quit anything before and there I was ready to drop out when my parents had made the trip to VT to see me finish. I cried for awhile, the EMTs could give a shit and clearly wanted me to either get on a bus or get going. Then I saw my teammates (the ones I had held back for hours) finish one of the obstacles and I knew I had to finish with them. It would have been the worst thing I could do to hold them back for so long and then not finish.

I did feel better after eating the banana and I wonder if I had done it earlier if I could have avoided the cramps. I did not feel like I couldn't have gone on endurance-wise or strength-wise, it was the cramps -- something I never had and never planned for -- that took me out.

We trudged on and the penultimate obstacle was a giant slip and slide into more freezing water. It's right in front of the spectators and I was scared to death I'd cramp up again in front of everyone -- MY PARENTS -- and look like an asshole. Not to discount the fear of another height obstacle. I didn't really think I was afraid of heights until Saturday.



The slip and slide looks small in the picture but it was enormous and FAST. I said to myself that if I ever had to have mind over body it was then, I got on the slide and flew down to the bottom. When I crawled out of the water (no cramp, thankfully) I saw my aunt and uncle who were there because their Xfit had a team and my parents. My aunt has gone to more of my events than I can count and she always waits patiently and is the first one to see me coming from far away. I got really upset when I saw them all because it was such a long day for everyone. I still had the electrical field to run through to finish but at least they got to see me and I got to see them. The electrical field was fine, no shocks, and then we were done.

I was happy about it at the finish but today I'm so, so depressed. I feel like a failure and I have no desire to do anything athletic again. A lot of people had warned me I'd get depressed after the marathon but I didn't. Not at all. I know it was because I trained hard and performed exactly how I wanted to. On Saturday I performed exactly how I feared I would: terribly. A small part of me is telling me that just finishing that was a feat. Most of me is telling me that I sucked ass and I had no business being out there.

My team was incredible. Zack, Soc, and Kristin are the only reasons I finished. I owe them more than I could ever repay. I'm so proud of the rest of our team members who all did an amazing job.



Maybe once I have some distance and perspective on this I'll feel better about the experience. For today I have to be honest, I feel absolutely crushed and it was a huge blow to my confidence and self-esteem. I know myself and I'll probably do it again because I was so unhappy with how I did on Saturday. I also know myself that I'd probably do it alone because I never want to hold anyone back ever again. I can't think about that right now though, just getting through today seems to be challenging enough. My calves still hurt but it's my heart that is really wounded.