Daisy's Day Out

Today was pretty great. Despite the somber nature of the date and the eerie perfect sunny cool weather so reminiscent of September 11, 2001, it was a really great day.

One thing about having to take time off from Xfit is that it's given my husband a chance to do some partner WODs with my friend. We decided to go this morning, they would do the partner WOD and I would go with her husband and son for a walk along the shore. They had a great WOD, my husband seems to be enjoying Xfit more and more which I LOVE. I had a good walk, albeit a little stressful because I had Daisy and she can pull like no one's business. I was trying to keep her from flipping over the jogger stroller so I got a little cardio and upper body work in today I guess.

After we went to the Paperback for breakfast and eventually everyone else from Xfit showed up there and we all sat outside eating breakfast and enjoying the day.

I think continuing to hang around at Xfit has been great for me. I'm inspired and motivated when I see the WODs and I know that I'll be back there soon enough. It's also given my husband a chance to make this his own thing and I'm so happy about that. He joined for me but I think he's seeing that he's good at it and that he's becoming stronger.

Of all of us, I think Daisy had the best day though. She got to go to see the box, meet some new people, got a walk in a new area, and had a some pancakes, sausage, and bacon. When we got back she slept for hours. :)

Wrong again

But finally in a good way.

Ohhh, was I dreading the drain pull. I'm not kidding when I say I brought my last pain pill and a bandana to chew on in anticipation of it.



The surgeon was happy with the healing so she snapped on the gloves to yank it. I took out my bandana and she asked what it was for. I told her that the last time I was there I heard someone screaming down the hall. She kind of laughed and said that the transplant unit is down the hall also and she wasn't sure what happens in those offices. She got me ready and it was over in 2 seconds. NO pain. Like, none. It felt like something slithery coming out of me but no pain. It didn't get caught on a nice chunk of skin that had healed. OMG. What a relief.

We talked about a few things. It's funny, of course I trusted her when I chose to have her do my surgery. And I've talked about why I stayed off the cosmetic surgery boards because there's only so much non-medical opinions that you can take. I'm not going to go in and micro manage my surgeon. She is where she is because she must know what she's doing. That said, I've been upset about my hip swelling from the beginning. I've talked about it here and when I look in the mirror and I can really see my tight little abdomen starting to emerge I see the bulges in my hips and I get depressed. I mentioned it again today and 2 minutes of her talking to me made all the difference in the world.

She said the swelling happens because that's where the blood supply comes from (hence the spot for the drains), meaning the area is highly susceptible to swelling and inflammation. She said she used to do lipo on the hips at the same time as the abdominoplasty but found that it was to aggressive. She said 90% of her patients look like that after surgery and it resolves itself almost all the time. IF in a year (which tells you just how long it takes for the body to snap back from this) I'm still unhappy she'd do a little lipo but to not even worry about it now.

Of course she knows what she's doing. Of course she has a rationale. I was so glad she mentioned the lipo because when I look at myself I think "Why didn't she just suck the fat out there too?" But she had a reason. I love explanations. They put me at ease and make me stress less.

Other than that I am coming along okay. I have clearance to start walking for exercise. Miles are miles so I'll take it! We decided that the trip to Istanbul for work next week is probably not a great idea so I'm on leave for 2 more weeks which I'm relieved about. I can really, really finish healing hopefully without further stress, like hurricanes and stuff.

We had dinner with our friends tonight at a churrascuria. OMG, so perfect! Relatively healthy, too especially if I'm doing high protein. I had some sides too but the meat was excellent and I'd go back again.

I'm excited the drain is out and I can really focus on getting better. Yay!

Also, got the first preview of the new blog design. I have a few tweaks I'd like to make but I love the idea of this new blog!

Exercise is easier

I'm hoping to get clearance to do *something* physical when I go to the dr's tomorrow. It's been a long 3 weeks. The first week I was in so much pain that I didn't care about working out. The second week I had no power so I was depressed and bored (and still in pain) so while I thought about working out every day I still was in "eat what you want, you're recovering" mode.

This is my third-going-into-fourth week. Now is when my body isn't burning as much to heal, any residual effects of developing a good metabolism is probably disappearing, so I've come to the proverbial fork in the road: keep eating crap or cut back on calories to offset the lack of exercise.

