And on the 7th day...

Today's positive thing is this:



It's not that I did anything exceptional today. It's not that I woke up and my swelling was gone and I looked fantastic. It's that I came home after a week of housesitting, got in my bed with my dogs, put on the tv, and rested. I'm not looking at that as being lazy, I'm looking at it as knowing what I need and doing it without feeling bad.

I have fitness plans for the week to keep building back my strength and stamina little by little but in order to make that happen rest is important too. It's mandatory. It's necessary anyway in a training program, it's essential recovering from surgery. I accept that, I embrace that, and I look at it as a step in getting stronger, not a setback.

Look at me, thinking all rationally and stuff. Where was this chick last week when I needed her?

On the move

What am I feeling positive about today?



That, baby. With good reason.

I was really nervous to get back out there. After nursing myself on the treadmill this week I was afraid to leave the safety of the basement and experience the road and hills again. I never used to give much thought to "what the hell happens if I get far away from home and can't make it back?" but that thought crossed my mind a lot once these plans for today were made. I honestly don't think I would have gone if my friend wasn't doing it with me. I got to our starting point first and I sat on a park bench questioning everything -- was I ready? Would I even be able to walk it? What happened if I didn't do it? What did that mean for the Tough Mudder and Goofy? When my friend got there I joked that I was already done so I was just going to go eat a bagel across the street. She said that was fine, she was going home. And with that, we knew it was now or never.

We got going and we picked a good strategy for intervals. We stayed with it the entire time, all 6 miles. I think that was a pleasant surprise for both of us. This was my friend's longest run so far and this was my re-entry into a training schedule. While both of us would have walked the entire thing for each other and never given it a second thought we seemed to have an unspoken agreement that we weren't going to let that happen today. We had a lot on the line and I think we fed off of each other's nervousness and determination to make it a resounding success.

We did this course back in June at the Branford Road Race. I remember a part of the race where my friend was not having a good time and we were making deals to get from one telephone pole to the next. Today we ran the entire length of that hill. The smile that broke out on her face when we crested the hill was one of the best things I've ever experienced on a run. Even better, when we were running up another hill her sister drove by and beeped. It was an incredible comeback for both of us -- her to a course that gave her a rough time just a few months ago, me to running after (as I'm now realizing) major surgery.

And with that, I'm on track for my training program for January. Even though today wasn't my fastest or strongest it was still well under the sweep time for Disney and that's okay with me. I hope (and expect) to get stronger and faster in the next 16 weeks and run 2 decent races at Disney but I also don't want to be hobbling around the parks for the rest of the week and ruin my vacation. Disney is such a low-key race. Sure, plenty of people run it for a Boston Qualifier because it's fast and flat but there's far more people who run it to be able to stop for a photo op with Jack Sparrow or Chip and Dale. The people I saw finishing around the 6 hour mark seemed just as happy as the ones who shot by at the 2. I think it's going to be just fine.

So I'm feeling good. For real.

Also, I think the hot tub sessions are really helping with the muscle discomfort. Every day is a new adventure in the mirror but today I noticed my scar line is higher. While that isn't something I'm thrilled about it means that I am standing up straighter and it's probably finally moving to where it will end up. She did tell me hip to hip and for the last 4 weeks it was surprisingly low but that's because I was hunched over and it had nowhere to go. I have a feeling things will be on the move every day now that I'm making a reasonable return to physical activity. This should be interesting if nothing else.

Jelly Belly Litmus Test

My positive thing for today is that yesterday afternoon my surgeon's office called back after 3 days to tell me I was cleared for going in the hot tub. It's okay, they called back within 10 minutes the time I busted my stitches -- I understand hot tub plans are low on the priority callback schedule. And, after 3 times going in, I can feel the tension in my upper back loosening and maybe -- maybe -- my abdomen muscles are loosening up a little. I seem to be able to stand up a little straighter without the binder on which had been a serious concern for me beyond how I looked. I've been hunched over for over 4 weeks now. It's gotten better but when I take the binder off to shower I truly feel like I can't stand straight up because my middle is pulled so tightly down. After a couple of soaks in the hot tub I feel like that is getting slightly better.

Tonight when I was in the hot tub I felt the familiar feeling of jiggling across my stomach. I didn't think about it at first and then I thought "Really? My stomach is so goddamned tight I can't stand up straight but it still jiggles in a hot tub?" But it wasn't. A huge air bubble had ballooned up the compression shorts I was wearing and it was the fabric rippling against me. I felt my stomach and it was tight as a drum, even with the water jets doing their best. That's new and cool.

Going for a long run tomorrow with my friend. Oh, she is so patient to do this with me. I'm so grateful. I think I'd be afraid to go out there alone and I know I have to get back out there to get this Goofy training off the ground. Let's hope there's a Day 3 after this outing and not a permanent haitus from blogging!

