No snazzy title, just an update

Day 2 of no power, water, or cell service. I got out today to go to the surgeon's and had to reroute twice because of giant trees. I almost didn't make it. Not that it would have mattered because she said to keep the drain in (I knew she would) for another few days. I have to get down to 30ml a day and I'm still in the 50s. I'm glad though because when I was logging the fluid yesterday I thought it seemed high to leave inside my body if there was no drain. The drain site isn't infected so I was okay with her leaving it in. Also, I hadn't had anything to eat when I got there and since this one is the deeper (ie, more painful) of the 2 to remove I didn't want pass out.

Otherwise I'm healing okay she said. The outer incisions are closing up nicely. She felt around where I popped the stitches and didn't feel any muscle damage (thank god). She said she puts multiple layers in so ripping a few wouldn't make much if a difference. Without tv this recovery just ot a lot harder though!

I'm coming up on 2 weeks and I miss working out so much. I'm more active during the day, I can wake better and for longer. I'll give myself another week before I start to worry about losing strength or stamina. The rest probably wasn't a bad thing and since 2 weeks has gone by so quickly and I'm just *now* starting to feel antsy I know this was one hell of a procedure.

I got a beautiful card today from a friend at xfit. She's such a doll. She was one of the great people who got me to the finish line of the tough mudder. I wouldn't have finished without her, that's for certain. It was so wonderful to read her kind, encouraging words when I'm starting to feel anxious about being out of commission. I know when I'm ready I have friends waiting for me and that is an awesome feeling.

Chicken Soup for the Soul

Today was my first social outing since the surgery. It's taken 9 days to feel ready, which blows my mind that it's already been that long. I'm so grateful I have another week off from work because I really could not imagine going back this coming week.

I met Chris and her son at the shore and her and Bill went for a run while I sat by the water. Just sitting outside and getting some sea air felt wonderful. When they were done we went out for breakfast. It was SO what I needed. Chris said she can already see a big difference. My perspective is so skewed because I feel bulky from the binder and dressings underneath. I'm flat but I'm swollen. I have no shape still because the skin down to my belly button is stretched so tight it's flat but not in the flat-you-can-see-ab-muscles way, just flat until the skin forgives me enough to start molding back into a shape.

We had a great time, albeit too short as it always seems to be when we get together. Sitting outside on a beautiful day (the last for a few days with the hurricane coming) eating a great breakfast with my dear friend, her adorable son, and my great husband made me feel like "Okay, life is getting back to normal. Things are going to be fine." It was a fantastic feeling. Something that 9 days of pain, anxiety, sleeplessness, depression, and doubt made me appreciate all the more.

And, being the amazing person she is, she brought me home-made chicken soup which was INCREDIBLE and so thoughtful. I felt so loved. It was a great, GREAT morning.

After that B began hurricane preparations. For the most part I'm not worried about the storm but then I see that scary satellite picture and wonder how bad it's going to be. I'm on a hill so I don't expect flooding but I am surrounded by tons and tons of trees. What can I do though? If something is going to happen it's going to happen. B took out all our patio furniture and I hope he knows it's going right back after the storm because the best days of sitting on the deck are yet to come in September and October. The deck looks so empty!



We went to Walmart and that outing wasn't nearly as satisfying as the morning. I get really, really tired by mid-day. You can tell just by how I walk, I'm more upright in the morning, I'm practically hunched over by mid-day. I also try to take just 2 pills for pain now, one when I get up and one around 6 when the burning feeling sets in. We got some provisions and Walmart was amazingly organized and calm. They had carts filled with flashlights and propane tanks at the front of the store with employees manning them so there wasn't a mob of people walking off with all the stuff people were there for. After that I took a 2+ hour nap. Drained.

Today being such a great day I am starting to feel that excitement about getting this done before I actually did get it done and questioned myself every day after. I haven't dared to try on real clothes yet, I know they won't fit right because of the swelling and the binder. I don't know if I will have lost a size or what but I am hopeful that fall shopping will be different this year. I'm hoping to be able to wear things I wouldn't have before with the gut always in the way. Even though my big b-day fete is 6 weeks away it's NEVER too early to look for just the right outfit. ;) I lurve this dress so I ordered it. If the swelling is down by then I'm thinking I may be able to pull it off. We'll see!

Bust a gut

Yesterday I felt like I finally tuned a corner. Physically: doing well. Mentally: feeling better about the whole thing. Took a look in the mirror without the dressings and saw potential. Things were good.

