I haven't been part of too many teams in my life, especially not athletic ones. I played Little League softball when I was a kid and I guess I was pretty good at it. I know I was a good hitter, at least. But, like most memories associated with childhood I remember being big and awkward more than I remember being an asset to the team. The last year I played Little League I was taller than the little peanuts on my team and sturdy so they had to get me pants from the boys because the largest girls size didn't fit. How this affected my confidence and desire to be on another sports team, I don't know. I still remember my face being flushed with embarassment when I had to ask the coach for larger pants almost 30 years later so maybe it affected me a lot.
When I did the NYC marathon I was technically part of a team but I wasn't really. I never saw anyone from my team on race day. No one knew each other, we all had different starts, and everyone was there to run our own race. I was part of the team in charity only and that was fine.
Now that the Mudder is really happening (in 11 days!) and I'm part of a team I'm terrified. I'm used to failing myself but the thought of failing the 16 other members of my team is a pressure I haven't found a way to deal with. I originally planned to do the Mudder on my own, then when I joined Xfit I became part of their team, now I wish I was on my own again not because I don't like the people on my team and I don't desperately want to be a part of the camraderie -- because I do! -- it's because I don't want to fail them. It's that "being last" thing again. Damn it, it's always there.
Last night my friend and I looked at the team roster and she could tell I was having anxiety issues. She's awesome and built me up like she always does. I've been thinking about "team" a lot since last night and this morning and I realized that we're all going to bring different strengths to this, that's what a team is. We have a guy on the team who can deadlift 405 lbs and can probably pull us up the walls 2 at a time. We have people who run 7-minute miles. We have women who can do pullups like a Navy Seal and can probably tackle the greased monkey bars without breaking a sweat. And then we have me.
I don't have great upper body strength (yet). I'm not fast (yet). But, as far as I know, I'm the only one on the team who has done a marathon, at least within the last 6 months. Not that it will help me physically, sadly I've read that you lose that peak endurance within 2 weeks of a marathon. I believe it too, it astounded me that I ran 26.2 miles and a week later 5 miles killed me. But I know what it's like to dig down and find something to push me through when I feel like I have nothing left to give. I know perservence. I know cramps, frustration, the mental game of getting just one more mile in, and the elation of finishing something that I never thought I would have the courage to start. It may not be a tangible strength like being able to scale a wall but in an event like the Tough Mudder I'm not going to discount it.
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