When we chucked the fridge and freezer after the hurricane I only bought healthy things. It was hard to do, given the steady diet of candy and Chinese I lived on during hurricane week. And really, when you're standing in a grocery store surrounded by chips and ice cream, who really wants to say no? Not me.

In my regular life I eat fairly healthy. I have my indulgences but I enjoy them. I don't weigh myself a lot, I go by my clothing. I obsessed over food and points and all that tedious shit for so long, I don't make it the focus of my life now. I did -- both times I lost 100 lbs -- the first time with WW and the second time on a high protein diet using daily plate. I tracked everything down to measuring how much milk I put in my coffee. It's a drag. I hated it but I was seeing results week after week. When I got to my goal weight I tried to keep up with it but there doesn't seem to be the same incentive to be just as diligent but only see no change on the scale. So I stopped. I also joined xfit and I could see in pictures and in my clothes that whatever I was doing was working.

Truth be told, I could and maybe should lose 10 more lbs which would mean cracking down on my diet again. I always have this inner battle with myself: bust my ass and lose 10 more lbs and white knuckle my way through every day trying to stay there or be thrilled I've lost the weight (again) and have maintained it for over a year now. For the first time in my life I can eat something "bad" and A) not beat myself up for being a failure and B) not let it put me into a food frenzy that doesn't end. I've been in a good place with this. Maybe I'm going easy on myself by not losing 10 more lbs, maybe it's that I know myself well enough to know that's putting me into a precarious mental state that I may still not be strong enough to handle. As someone who has had food issues my entire life I avoid that chaotic, scary mind space whenever I can.

But, like I said, no working out means something has to give on the other end. My recognition of such is kind of a victory in itself. If I had a good track record of putting the breaks on I wouldn't have gained 100 lbs TWICE. The last few days have been good, egg whites or a scrambeled egg in the morning, turkey rollups, meatballs, Greek yogurt throughout the day -- my high protein go-tos that served me well this last time. It's like detoxing though. I miss grabbing a handful of Swedish fish or cheese popcorn. It's hard to eat healthy. It's not natural for me (and a lot of people) but I'm not going back to where I was and why would I have put myself through this hell of the abdominoplasty to get fat? Today I weighed myself and I'm 8 lbs lighter than when I went into the hospital. Three of which the surgeon removed for me. Some may be muscle loss. At least it isn't a gain. I have hope that once the swelling is gone I will be able to fit into regular clothes again.

I'm glad I seem to be able to reign it in when I have to but I would much prefer to be able to work out. It gives me so much more insurance in maintaining my weight. Not only that it makes me feel good. It gives me an opportunity every single day to better myself. Counting protein and carb grams doesn't quite have the same effect.

I hope to have a much rosier outlook tomorrow once the drain is out and it won't be from the percosets either.

Let's wrap this b**ch up

What a difference a day makes.

Yesterday I felt *awful* all day. I knew part of it was the pre-rain crappiness I usually feel before a storm but my abdomen was killing me. I fel like I was back at week 1. I would have been concerned but my drain was fine. I have no idea if that actually means anything but it's been my own little reassurance. Not to be TMI but last night I had a giant belch and the pain was gone. So, apparently, when I get gas trapped in my stomach it's so freaking tight that it has nowhere to go. Unexpected side effect of surgery #2451 that has been a surprise.

This healing thing has been fascinating and frustrating. Im really ready for it to be done though. My drain should come out Thursday and while I'm THRILLED about that every time I see how beautiful my incision is closing and how there is the tiniest of lines where it's already closed I think, "Shit. My body has also been healing around this drain for nearly 3 weeks. Ouch." When she took the first one out it had been less than a week so it didn't hurt at all. Just a sting. When I went for my second follow-up appointment I heard a guy screaming down the hallway. I bet I know why. I'm going to take 2 pain pills and wad up a bandana to shove in my mouth when she pulls it. I'm so dreading this even though I know I can finally finish healing when it's out.

