Will the real Kelly please stand up?

Yesterday I went for a trail run, the first one in a long time. I had every intention of making it to Xfit but I didn't. Slept until 10:30 as a matter of fact. I didn't feel rested when I woke up though, I felt sad. I've been feeling sad a lot lately. Sleeping late is a indication of that. I find it harder and harder to face the days lately. But I made myself go to the trail and I parked in the usual line of cars along the road. All the weekend warriors, cars I recognized, some I didn't. I looked at the stickers on their cars: Ragnar Relay, 13.1, biking stickers, ultra marathon stickers -- the stickers of athletes. I have a few on my car: 26.2 and Tough Mudder. I was so proud to put those stickers on. But yesterday when I was getting out of my car I wondered if one of those other sticker owners saw me getting out they would think "Oh. She must be driving her husband's car." I don't feel like I am what I want people to think I am when they're driving behind me.

The run was tough. Why wouldn't it be? I've avoided distances like the plague. It wasn't a bust, it just showed me I have work to do again. I know it's nothing I can't do and nothing I won't do, it's just something I don't really want to do.

I thought about what it is that drives me to sign up for the next big challenge. Is it because I truly get something out of the experience? Is it because I want another medal? Another sticker on my car? Is it to prove people wrong when they see me as one thing and I can pretend to be another? Is it out of love for the sport or self-loathing?

Self loathing. Something I do every day. I look in the mirror and I don't see what those stickers on my car say I should be. I see bat wings. Saggy thighs. A gross stomach. I see someone "passing" for normal if you don't look too hard. We all have horrendous childhood stories that have scarred us for life, I always think of 1: going to summer camp for the first time and a kid jamming his finger into my stomach and telling me I was fat. I went and cried behind a tree, it hurt -- he wasn't gentle about it, but I hurt more inside. I've heard Kelly Jelly Belly more than I care to count. I know I should be over the taunts of children but that stuff stays with you, especially if you never learned to say "Fuck you, I'm better than that." I feel like all the challenges I've chased have been my way of saying that but I'm always the same person at the finish line.

I'm going to be forthcoming about this because I feel like I have nothing to hide. I have a consultation on July 25th with a plastic surgeon. I've thought about doing this for years and years -- the first time I lost weight, when I gained the weight and told myself that if I had finished out the process I wouldn't have gained it back, and when I lost it again this time. I'm looking to get abdominoplasty and possibly my thighs done. Truthfully, if she would do it all in one shot (she won't), I'd get a total overhaul: boobs, arms, stomach, thighs, butt. The recovery time would be brutal though and I have all those events coming up. Again: doing it for me or doing it to run away from me? The fact that I am even considering needing to account for training time in my cosmetic plans tells me I do actually get something out of these things but not enough, apparently. Not enough to accept me for who I am.

My husband is concerned, of course. He loves me for who I am. He's proud of my accomplishments. He'd rather I not have any surgery. But he understands how I feel about this, he has for a long time. I think he's also worried that I may end up with a flat stomach but it will just make me focus on something else I hate. I wouldn't say he'd be wrong there. I told him that if I could get my appearance to match my ability I'd have the confidence to do so much more. I said if I got this done I would train for the Xfit Open next year. Truthfully, I could train without having a flat stomach. Should CrossFit only be about being able to wear tiny shorts and knee socks? Shouldn't it be about the average person who achieved amazing things? I'm not that brave and I'm not that foolish. I know I'm using my appearance not to push myself harder to be a true athlete just as I know we would all rather look at smoking hot bodies in bra tops with ripped abs.

I've got some mental homework to do. I need to decide if this is truly about shedding my skin (literally) and emerging as the athlete I've worked so, SO hard to be or if this is chasing an ideal of perfection that I physically won't be able to reach. I need to give some hard thought to who I am and who it is I want to be. Am I the girl who can own those stickers on her car or one who is always going to let self-doubt ruin the experiences that so much work went into having.