4 Weeks of Positive Thinking

Since the last 4 weeks have been nothing but whining: whining about how much pain I was in, whining about how sucky living without power and water for a week was after the hurricane (while being in pain), and whining about how I look, I decided that -- for my own sanity -- that any blog post in the next 4 weeks will have at least something positive in it. If this is my last entry for a month then it wasn't a very successful experiment but I believe, like training the body, I can train my mind to get past all this bullshit. Because, really, the 3 outcomes of my unhappiness are this:

1. It resolves itself on its own
2. I learn to live with it
3. I decide to have it fixed

Put like that it seems pretty simple. It will fall into one of the 3 categories and I'll know which one it is when I know. End of story.

Today's positive thing: I did the treadmill today for 50 minutes, 3.64 miles. I've added 5 minutes and almost half a mile from my first outing on Monday. It's small progress but it's progress. I haven't thrown in the towel. It's not comfortable, I'm still very tender and tight through my whole abdomen but I'm trying to work it out.

I'm also trying to look at myself through the "clothing lens" to see if things are as bad as I think they are. I'm not going to post a picture of myself for the next 4 weeks. Any readers I have left will be thinking, "Please. I liked you better when you hated yourself and I didn't have to look at you every day." But today is Day 1 of this effort and I wore workout clothes. My positive thing I will say is that running shorts look totally flat the way they're supposed to now.



Tomorrow is another day.

You can't always get what you want

I'm going to be insightful and start out by saying that when I don't sleep the whole day is shit. I was up every half hour last night. For some reason the house was baking hot and once I was up and sweaty there was no restful sleep to be had. When I woke up I was already in a rotten mood and my first thought was "Today is 4 weeks."

I don't know what I expected. Probably nothing. I was looking for a reason to be depressed and miserable. I looked at myself in the mirror, saw the same swelling I've seen for the last 4 weeks, and let my mood go completely black. I did something I've only done one other time in 5 years: I called my husband at work. I haven't seen him since Monday but it feels like it's been forever. As soon as I heard his voice I started crying. I told him how unhappy I was and how I hated what I looked like. I told him how sorry I was for putting us through this and how ashamed and embarrassed I am about all of this. God bless him for saying all the right things. He told me it's only 4 weeks and it will take a long time for everything to adjust itself. He told me once I go back to Xfit that will make a huge difference too. He told me not to worry and we'll deal with this no matter what. My biggest fear is that I'll wait the year, I'll never be happy with the results, and I either spend another fortune on more surgery (risking more disappointing results and putting myself through the trauma of another procedure) or live the rest of my life with regret. My husband is very calming and while I did feel better after talking to him I was still just so upset and depressed.

I don't know if I believe in karma because there seem to be a lot of shitty people living great lives but I do think that sometimes you get what you need. I had already planned to have lunch with my friend who has been my sounding board through this whole process. I didn't want it to be another conversation about this but I ended up telling her about how I felt. She's so rational and objective. We talked about how 4 weeks off from working out, which has been my salvation for the last 2 years, is effecting my emotions. We talked about that definition of "normal" that has been a barrier for me: my "normal" vs the normal "normal." And, like Bill, she reminded me that it's only 4 weeks. One week (which I've blocked out since it was so awful) was hurricane survival week that caused me so much stress and I know set my healing back a week.

Rationally, I know these things but thank goodness I have people I love and trust to remind me. The other thing I love about my friend is that she would tell me things straight up. I am wearing jeans today. They're super low cut so they fit because they don't have to go over my waist. But they're jeans. And that's kind of normal. So, being the good, straight-shooter friend she is, she looked at me and said that I told her I wanted to look good in jeans and, from her perspective, I looked great. She said looking at me she'd get it done tomorrow. She asked (in that sensitive good friend way) if my disappointment was that my expectation really was more than I had initially said. I think that's probably a lot of it. Yes, I truly wanted to look good in clothes and not feel like I always had a gut hanging out. But when you go through this you can't help but think you might end up with even more.

It was a good conversation and one I needed to hear. I'm starting up with workouts again, I've done the treadmill twice this week, I'll do it tomorrow, and then my friend and I are going to do a long run on Saturday (with walk breaks -- I need them, she doesn't!). She thinks once I'm out there I'll feel so much better and I agree. Once I'm back in motion and working toward something I think a lot of the anxiety and focus on my stupid hips will go away. I'll be more concerned with mileage, pace, WODs, and all the stuff that has made me who I am today, regardless of the surgery.

After our lunch I went to Kohl's. My surgeon had told me last week that I could switch to Spanx, I haven't been to the store and I was still afraid to get rid of the binder, no matter how much I hated it. I found these:



So I bought 2. I got home, took off this wretched thing:



And I instantly felt better. Again, kind of normal.

Then I looked in the mirror, clothes on, and tried to see what my friend says she can see. I realized, swelling and all, I'm not hideous. My first "after" pictures.





A return back to running, a few weeks back at Xfit, an "event" even if it's just a 5K to feel like I'm part of something again, some more weeks of healing (and hopefully less swelling) and I might not feel the regret I do now.