I'm also ready to be done talking about all of this. I just want to get back to my life, my "normal" like I talked about and get on with it. I want to talk about running and WODs instead of drains and gas pains from super tight skin. This bores me and I'm the one living it, I can't imagine how tedious these blog entries are to read. Now that this process is hopefully coming to an end I realize how bizarre it all was. I also realize that there are still parts of me I'd love to have fixed but it's not as easy as it sounds. I'm not willing to have the downtime and mental BS of all of it. I had legitimate reasons to do what I did. The rest though? It stays where it lays. HAHA!

You did it to yourself

Life is slowly getting back to normal. Today I slept late and then we went grocery shopping to replace the entire contents of the fridge and freezer. It was actually a good thing. I didn't buy any crap. I only bought what I needed. It was a way to hit "reset" on eating healthy and, after the mental hell of the last few weeks, that's a great thing for me to do.

I have no concept of what day it is because of being without power for a week. Today is Sunday. Tomorrow is Labor Day. After that I go back to work on Thursday. I'm not ready but that's an entirely different matter. Tomorrow is the New Haven Road Race. So many people I know are doing it this year. At first I had to get over the fact I wasn't doing the 20K because I held out hope I *might* be able to do the 5K. When my drain didn't come out last week and I set my recovery back who knows how long with the stress and doing way too much shit just to survive last week without power I had to accept I wouldn't even be able to walk it. Not even walk it. That makes me so sad. I want to be there tomorrow with my friends. I want to do the 20K like I did last year, also coming off of surgery, and feel triumphant. Tonight when I feel like I should have my running clothes out and my gear packed I feel like I screwed myself royally and I have no one to blame but myself.

I remember blogging a looooong time ago about scheduling this thing. In my new life there is always some kind of event to train for. I knew if I was going to do this I'd have to make a sacrifice and miss something along the way because there was no off season. That's not a bad thing. For someone like me it's a miracle that I look at the calendar and see events and training plans instead of birthdays and anniversaries that I dread because it means that I will have to see people and they'll see how fat I've gotten. That's not how I live anymore, thankfully, but I'm having a harder time with this disruption to my life than I thought I would. Having a week-long disruption to my daily existence from the hurricane certainly didn't help but I know it's the race tomorrow that is putting me in a funk.

The Hartford 1/2 is in jeopardy now too. If my drain comes out this week (it should, amazingly the last 2 days where I've actually gotten to rest the way I should have been post-Irene has brought my fluid level down to where it should have been) then I can start up with running again. I am not afraid of pain, running the 20K last year 10 days after gallbladder surgery was pain. I'm not afraid of being slow or having to take walk breaks -- I've rebuilt my running base so many damned times now I know what to expect and I know I'll eventually prevail. But I'm right at the cusp where I'm cutting things close. I'm not going to stress about Goofy (yet) because official training wouldn't start until late September and the first few weeks are pretty low mileage anyway. I don't want to miss Hartford but I don't want to overestimate my ability to make up for lost time with training.

*sigh* This sucks. I guess I could have waited until after Goofy and done this in January. I wanted it done though. I was ready. If I put it off I might have not done it (again). There's no going back. I did what I did when I did it. I'm hoping I'm coming out on the other side of the recovery process at this point. My incision looks beautiful. It's nearly closed almost all the way across and it will be a tiny scar for the most part except the hip area because that's where the drains were/are. I'm still pretty swollen throughout the abdomen and my regular clothes are awhile away but I catch glimpses of myself in profile, binder and all, and I think "Wow. It's really gone. Maybe this wasn't for nothing after all."

I didn't spend a lot of time on cosmetic surgery boards when I was choosing to do this. Honestly, I find a lot of those forums a waste of time. A lot of it is a pissing contest (my surgeon is better than your surgeon) and a lot of it is just more stuff to worry about than I needed to because, really, once you go under it's beyond your control. I had certainly read that it was major surgery and I guess I discounted what "major" really meant. I'm not going to pop a stitch reaching around to pat myself on the back but maybe part of my mental struggle has been this: if getting back to normal for me simply meant being able to go back to work or drive then I'd pretty much be there already. Getting back to "normal" for me is being able to do a 20K race tomorrow, a 1/2 marathon a month later, the Tough Mudder a month after that, the Goofy Challenge the month after that. Maybe that's why I've struggled so hard with depression after this. It's a good problem to have. The old me wouldn't have given a shit about any of this stuff.

