It's me, a lot. I'll be honest. Especially lately. There's an awful feeling just before the WOD begins when you know what's ahead of you and you look at the people in the box that night and know that they're all going to be fast and strong. But what do you do? Leave? Cheat and shave off a few reps? No, because that's not why you walked in the doors in the first place. As I've made more friends there it's not as horrendous as it used to be imagining that they're all sitting there waiting for the fat girl to finish. They call out my name. They cheer me on. Tonight one of the instructors who was already done with his WOD went out to run the last 400 meters with me and we pulled off a nice sprint at the end. When moments like that happen I realize it's not a failure to be last, just a reason to try harder.
But for all this talk, I still am not right with it in my head. I was invited by a friend to go to his bootcamp class tonight. I actually did have logistic concerns, I would have had to leave work an hour early and the way things are going that was just not going to happen. But the real truth is I was scared. I didn't want to be last. Especially where I only knew one person there and they've all been training together for a long time. My friend had to courage to come up to my Xfit to work out with us when he had no idea what he was in for but he's a tremendous athlete. I don't think coming in last was ever a concern for him. But there it was again, my fear holding me back from trying new things.
I have another friend -- my buddy for partner WODs -- who did a ANOTHER 5K this weekend (2 in a row!). She was last. Her story is so awesome though -- she was high-fiving people, they were calling out her name, everyone was rooting for her. She isn't me. She wasn't mortified. She owned it and she has a great story to tell about the race where she had a police escort to the finish. She makes me laugh and she gives me so much support and motivation.
Among the many, many fears I work to overcome every single time I walk into Xfit, coming in last is still right up there and, seemingly, not going anywhere. But I have to look at the positive. When I started I was doing my pullups with the green band (the thickest) and still needing to stop after every few. Now I'm down to the 2 skinny ones and I can pump right through a set of 10 with no stops. It even occurred to me that I might be ready to go down to one band. Of course, that means slowing down in a WOD that has pullups and there's the "being last" issue but I'd rather be last but actually more fit than be faster because I'm not working as hard. As far as the people I work out with, I'd rather be last among a group of truly amazing athletes than not be challenged at all.
On Saturday we did a partner workout. It ended up being the girls against the guys and we won! As we were running our last lap, all at slightly different paces, one of the women said "Let's all finish together." So we did. No one was last because we all made sure we'd make it together.
I'm feeling it. The support. The inspiration. The fire to want to push harder. I may complain and doubt myself but I know I'm making progress through my own determination and the amazing people I draw motivation from. You know you've done your job as a team member when this just happens. Smiling. Exhausted. Happy. It's what it's all about.
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