I know the internet is such a reliable source of information but I read this and it made me feel a little better. Seems like 3-6 months is normal, a year is not unheard of. I am not alone in this.

So you can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.

Are you kidding me?

It's not funny anymore.

I'm staying at my aunt's house for the week while they're away. This is where I came to convalesce when we had no power after the hurricane. It's on the water. It's beautiful. I love staying here.

When I went into the basement today to do the treadmill I noticed this in the corner. It's always been there but now that I Xfit, I know what it is.



A GHD machine. Glute Ham Developer. I'd never tried one until I went to Xfit and I never found out how awesome it is for glutes and hamstrings but I do know that doing GHD situps will give you some seriously cut abs. I could have been hanging out all day on this thing. But I can't.

I'm in Branford. Minutes away from Shoreline CrossFit, one of the best boxes in the state. I could be hanging there all day. But I can't.

I can't even go into the hot tub or the pool because even though my incision is almost 100% filled with my luck I'd get a goddamned staph infection.

I'm still missing out on so much. And I'm still not happy with how I look. I'm still swollen. I still can't wear regular clothes. I weigh myself and I'm not gaining weight so I know it has to be swelling but WTF? It will be 4 weeks tomorrow.

I'm so over this. I'm fully admitting it, if I had to do it all over again I wouldn't. I'd save myself a shitload of money and just deal with my body the way it is. I'd have done the 20K on Labor Day. I'd be in good shape for the Hartford Half. I'd be 2 strong weeks into my Goofy Challenge program. I wouldn't be wearing a tight, uncomfortable binder that I want to set fire to but I'm even more uncomfortable when I'm not in it because I feel like it's holding me together. I know it's not, I know the tightness in my abs is staying but I am literally not comfortable in my own skin. I always said that I wasn't comfortable in my skin before because I wasn't able to see myself as fit and not fat but this is the real deal.

I was talking with someone today and they said that when their sister had a nose job it took a full year for the swelling to go down. That's a nose. This is my whole goddamned abdomen where 3 lbs of skin were removed. I am depressed. I am angry. I am feeling such regret.

I know (hope?) this will pass. I hope this is just a bad day where nothing has gone right and I am out of sorts.

I did try to get some of my life back. I did the treadmill today. I skipped the 1-minute jogging intervals and did 2 and 2, then 3 and 2, and then because I hate when things don't work out numerically, I did the last interval for 5 minutes but slower than I had done the others. I did a little better than yesterday, 3.25 miles in 45 minutes. Fantastic. That's another 10 feet of the Mudder I'll kill myself on.

On the bright side, unless everyone is a liar (and they may well be, who wants to admit they made a mistake?) the people who I know who have had tummy tucks all love theirs and have no regrets. Maybe they were faster healers. Maybe they weren't pissed about missing the Labor Day race. They all love the way they look. Maybe I'll get there too.

And that's my whine of the night. Probably more to come tomorrow.

Don't call it a comeback

Today I felt good. I felt strong and I felt ready to start rustling up some endorphins. Although I hate the dreadmill more than anything I figured it was smarter to give my first post-surgical go at exercise near a phone with a fixed location should 9-1-1 be required. My original plan was to walk. But I opened the box of new running sneakers bought just before surgery to check them out. The final verdict isn't in but the Adidas Supernova Adapt seems to be a reasonable facsimile to the Supernova Classic that I've mourned for a year now. I got so excited about my new kicks that after walking on the treadmill for 5 minutes I did a little gut check (like that? gut check?) and decided I could *try* doing 1 minutes of jogging (I can't, in good faith, call it running) to every 2 minutes of walking. I started out like that once before, why not again?

I did my first mile like that and while I felt myself running sort of doubled over to protect my stomach (same exact thing after the gallbladder) and while I felt like I was jiggling myself in ways my body hasn't felt in a few weeks, I didn't feel acute pain or like something was going to break. Plus I had the binder on (which needs a date with some febreze, BTW) so I felt a little confident going into my second mile to even the intervals to 2 minutes jogging and 2 minutes walking.

Surprisingly, I wasn't winded. It wasn't that that made me look forward to the end of each interval, it was the tenderness and a little fear of what my abdomen muscles were feeling. My legs felt strong. I felt strong.

I did my third mile with 3 minutes jogging (although I had moved up to 5 mph by that point -- I know, not exactly breaking the sound barrier but it was a good first effort) to every 2 minutes of walking. I felt like I could have gone longer and I really, really wanted to but I figured 45 minutes the first time out was a good stopping point. And here you are:



3.17 miles. Not bad coming off major surgery and 4 weeks to the day since my last workout. I am trying not to let the knowledge that those 3.17 miles on a treadmill is equivalent to about a half mile of the Tough Mudder course ruin my day but, again, we all have to start somewhere. A few more sessions like that, a little more confidence gained, and I'll be back on the trail and the road where I love it best.

I feel strong and happy today. About damned time.