Excising the Demon

I can't remember where I last left off with this blog. I'm sure I was whining about something or other. I don't know that much has changed but I'll try to keep the whining to a minimum.

I went on vacation. Last year at this time I had just started the 16 weeks of training for NYC so I made myself get up and run on my scheduled days while we were away because I didn't want to start out on a bad note. I didn't feel that pressure this year so guess what, I did nothing. That's not true, we got up one morning and I made up a fun mini-WOD: 5 park bench jumps, 10 burpees, 20 pushups, a run across the length of the parking lot and back. We did one round and said screw it. We just went for a walk after that. I don't think that's a bad thing, if you aren't enjoying something you shouldn't do it. Especially on vacation. We have obligations every day of our lives. Sometimes exercise is more of an obligation than an enjoyment. A lot of times, actually. So why not have a true vacation?

We went back to Xfit on Monday and it was hard but I'm glad we went back before it got harder. I really need to start tracking my WODs, at least the benchmark ones. I'm sure I've improved on both time and weight for Grace (30 clean and jerks) but I have no idea what I started at.

Yesterday was also a big day because I had my consultation with the plastic surgeon. It was about an hour drive to get there and I had a whole conversation in my head about what I was doing. I'll be honest, I cried as I worked through some of the issues kicking around but I would rather have had my meltdown in my car than in front of the surgeon. It's just so personal, all of this. It's confronting something that has made me feel so bad about myself my entire life. It was acknowledging the hard work that has gotten me to the point where I am today yet also accepting that I'll never be perfect no matter how much effort I put into my body. It was a rough 55 minutes in the car.

The surgeon was fantastic. I feel like I'm in the right hands (no pun intended) with her. I had brought pictures I had ripped out of Runner's World because I wanted to make sure my expectations and her deliverable was the same thing. You would think standing naked in front of someone who is staring at the very things you go through considerable effort to hide would be humiliating. It wasn't. Maybe in front of another doctor it would be. This surgeon specializes in reconstructive surgery after weight loss. I chose her because, deep down, I knew I would never attain perfection. I needed someone to understand where I came from and tell me where I could go.

We talked about my arms and she said that I had great muscles and good contours. She said I was in the best shape of any patient she's ever had. I'll take that! Granted, she specializes in putting people back together after massive weight loss but I'll take it. When I showed her the picture of my dream arms she said I wasn't going to get those results. She said the scarring, the healing, and the expense wouldn't be worth it for just a modest improvement. I was disappointed for about 30 seconds but then I realized that she was right. The woman in the picture hadn't been 100 lbs heavier (twice). My arms aren't terrible, the surgeon certainly didn't think so. I think I'd be more self concious with 2 giant scars and possibly asymmetrical shaping than I am now so I crossed that off the list.

We talked about my legs. She said thighs are incredibly hard to work on because they just don't heal well. She knew I was a runner and she said that she wouldn't recommend a thigh lift because I would be out of commission for months and probably wouldn't be happy with the results anyway. It would be painful, I'd have bad scarring, again, possibly asymmetrical shape, and only modest improvement. She said she would never do legs with the abdominoplasty anyway becuase it's too risky for complications and it makes healing that much harder. She said if I really wanted to we could talk in 6 months about it but she had a feeling that once I got the abdominoplasty I wouldn't care so much about my thighs.

Then we talked about the abdominoplasty. Again, I showed her the picture of my dream stomach and she said that I won't have a 6-pack but I would be flat and tight. She said she removes the excess skin and tightens the muscles from the inside. I guess my belly button will be relaigned because she said I'll have a scar from hip to hip and around my belly button. My waist will come in a little and my hips will too because she's pulls the skin "from all kinds of directions." It will be painful. VERY painful she wanted me to know. I'll have drains for 2 weeks. I thought she said I could run after 2 weeks but I think I misunderstood her. I think it was 4. It will take about 6 months to fully heal where I won't have tingling or numbness. I guess like a C-section.

It's happening though. I'm doing it. She thinks I'll be happy with the results and I'll see a big difference. I thanked her for her honesty and told her that I've been watching plastic surgery shows my entire adult life and dreamed I could go in and come out with a whole new body. She said she doesn't believe in that and doesn't work like that. I have to respect her philosophy. I was standing in front of her clearly with desperation in my eyes ready to pay as much as I had to. She isn't taking me down that path. If anything, I left that office feeling better about myself than I had in a long time, not hyper aware of my faults.

So August 17th is the day. Three weeks from tomorrow. She told me to up my vitamins and my calories (hah!). I'll be one night in the medical center (which the coordinator told me is like a spa and I won't want to leave). She stressed NO EXERCISE after until she clears me because I could get fluid buildups called seromas and I'd heal all funky and be mishapen and need another surgery. I will heed her advice. I want to do this once. I'll lay flat on my back for 2 full weeks if I have to. I'm not messing around.

I'm happy! When I paid the coordinator and it was a done deal I felt such relief. I'm doing this. I'm excising the demon (like how I did that, not exorcising, excising?) that has made me hate my body, at least a part of it, for my entire life. I hope everything goes well and that I truly am happy with the results but to have gotten to this point where I am actually doing this instead of wishing I could or resenting that I didn't is really awesome.

Last night after the WOD the trainer said if we wanted to do abs to grab a 10-lb plate and get on the floor. For a gleeful second I thought "Why bother? I'm just getting this shit cut off anyway." HAHAHA! I did them though. And will continue to. It was just my own internal happy dance that my stomach will not be my focus in a few weeks.