I've coughed a few times since the surgery and when I knew it was coming and couldn't stop it I would hold my stomach and make it as shallow as possible. The other day my husband was making me laugh and I would get a chuckle out before I had to clutch my sides and stop. I've *felt* like I could literally bust a gut but I never thought it could really happen.

Well guess what? You can! Last night I coughed. It snuck up on me, I didn't have time to brace myself. I coughed and I felt something pop, almost like something was being unzipped underneath my skin. I freaked the F out. It didn't hurt. It burned a little but there wasn't any pain. I called the surgeon right away and the doctor on duty called me back within 10 minutes. He wasn't alarmed, he said if my drain suddenly started getting dark fluid or the output increased significantly to call back but otherwise even if I popped a few stitches it's not like they would go back in and fix them. As long as the outside was holding together that was the important thing.

It was a stressful night. I was terrified I was A) bleeding to death and B) had screwed up my surgery. Thankfully, I had friends to calm me down.

The drain was fine, it was the exact same amount of fluid all night as it had been the day before. The color is the same. My outer incisions are fine. I seem to be holding together. I have another follow-up on Monday and we'll talk about this, of course, but I have to believe in the history anyone -- man or woman -- who has had a tummy tuck no one ever popped a stitch or 2 sneezing, coughing, farting, or whatever. I was 8 days out at that point and the stitches under my skin are dissolvable so maybe they were on their way out anyway? Who knows. I look actually like I'm making some healing progress on the outside so I would think I'm healing internally too. This whole process has been and will remain a mystery to me.

I got a package today from my dear friend Chris (who also helped me calm down last night). She was the one who asked me what my goal was and I told her to wear jeans with a belt. Guess what she sent? I love it!!



Right now I can't imagine getting out of sweatpants or sleep shorts but when the swelling does subside and I attempt regular clothes for the first time, I cannot wait to wear it. "Don't dream it, be it." I don't know if she knows this but that's a line from my favorite song from Rocky Horror. I put it on my playlist during my NYC training and I always loved that part. Don't dream it, be it. Awesome.

In other exciting news, I got an email today -- Blog Fairy is ready to start working on my new layout! Decisions! Decisions! Also, I sold my 7th auction on eBay so operation Louis V Phase I is complete. Now I start working on funding a matching wallet. Why not? Apparently I have good crap to sell!

A lot of thankfulness to be had

I don't like text heavy blogs because, you know, who wants to go blind from me yammering without at least a picture of something to break it up. Lately I don't have much to photograph though -- me lying on the couch, me lying in bed, me hunched over sitting semi-upright looking green -- not really interesting. And let's not even consider posting pictures of the "work." I love horror movies but I'm not subjecting anyone to that mess.

Today I have a little visual interest though! A cookie basket from work! How very thoughtful!



That's a lot of freaking cookies! I love the little doctor bears. Cute because it was a get well basket and also because of our industry. Nice touch.

I feel strange accepting "get well" wishes like this because I'm not sick. This was an elective procedure. Work doesn't know the details because I've always felt that less is more whenever stuff like this is concerned. They could find out easily enough and I'd be completely honest if anyone asked. No one did so I didn't volunteer. So this was very, VERY kind of them to send.

Today was a long day. I didn't fall asleep until the sun was coming up. I don't think my cat naps during the day are doing it because I'm really tired all the time, I just think night is a really hard time because I'm incredibly uncomfortable. I'm so tired of having to grab onto the bed frame behind me to pull myself up an inch. I'm SO miserable sleeping on my back like a freaking vampire. I don't know what to do with my arms so I cross them over my chest. I have to keep a pillow under my knees because I can't stretch out fully. So bedtime just isn't a fun time for me no matter what meds are involved.