I wish everyone who is doing the race tomorrow a great day. I'm going to try not to have a pity party for myself because I hope to have many, many more race days in my future.

Power x 2

First and most important, we got power back tonight. Seven days later -- a week that I don't know how I got through given everything else -- it's back. I was finally in a happy place, I was staying at my aunt and uncle's and we were having so much fun. I was relaxed, resting, and happy. I should have gone there earlier in the week but who knew it would take 7 days to get it back. I'm thankful for everyone who got me through this week. I had so many offers of showers, shelter, and food. It's good to know that I have so many kind and generous people in my life.

Today I went to the 31 Heroes WOD. It was my first time back at Xfit since surgery and even though I wasn't going to WOD I was happy anyway. It was GREAT to see everyone. To hear my name and get so many hugs, it was an awesome feeling.

The WOD was incredible: a 31-minute AMRAP of 8 thrusters, 11 box jumps, and 6 rope climbs while the partner ran 400 meters with a 25 lb plate (45 lbs for men). Once the running partner got back they picked up where the other partner left off and switched. I knew it was a rough WOD when I saw almost everyone doing it look at the clock around the 11 minute mark and say, either out loud or with their expression, "That's all?!" I was proud to be there, watching my husband and friends give their very best to a very meaningful workout. I felt their power and even though I'm probably 2 weeks away from starting to Xfit again, I felt that power within me. I wanted to be jumping on the box, I wanted to be climbing the rope. I'll get back there and I think I'm going to have the confidence I've been denying myself once my strength catches back up to my will.

The intent of 31 Heroes was to honor the 30 Navy Seals who died on August 6th and their trained military dog, Bart. The organizers have raised $300,000 so far! It is always amazing to see how quickly and passionately the Xfit community rallies to offer their support. I'm proud to be a part of that community and I'm proud to be a part of my Xfit family who is so generous with their support every day to each other.

One rough week

Still no power or water. I'm at my wit's end. Recovery has been miserable because of it. Every day that I should be on the couch I've had to go out in search of a shower or food. It's a real fucking drag. It's hard to get in and out of the car. It's not comfortable to drive. Thankfully my car has a back-up camera because I honestly think twisting around would snap another layer of stitches. Or at least be really uncomfortable.

I can see exactly what I'm *not* supposed to be doing. When I wake up from a long time on my back with no motion my drain is clear like it should be. When I have to do stuff and move around it gets darker and darker. I wonder if I had actually been able to relax if my drain would be out by now.

I'm losing it. I'm depressed. I don't feel well, I have no comfort at home. I spent the week alone with no power and barely able to take care of myself. Today we came down to my aunt's house since the latest estimate is TUESDAY for getting power back. We were here an hour and my dog got out of the basement and went after one of my aunt's dogs. That was the LAST thing I needed. I told my husband to pack up the dogs and to go home. I was staying here for at least the night. I need to relax. I need to take care of myself or this healing is not ever going to finish happening and I'm in my 3rd week now.

My friend asked me if I would recommend getting this done. I told her at this point I would not. She asked if I could separate the hell of being without power and water would it have been better. I can't though. It's all been one horrible process. Maybe when this other drain comes out it will be better but it's been so much harder than I ever thought it would be and it's not like I have the results I want yet. Tonight I went to Kohl's because I have no clothes (they were in my aunt's wash) and I bought a pair of knit waist shorts 2 sizes bigger than I normally wear but I need the stretch waist to get over the binder and the drain. How depressing is that? You go into this because you want to look great and you end up buying bigger clothes. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do in less than 2 weeks when I go to Istanbul. I can't wear any suits, obviously. I have a dress I can wear a cardigan over for one day. I'll have to buy another loose dress for the other meeting day. That's assuming I feel okay. I'm really starting to stress about all of this now. I'm unraveling.

Tomorrow is the 31 Heroes WOD at Xfit. I'm not into going. I knew it would be hard to watch and not participate but with everything that's happened this week it's even harder.

Watch for news of my new blog! I've registered a URL, Blog Fairy is working on my design, I love the concept and I'm excited about this new step. It's coming at just the right time, I hope. I hope I'm going to take a corner very soon.