Life is short, skip cake

This entry isn't about fitness directly. It's about going to the wedding of my dear friends and having a great time. But when I think about having a great time there was so much that went into it and that, I know, is all about fitness.

For my whole life I have never been the same size for consecutive seasons never mind consecutive years. Mostly it meant going up sizes (and up and up). If I lost weight I'd immediately get rid of my fat clothes with the very best intentions of never needing them again. And then months later I'd have to spend a small fortune buying clothes because I was back up to where I was if not bigger.

Special occasions have always been a source of panic for me. The week before an event I would search my closests in vain for somethig to wear. The pretty dress I would plan to wear would no longer fit. Frustrated and depressed I'd go to the plus size department of every store in the mall desperate for a dress that fit and would make me feel pretty. I'd find dresses that fit (eventually) but I never felt pretty. I felt fat.

Yesterday I was running around the house in my usual pre-event panic but it was about hair and makeup and necklaces and a purse. As I was waging war with the curling iron still not dressed 5 minutes after we were supposed to leave I had a terrifying thought: what if the dress I was planning to wear didn't fit? I last wore it in January. I didn't try it on before wedding day because all my regular clothes have been the same size since then. But I was so conditioned to have that disappointment of a dress not zipping, or zipping and not being able to move my arms, or seeing the fabric that was supposed to drape stretched tight across my stomach. I shook it off, declared victory over the curling iron, and put on the dress. Size 6. Same as it was in January. It looked and fit just fine.

At the wedding I saw friends I hadn't seen in awhile. Another special occasion panic I've always lived with is thinking about the last time I saw someone and trying to remember if I was bigger or smaller then. I didn't have that fear. I hugged hello, I smiled, I was complimented. I met new friends of friends and didn't give a thought to what my appearance was. I felt good. I felt like I fit in.

And I danced! A LOT! I think the last wedding I danced at was my own almost 14 years ago. I forgot how much I liked to dance. I also did it in 4 inch heels (my xfit friends will remember the shoes I climbed a rope in -- those!). Men and women told me how much they loved my shoes. People came up to me at the end of the wedding and said they were in awe that I kept them on the whole time. That was a first! I've never thought of myself as being light on my feet but I know I wouldn't have been able to even walk across the room in heels 100 lbs ago. And there I was dancing in them.

I enjoyed dancing so much that when I sat down to eat cake and a song came on that I loved I jumped up and left my cake where it was. I've had a lot of firsts this year but that was a serious first. I picked dancing over cake! I didn't even know that was possible!

I know all these things were important and different to me but I didn't think anyone else noticed or cared. They did though. A few of my friends said "gay wedding Kelly is so fun, she should come out more." They're right. I was fun. And I should be that happy, fun version of myself whenever I'm fortunate enough to have the opportunity to celebrate these special occasions in life. I've already wasted so much of my life sitting at then table watching everyone else have a good time. It was my own doing, it was my own hangups that prevented me from having fun. Not anymore. Life is way too short.

So this wasn't about fitness but it was. I wouldn't have had so much fun if I were still trapped in my old body and my own mind. And that's ALL about what fitness has done for me.