I had my first follow-up appointment today. The surgeon took one of the drains out. I already feel better physically. The next one won't come out until next week because it's doing more of the drainage because it is placed deeper, apparently. Also, I remarked that I couldn't believe I was glued together and she told me that it's only my outer incision that is glued. I have "layers and layers" of stitches on the inside. Ick. I forgot to ask her if my belly button was newly made or if she used my old one and just reinserted it. This is a fascinating thing to me. She wasn't very chatty so I forgot to ask her the few dumb questions I had. I did ask her about my hips and she said she thought the bulging would probably go down but the way she said it it wasn't exactly a promise. She said she gave me a nice hourglass shape, which is true, I can already see my waist is smaller despite the swelling. It's just weird that my anatomy is altered to a different body shape now. I saw myself in profile in the full-length mirror (the first time I dared to look) and I'm flat, for sure. That was the goal. It's less than a week, I'm trying not to get upset because I don't look exactly how I'm going to look. I don't know what reshaping I'll be doing on my own with Xfit once I'm back at it. I remember telling my friend that my goal was to look good in jeans - flat stomach and a big butt. The surgeon sure as hell didn't alter my ass so I think that goal was achieved. This is just all so weird for me, getting used to a new body shape that didn't occur gradually after day-in and day-out of work. I have seen a reshaping of my upper body but I saw the progression of what it took to get there: the first time I saw a bicep bulge, the first time I saw the line between the delt and the bicep, etc. And the bottom line is, whatever I am or am not used to today may look different in 6 months anyway. I've never really hated anything on my face enough that I wanted to get plastic surgery but I don't think I could handle it, I really don't. I think I can look great in jeans now even if I never wear a bikini (not the intent of this procedure but I sure wouldn't complain if it were a side effect). If I hated a new nose or new lips and had to look at it every day what would I do?

Fascinating. This mental process is fascinating. I feel like pre- and post-op counseling should be part of the package because it can easily deteriorate from "dream come true" to "if only..."

I discovered another thing about myself this morning that was brought upon by a bad mood and crappy sleep: I'm not very bright. I was in the waiting room getting pissed looking at all the people sitting around me for consultations or follow-ups and it seemed like everyone was talking about insurance but me. I thought, am I the only f*cking idiot that paid for this myself? Should I have spent months and months fighting the insurance company to get this done? I was getting in a progressively pissy mood as my appointment got later and later. A woman sitting across from me saw me hold my stomach as I moved in my seat and asked me how I was doing. I chatted with her assuming she was getting something cosmetic done and she started to cry. Yes, she was seeing a plastic surgeon but it was in conjunction with treatment at Smilow cancer center. I thought, well I'm as stupid as they come. Not everyone is here for a tummy tuck, there are people with real problems. It was kind of like that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry makes fun of a dermatologist as Pimple Popper, MD and then finds out she saved someone who had melanoma. Yeah. So a little hip bulge in my new "hourglass" figure? Not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things.

Coming to my senses

Today was a better day. I didn't fall asleep until 3:30ish so I slept later but when I got up my drains were good and I was stiff from not moving but not in horrible pain. I took some pain meds when I got up but I lasted until 5pm before taking another one. I didn't take Valium for the muscle soreness but I'll take one before bed. The antibiotic horse pills are killing me though. They get stuck every time and my stomach (the inside one) hurts. I'll be happy when that bottle is done.

My parents came over today. It was a good visit but I was exhausted after even from just 2 hours. I took a nap after but let's be honest, I'd take a 2-hour nap on a Sunday anyway. I did a reveal of my stomach (the outside one) for my mom and she said it looked good and I needed a belly ring. Haha. She was more pleased that there was no redness at all from infection. It was a quick glance though, it is pretty hideous to look at so we changed the dressings and sealed me back up in the binder.

I had a great chat with my dear friend tonight. That boosted me spirits a lot and I'm going to meet her on Friday while -- get this -- she and my husband do a run and then we all go out for breakfast. That's awesome! I think the best way for me to stay in the game with fitness is to keep it a part of my life even while I'm recovering. Just because I can't run I am thrilled my husband and friend will do it anyway. My xfit is hosting a benefit WOD on the 3rd called 31 Heroes and even though I won't be able to do it I signed up to support the cause and I'll go and be the photographer. The door is and will remain open to me there. I'm the only one who can shut it by feeling sorry for myself, convincing myself I've lost too much time and can't recover for my fall events, and turning my back on the support system I've been lucky enough to develop. When I go back I'll be slow, I won't be lifting heavy, and I'll have to modify some moves again but it's not going to matter. My place in the community was never contingent on whether I could RX a WOD or not. Talking with Chris made me realize that.

Tomorrow is my first follow up. I know it's too soon to see how I'm going to turn out but I'd really like not to hear "Wow. I really botched that one up, huh?" when she looks at me. After that I have to mail out my first completed auction! It ended 7 days early with buy-it-now. I wish I had better crap to sell!!

Onions make me cry

I've reached the depression stage of healing. I'm tired of being tired. Sick of being sore. I have to empty my drains 3 times a day and even though I know the repercussions of not doing so I don't want to deal with it any more. I feel more swollen today than before but that's normal apparently. When I lift up the binder to get at the drains I see all the glue holding me together and the ugly stitches keeping the drains secure and I am depressed that I mutilated myself so hideously.

These are all fairly normal post-op feelings. It's not like walking into a salon and walking out with a great new 'do. It will be weeks before I'll get a true idea of what I will look like. It will be months before I'm 100% healed although life should be back to normal 4 to 6 weeks out. Right now I'm not seeing the benefit. I only feel the discomfort and let-down. Again, all normal so I've read. I've put my body through an enormous strain. My mind isn't that resolute that I'm immune to the feelings that accompany this.

I can't forget that this process in itself was emotional, regardless of post-surgical fatigue and melancholy. All the fluctuations of excitement, fear, and uncertainty certainly play a part in my mood now.

I started the day off well: I woke up with 10ml less fluid in each drain than I had been getting. The sun was out so I laid in my deck chair (which is the perfect angle for how I'm supposed to be reclining) and when I started to get sweaty I had husband help me wash my hair. I could have done yesterday but I had neither the energy nor need for clean hair when I planned on staying in bed all day. It was when I undid the binder that I felt the depression kick in. I noticed bulges in my hip area that looked awful to me. Instead of saying to myself a) they weren't there the other day so it's probably swelling and b) that's exactly where the drains are so -- again -- probably swelling, I thought I looked horrible and that this was for nothing. I looked it up online and nearly everything I read said it takes months, even up to a year, for the body to settle into its new positioning. Of course the one post that really stuck with me was the woman who said it was a waste of money, how unhappy she was, how she had revision surgery and was unhappy with that too. I thought: is that going to be me? Did I just peel back the first layer of an onion and I'm going to keep peeling and peeling until there is nothing left of me?

I would *hope* that my surgeon's plan was to give me the best results possible, not make me develop a new body issue. In this state of mind I am afraid of my follow up visit and hearing her say that it wasn't going to look any better. What would I do? It's really not like going to a salon. If I hate the color the stylist redyes it. If I hate the cut it grows out. This is my body here. I have permanently altered it. There isn't any going back.

Today was a better day physically. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day mentally. I miss my friends. I miss working out. I don't like feeling like a blob with no shape hunched over when I walk because I'm not supposed to strain the incisions by standing fully upright. I lived in sweatpants and boxy men's t-shirts for years. Maybe my wardrobe is bringing up those feelings which is ironic because supposedly underneath the frumpy exterior I have a snazzy new shape.

I don't mean to whine every day. I'm just being honest about the recovery process and the feelings that have come up throughout it. I'd be worse off if I didn't try to acknowledge how I'm feeling or the possible reasons behind it. This was a running blog a year ago. It's so much more to me now (and in think after months and months on the waiting list, 6 I think) I'll have a new template soon (still 2 more people ahead of me) that reflects my life rather than that one race. Can't wait!

In non-surgical, non-bodycentric news, I started listing some stuff on eBay. I have so many things I don't use and I really want a LV bag so I have a few auctions going on. Out with the old, hopefully in with a new! I just can't justify the cost of an LV bag but if I were, in essence, trading bags I don't use anymore then it would kind of be free, right? And it's always good to clear out clutter so I'm doing my husband a favor too. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. ;) I have over a week left on the auctions I have up and I'll be posting more. Let's see if my wheeling and dealing pays off!

Oof

Today was the worst yet. I think Wednesday went okay because I was so happy to have made it through surgery and I was on great drugs. Thursday was good because I came home. Today was just rough. I almost fainted emptying my drains this morning. That's how the day started. I was queasy most of the day but as soon as I started drinking more fluids I seemed to feel better.

Pain is considerable. I read on my discharge papers that it's normal to have more swelling a few days after so I think I'm at that point where my body is over the initial shock and working hard to heal.

I'm hoping to turn a corner tomorrow. My husband has been taking great care of me but I think it's freaking him out to see me so incapacitated. He's stressed out, I can tell. Later in the day he commented that I had color back in my face. I guess he was quietly watching and worrying when I wasn't looking so great in the morning.

I think today was the closest I've felt to second guessing having this done. I know this will pass and I'll be happy I did it. Today wasca challenge though. I hope I sleep well and tomorrow is a better day.